We Don't Need Another Hero
by nej47
Summary: A post Series 7/Pre Series 8 story. Rimmer as Ace reunites with the Dwarfers and the crew of the Enlightenment to help save them from a threat from another dimension. In the process he regains faith in himself, finds love, and proves that he can actually
1. Default Chapter

wdnah

We Don't Need Another Hero

A _Red Dwarf_ fan fiction   
Written (off and on) July 6th through August 27th, 1997. A friend of mine has been bugging me to put this up on this site for ages now--so quit bugging me El, here it is!

****

Disclaimer: All of the main characters in this story are from the program _Red Dwarf_ and are owned by Grant/Naylor and/or the BBC. They are used here without their permission or consent. Other characters such as any Timlars, Navetians, A.J., or Jason Vogel, are my own characters and aren't nearly as incredible or believable as the ones invented by GN. I've also taken some liberty with events that we couldn't possibly know about, but I've tried to remain true to the characters and the show. Also also, the lyrics quoted below are owned by The Wallflowers and I obviously don't own them either!

__

I'm so alone,  
Feel just like somebody else  
Man I ain't changed,  
But I know I ain't the same  
-The Wallflowers, _One Headlight_

Prologue   
  
George Harper ran back to town as fast as his stubby legs would carry him, which wasn't much faster than the cruising speed of a crippled llama, but it was the best he could do. His heart pounded in his chest and begged for him to stop and rest for awhile, but he ignored it. He had to tell everyone the amazing news as soon as possible and if that meant going through pain and exhaustion for a few miles, so be it.  
  
Puffing up the final hill, he caught sight of the town. Now his lungs started in, trying to convince him to take in the beautiful sight so they could have a break. They had a point; it *was* a lovely view from where he was standing, dawn breaking over the hills and wrapping the town and the countryside in a warm glow, while rose and canary yellow streaks danced across the sky.  
  
No, he told himself, you CAN'T stop. Some things are more important than your own measly life. He wiped the sweat from his forehead and continued to plod along.  
  
Harper wasn't used to all this exercise. Being administrator for the Navetian Records and Score-Keeping Department meant that the biggest strain on his muscles came from rising off his chair and getting more coffee. Why he had been picked to play Pheidippides was a mystery to him, but he didn't have time to wonder about such things. Searching within his tired frame, he found an extra burst of speed that was able to carry him into town and up to the front steps of the ministry hall.  
  
A crowd of people had gathered there, waiting for news of the rescue mission. Harper skidded to a stop and pinched himself to keep from passing out. If he had made it this far, he could certainly hold out for a few minutes to tell the crowd what they were hoping to hear. His body, however, had other plans, and Harper soon found himself doubled over and gasping for air.  
  
He leaned on the man next to him for support as he tried desperately to catch his breath. Everyone waited patiently, although Harper could see in their eyes that they wanted an answer. He could hardly blame them. His wheezing started to subside, and he looked at the man who was holding him up.  
  
"...water," he gasped at last. A woman offered him her canteen, and he downed its contents in three monstrous gulps. It wasn't enough to completely quench the fire in his throat, but at least it offered a little relief.  
  
"Well?" asked the woman with the canteen. "Was the mission a success? Did the stranger's plan work?"  
  
The crowd leaned in closer, waiting for him to speak. Harper looked up at their anxious faces and smiled. "My dear friends," he replied in a hoarse, dry voice, "Peter Rowtan is finally coming home." Tears began to well in his eyes as he uttered the three most wonderful words in existence: "We are free."  
  
The crowd was stunned. Their faces beamed with relief and joy--was it truly possible? Were they actually free after all this time? Harper could tell what they were thinking and smiled again.  
  
"Yes my friends, it's true. I was there myself when it happened. For the first time in 600 years, the colony of Navus 7 is free of Timlar rule. Our terrible ordeal is over."  
  
Unable to hold back anymore, the crowd roared with excitement. Happy tears flowed freely as everyone's heart swelled with pride. They looked around the familiar setting as if they were seeing it for the first time. Suddenly the grass seemed greener, the air fresher, and for the first time in ages, the people of Navus 7 experienced an emotion thought long forgotten: hope. Tomorrow was no longer a dreary and depressing idea. Now it shone like the brightest star in the night sky.  
  
Harper happened to look towards the entrance of the town, and saw two figures approaching. He didn't need to guess who they were. A broad grin swept across his face as he tore away to meet them. The crowd followed suit and soon everyone was at the edge of town, ready to welcome their long-lost leader home.  
  
Peter Rowtan, head of the colony on Navus 7, saw the excited crowd ahead of him and couldn't help but shed a tear. He had pictured this day for so long, and nothing would have made him happier than to have run back to town himself and tell everyone the news. He was far too weak for that, however, as the incredible pain in his back and head reminded him every time he tried to walk on his own. Instead, he leaned on his liberator for support. A humble way to enter a new era, no doubt, but after all the complicated mistakes of the past, perhaps a simple beginning was the most fitting.  
  
"Almost there, Peter," said his 'human crutch.' "Just a bit further."  
  
Peter nodded. He wanted so much to find a way of saying thank you to the stranger, but he decided to save the speeches for when they got to town. Instead he looked at the crowd again, now just a short distance away. He raised his fist and, using what he was sure was the very last bit of energy he had left, triumphantly performed the victory salute. The ecstatic crowd surged forward, unable to wait any longer, and raised their leader up onto their shoulders, parading him into town on a wave of grateful joy.  
  
Ace Rimmer watched the crowd as it went away from him, ignoring the dull pain that seemed to pound from every corner of his body. Only his shoulder was spared, and that was only because it had gone numb from supporting that injured man he had rescued. It didn't matter. If he had to go through a little discomfort in order to overthrow an evil regime and bring peace to this place once more, so be it. He could take it.  
  
Harper ran up to him, still sporting the same broad grin on his face as when Ace had last seen him. "What are you standing out here for?" he cried as he grabbed Ace's arm. "Come and join us!" He led him into the crowd and back to the side of Peter, who beamed as he approached.  
  
"My friend, every person in this colony owes you a great debt of gratitude," he began. "Thanks to your efforts, I am a free from the prison I have known for fourteen years, and for that I owe you my life." Ace was about to protest, but Peter put his hand up. "No, let me continue. My life is but one small part of the bigger picture, for not only did you bring about my freedom, but you also brought freedom to every member of this colony. How can we possibly repay you?"  
  
Ace tossed his hair and smiled. "No thanks are needed, old fruitbasket. Your fellow colonists were the ones to first rise up against the Timlars. I only helped wrap things up."  
  
"Please, at least let us build a monument to your great deeds," said Harper as he pushed his way to the front. "Your work here today should not go unrecognized." He turned around to face the crowd. "You should have seen him. First he dug a tunnel underneath the Timlar compound--"  
  
"I wasn't alone, Harper," Ace said from behind him. "I had a team of your best diggers helping me, remember? They're the ones that did all the work."  
  
"Then he fought his way past hoards of guards and into the dungeons, freeing the prisoners--"  
  
"There were only twenty or thirty guards on each floor. Not exactly 'hoards', as you say."  
  
"Only to break into the main hall and challenge Lord Gambran to combat." He leaned in closer to the amazed crowd. "He defeated him by using Gambran's signature move!"  
  
"It was only a variation on the half-wingnut! Anyone could have figured that out."  
  
"Then he battled up to the Timlar energy grid and disabled the entire array--"  
  
"Using a computer virus that your experts had developed. I know next to nothing about programming a virus!"  
  
"And finally, he encoded the auto-destruct as we raced against time to get out before it was too late. He refused to leave until he knew for certain that every single one of us was out of harm's way. With just seven seconds left, he ran down the tunnel and reached our safeway point just in time to watch the entire compound blow up in a brilliant explosion." Harper shook his head in amazement as he remembered the sight, and turned back to Ace again. "The return of Peter Rowtan, the end of the Timlar regime--we owe it all to you. You HAVE to let us honor you with a memorial."   
  
Ace stood up and clamped his hand on Harper's shoulder. "Nonsense, man. If any monument is to be raised on this day, it should be dedicated to the Navetians, not me." He looked out at the crowd and was met in every direction by pairs of thankful eyes. He smiled with sincerity. "You're the ones that have suffered through generations of torment. It's your victory, not mine."  
  
Harper was stunned. Was such modesty possible? It was amazing. All he could think to say was what he and everyone else was probably thinking at the moment: "I've never met anyone like you before." He noticed the hero's smile fade for a moment, a dreamy look coming across his face as if he were reliving some fond memory. Suddenly he snapped out of it and revealed the same charming smile he had been wearing since he got there.   
  
"Harper, don't waste time fussing over me. You should be celebrating!" The crowd began to protest but Ace waved them down. "No, I won't hear it. Now if you'll excuse me, chums, I'm needed elsewhere."   
  
Harper stood speechless as he watched Ace make his way through the cheering crowds and back to his ship. Woman ran up and kissed him, men shook his hand, and children stood in awe as he went by. Yet he wouldn't accept any sort of gift or recognition for all that he had accomplished, not even from their leader. At last he reached his ship and climbed into the cockpit. Harper thought he heard him say something about kippers, and then the thrusters fired up, raising the ship into the sky in a swift and graceful arc. With a flash of light, the ship bolted into space.   
  
Harper followed the streak as far as he could. "Good luck Ace," he said quietly. "And thank you."

Chapter One   
  
Ace leaned back in his seat and uttered a long, weary sigh. He'd done it. Once again he had looked danger in the face and managed to succeed brilliantly. He ought to be celebrating. Yet no matter how many times it happened, Arnold Rimmer was finding that he still wasn't used to it.  
  
He couldn't help but admire the irony. From the start, he was deemed a failure, a fact pounded into his head by his parents and brothers. They had shunned him, cutting him down instead of building him up. He'd had to live with their disappointment all his life, an overwhelming burden to carry that was diminished only by the disdain he felt for himself. He'd gotten used to running away and making excuses to try and cover up the hatred and loneliness that ate away inside him. Now after all this time he finally got a chance to start over and become the man he always wanted to be--brave, honorable, confident, successful--and what happens? He can't accept that it's happening. There was no way in hell that he could actually be succeeding. It was almost inconceivable to think that something was actually going his way for once. It must be some twisted dream.  
  
He shook his head. At least his self-loathing was still yelling loud and clear.  
  
Yet as he looked back at all the victories and all the good he had done since he had 'become' Ace, a different voice spoke up in the back of his mind. A voice that he didn't hear very often. In fact, for a long time he thought it had abandoned him completely. This voice told him to be proud of what he had accomplished and to realize that yes, it was highly possible for things to go right in his life. It was happening right now, if only he'd admit it.  
  
_But what if I mess up?_ he asked this voice. _How am I supposed to be this perfect person when I'm really not perfect at all? And is this all there is? Am I missing something? Is this truly my destiny, or is it just a part of it? Will I ever find peace of mind?_  
  
_Don't ask me_, the voice replied, _I only work here._  
  
"You're listening to the voices again, aren't you?"  
  
Rimmer jolted out of his 'conversation,' hitting his head on the roof of the cockpit.  
  
"What? Huh?"  
  
The computer laughed. "I thought so. You get this really sweet look on your face when you're deep in thought. I stopped staring long enough to bring you out of it." She paused, watching his cheeks fill with a slight blush. It was too cute.  
  
"Why don't you try listening to the voice of reason now, ok? You were brilliant on Navus 7. Don't let them tell you any differently." He didn't say anything. Perhaps he was finally listening for once?   
  
She checked the records to see if hell had frozen over yet. It hadn't.  
  
"Ace?"  
  
"Hmm? Yes, sorry, computer. I've got a lot on my mind, I guess." He had slipped into his normal voice, like he usually did when it was just him and the computer. He didn't have to pretend with her.  
  
"It's Diane, remember?" The lovely face and auburn tresses appeared on the monitor. Rimmer had to admit: even the little perks of this job were nice.   
  
"Why can't any of you call me by my name? It's always 'computer'. I don't always call you commander, do I?"  
  
Rimmer smiled. "Again, I apologize, `Diane.'"  
  
"That's better." She noticed he was looking out the window. She knew what that meant. After looking at the same gorgeous face all her life, she knew all the mannerisms. Be it a twitch, a gesture, even a wan smile--she could read him like a book. In this particular case, his behavior meant he was lonely. He'd never admit it willingly, of course, and she knew that. Still, since she knew it wasn't good to keep things inside...  
  
"So is anything the matter?"  
  
"Nope, nothing. Everything's tickety-boo." He tried to sound convincing, hoping to avoid the inevitable inquisition. He really wasn't in the mood for another chapter from Diane's book of advice, but knew it was coming anyway. Sure enough, there was the shadow of doubt crossing her face. He prepared himself for the coming bombardment--  
  
"All right, what's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing!" he answered with what he hoped was a persuading smile. "Why would anything be wrong? You said it yourself, I've had a brilliant day."  
  
"I know. I'm just trying to understand why you're not enjoying it."  
  
"But I did--I am! I was thrilled to be a part of the Navetian liberation. Who wouldn't be?"  
  
"Someone who's been having second thoughts about whether or not he should be here."  
  
"Oh yes, questioning my destiny when I'm such a success. Really Diane, that's a bit ridiculous, isn't it?"  
  
"Not when it's true."   
  
"Look, if anything, I'm really beginning to tire of talking in that deep, macho voice." He cleared his throat. "It's really doing a number on my vocal chords. I don't know how much longer they can stand it."  
  
"Ace, I don't think--"  
  
"And all those cutesy little metaphors I have to mimic. It's sickening! I lose a little bit of my dignity each time I use one."  
  
"Ace--"  
  
"No wonder why we have to wear the codpiece so tight! It's the only way to force those sugary-sweet remarks out of us."  
  
"Ace, you know you have to play the part exactly. It's your job, remember? Besides, we went over this already--using the familiar monikers makes people relax. It makes them feel like they're important."  
  
Rimmer raised a sarcastic eyebrow. "It makes someone feel important when they're referred to as 'my old waffle iron'?"  
  
She frowned. "You KNOW what I mean. Look, we both know that this isn't the real problem. There's something bothering you that goes far beyond such trivial matters."  
  
He looked down. Diane felt guilty for pulling teeth like this, but it was for his own good. "Ace, you don't have to act like nothing's wrong. Just because you're seemingly perfect on the outside doesn't mean that everything on the inside is on the up and up. No one is completely flawless, right?"  
  
No response. She could tell she was getting through.  
  
"So come on then. What's wrong?"  
  
Rimmer looked out the window again. "I don't know," he said at last. "I really don't."  
  
"You know what I think?" she began. "I think you're lonely." He blinked. She wondered, was that an acknowledging blink or just an ordinary blink? Her intuition said it was the former, and she continued.  
  
"I think you're beginning to wonder if this is really where you belong." Now he shifted in his chair. Yes! She was on the right track.  
  
"In fact--dare I say it?" Another blink. It was now or never. "I think you miss your old life."  
  
Rimmer's head shot towards her. "Oh come on! To think that I might actually miss that so-called existence. Forced to spend the best years of my death roving deep space with a spacebum, a walking fashion statement, and a glorified vacuum cleaner. Surely not."  
  
Diane gave herself a pat on the back--or at least she would have if she had a hand or a back. She loved it when she was right. Now she just had to sit back and wait for him to realize it too.  
  
"Honestly, the very idea," he scoffed. "I was lucky to get out of there when I did. Finally getting the chance to get away from that bunch of moronic, incompetent, weak-minded, unnatural, half-witted--" he struggled for the right word to fully evoke the weight of their stupidity; "--goits! Really, I couldn't have welcomed the opportunity enough."   
  
She answered with a wry smile. "Mm-hmm."  
  
He found himself thinking back to how things used to be. "God it was pathetic. Being chased by GELFs of every shape and size one week and getting terrorized by simulants the next. Running into anomalies without any sense of what was going on, what we were doing, or what to do next. And every day being forced to live the same, boring life with the same mind-numbing people. I'm amazed I didn't go completely mad." He paused.   
  
Diane decided that it was safe to talk. " I think it's clear that-"  
  
"And that was just the beginning!" he continued. "Having to live with their put-downs, their annoying habits, their general gimboidyness, day after day! Never getting even an iota of respect from them. Then having to look in the mirror and see that 'H' branded on my forehead, reminding me of the fact that I was nothing more than a mere projection of my former self. There's a moral booster if I've ever seen one!" He looked at Diane. "To actually think that I'm having even the slightest hint of longing to return to a life I hated!"  
  
He waited for her to say something, but she remained silent. She wasn't about to interrupt this therapy session again. He sighed.  
  
"Still, I guess I had gotten used to it all--Kryten and his long-winded explanations and endless nit-picking, Cat's insatiable vanity and complete lack of comprehension, Holly's gormless face and increasingly low I.Q..." He stopped as he realized what he was about to say. "I guess I even got used to Lister at last. Lister and all his annoying habits and lack of discipline, his slobbiness and cockiness, his plans, his opinions, his beliefs, his optimism--his guitar playing...." He winced. "Well, maybe NOT the guitar playing. I've never known any other person that could make his guitar's strings scream in horrific pain with each pluck. That's why we made him play in the airlock. Our ears could only take so much abuse."   
  
He chuckled as he thought of the first time that they forced Lister and his guitar into the cold space. "No, I certainly don't miss the guitar."  
  
Diane urged him on, "But...?"  
  
He caught her eyes and shook his head. "But I suppose in some sort of small, odd, Look-at-that-dismembered-head -hanging-out-of-the-crashed-car kind of way, I do...sort of wonder... what...they're up to." He paused. "Funny, isn't it? As much as I wanted to drive hot nails through their skulls every time they corrected me or made me feel guilty or just plain annoyed me, I guess we sort of gelled after a while. We relied on each other more and more, even though we continued to drive each other crazy. We were a team. Not a very good one, I'll admit it, but still, we were, to a point.  
  
"All the time I was with them, I just wanted to get away. They didn't enjoy the same things I did, so I usually spent a lot of time alone. Now that I'm completely alone though--"   
  
Diane threw him a look.   
  
"--except for you, of course--"  
  
She relaxed and gave him a 'that's better' smile.  
  
"I don't know. I guess I am a bit lonely. I never got to tell them how I really felt. Just a quick hug, some handshakes, and I was gone. Of course I don't know if I ever would have been able to admit it at all."  
  
"Sounds like you just did." He answered with a shy smile.  
  
"Well I suppose it doesn't matter any more. I'm dead to them and I'm sure that's just as well."  
  
"But Lister knows, you told me so!"  
  
"Yes, big smegging deal. After all the grief we caused each other over the years, I'm sure he's enjoying being rid of me. Probably hasn't thought about me once."  
  
"Just like you never thought of him, right?" He looked down again. He *hated* when she was right.  
  
"So you want to check up on them?"  
  
"Well I have to admit, I am a bit curious. Did they ever find Red Dwarf, for instance? Who stole it in the first place? Have they made any progress whatsoever?" He sighed. "It doesn't matter, I guess. I can't go back anyway. I'm not there anymore, which means I can't jump there anymore, right?"  
  
"Oh I don't know about that. 1534 figured out a way to return home."  
  
"Why did he want to go back?"  
  
"He missed his wife terribly. When he took over as Ace, he had to tell her -- dressed as Ace, of course--that her husband was lost and presumed dead."  
  
Rimmer's eyes became sad. "That's terrible. Was he at least a success as Ace?"  
  
"He was fantastic! But no matter how much he tried to tell me differently, his eyes revealed his misery. Each day there was a little less warmth in those deep hazel pools. Poor guy."  
  
"So then what happened?"  
  
"Well, he figured out some sort of way to lock onto specific dimensions, allowing him to jump to a particular dimension instead of one at random. That way he didn't have to be there in order to jump to it. That's how he became the first Ace to retire. Only three others have done the same since then."  
  
"He retired? I didn't know retirement was an option."  
  
"It wasn't, or at least it wasn't until 1534 came along. He reunited with his wife after training his successor, and probably lived a happy and healthy life after that." She smiled. "He decided that love was more important than his own success. What a guy."  
  
She looked up after he didn't answer right away. He was staring into space with dreamy eyes. _So there's more_, she thought, and decided to begin again.  
  
"Ace, there's a lot more going on in that head of yours than just missing your friends and questioning your destiny, isn't there?"  
  
Rimmer barely heard her. He was back on that fantastic ship, staring true love right in the face, even though every bit of his being screamed for him to run away and never look back. She had believed in him, even sacrificed herself for him. "She was incredible," he mumbled, still in a trance. "The only person in my entire life that actually liked me--_loved_ me--for who I was." His eyes became sad again as he came out of the memory that he had entered into. "I never got to say goodbye to her, either."  
  
His face twisted into a grimace. "God, listen to me. Stop me before I begin writing greeting cards."  
  
"It's ok, I won't tell anyone," she laughed. "Let's get going, shall we?"  
  
"Right." He tossed his hair and slipped into his confidence again. "So what's next on the agenda? A galaxy to save? Maybe a ship to rescue?"  
  
"Actually, there isn't too much going on at the moment." She hoped he couldn't tell she was lying.  
  
"What? Are you sure? Check your scanners again."  
  
She shook her head. "No, still nothing. That's odd."  
  
"So what do we do now?"  
  
"Well actually, I've got an idea--if you're willing to give it a go," she said slyly.  
  
"And what's that?"  
  
"To try and get back to your dimension."  
  
"Oh please."  
  
"Well what else are we going to do? Just sit here and wait for something to happen? At least if we try we'll know if it can be done or not."  
  
He sat with his arms folded. "And I suppose you remember the calculations and everything."  
  
"Vaguely, yes." Her eyes became slits as she tried to remember. "That was quite a while ago. 1534 did most of the work on his own. I do have to admit I was too busy watching him work to pay attention to exactly what he was doing. Still, it's worth a shot, right?"  
  
He gave her a stubborn look. She tried her best to look innocent. "Just think how it would benefit the future Aces!" He was trying not to listen, she could tell. It didn't matter; she knew she'd get through to him.  
  
"Come on. What could it hurt?"  
  
Yeah, what could it hurt? asked the supportive voice in his head.  
  
Rimmer felt like a hundred pleading eyes were staring at him. With a long sigh, he finally relented. "Oh all right. But I'm only doing this for the sake of those that will follow me."  
  
"Naturally."  
  
"And if it doesn't work, well, that's the end of it, ok? No more fruity ideas like this. Let's just try this once, and then go conquer some evil regime or something."  
  
Diane felt like giving herself another pat on the back. Darling, you _are_ good, she said to herself, and began to work on the calculations.


	2. Chapter Two

wdnah2

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Two   
  
Nirvana Crane walked briskly down the corridor, trying to get to the briefing on time without looking like she was in a rush. She'd had a terrible night, an even worse morning, and quite frankly was not in even the slightest mood for giving a report to the captain on how their new hard-light capabilities would effect navigation and propulsion. Truth be told, it wouldn't effect either in the slightest. Yet when the captain asked her that question, she couldn't just say "nothing." Not on this ship, not with this crew. Instead she had to spend three hours writing an incredibly fancy way of saying "nothing", using boring figures, impressive diagrams, and fancy phrasing. "Nothing" had proven to be quite intricate.  
  
As she approached the briefing room, she saw Jason Vogel, one of the ship's propulsion engineers, waiting for her outside. His foot tapped the floor like a jackhammer chipping through concrete. He caught sight of her and frowned.  
  
"Well it's about time, commander," he snapped. "What would the captain think of me if I were late?"  
  
She rolled her eyes. "Don't start with me, lieutenant. I've had a dreadful night."  
  
"What do you mean? It started out nicely. We had some of the best 'exercise' ever."  
  
"Believe me Jason, it wasn't that much of a work out."  
  
He was taken aback. "What do you m--"  
  
"Look we don't have time for this now, we've got to give this ridiculous report. Come on." She opened the door to the briefing room, leaving Jason standing outside, his ego momentarily deflated.  
  
Captain Platini sat behind a desk, pouring himself a cup of tea and admiring his mirror image on the surface of the desk. Nirvana cleared her throat, and he looked up. "Ah, commander, just in time," he said smoothly, raising his hand in salute. "I was just perusing through some earlier reports. Is yours ready?"  
  
_Of *course* you were_, she thought, and returned the salute. "Yes sir, we can begin as soon as Lieutenant Vogel arrives."  
  
Jason shuffled in just as she finished talking and raised a nervous salute. "Captain, my apologies for arriving late."  
  
The captain ignored him. "Please begin. I have a hair appointment at 1600 hours and I don't want to miss it."  
  
Nirvana started to set up the charts and Jason began. "Sir, as you are well aware, questions have been raised as to whether or not our hard-light capabilities will have any effect on ship propulsion or navigation."  
  
"Yes lieutenant, of COURSE I know. Now get to the point: will there be any effects?"  
  
"As far as we can tell sir, no," Nirvana replied. "I've entered our flight plan into Stocky and asked him to equate the time it will take to reach our proposed rendezvous point, in both hard and soft-light. I've also asked him to calculate maneuvering capabilities and to factor in unexpected events we might come across, such as time holes, worm holes, black holes, and the near-improbable defeat by an unknown enemy."  
  
The captain nodded. "And?"  
  
"Exactly the same results in both forms, with the added bonus that now we have more options when we encounter anomalies. Of course, we must also be a lot more cautious."  
  
"In what way?"  
  
"Well for instance--"  
  
"Captain, isn't it perfectly obvious?" tried Jason, sliding in front of Nirvana. The captain threw him a look that said "of course I know, you git, I just want to hear YOU say it." The captain was very good at giving those kind of looks. It came from years of looking down at everyone from the height of his own intellect.  
  
Jason paused for a second before recovering his composure. "We must stay in soft-light form when going through, say, a black hole. If we were in hard-light at the time, the ship and everyone on it would be crushed, just like any other ship and crew."  
  
"That makes sense."  
  
"But if an attack would come, we would no longer have to be concerned about the generator being destroyed, as we've had to in the past. In hard-light form, we would be invulnerable. No attack whatsoever could damage us. In fact, I recommend that we stay in hard-light as often as we can. We'll be invincible."  
  
"Yes yes, that's fascinating, lieutenant," the captain sighed, taking a sip of his tea. "It's also exactly what I've heard from every other report today. Now did you actually find out if propulsion would be effected, as I asked you to?"  
  
"Um...well I, uh...." Jason looked at Nirvana for help. She stood in the corner with her arms folded, looking fabulous as always--but also quite upset. She just nodded for him to continue.  
  
He turned back to the captain, who was still waiting. "Well, yes of course sir, I just thought that you'd like to fully understand what hard-light would entail."  
  
"As I said before, sir, there would be no effect," Nirvana said from behind Jason.  
  
"Thank you, commander." He looked back at Jason. "What about power? Will an increase in power yield be needed to maintain our top speed in hard-light?"  
  
"Lieutenant Baker's calculations show that no extra power will be needed. His predictions back-up the ones I had personally worked out."  
  
"Oh, how tedious for you." He took another sip of his tea, and slowly put the cup down. "What will you do to ensure there are no more--unfortunate accidents?"  
  
Nirvana closed her eyes when she heard this, remembering the poor souls that were asleep when the hard-light drive was first tested on the entire ship. The engineers had set a frequency that would allow all the light bees to react synchronically with the ship when it turned to hard-light. Unfortunately, a minor miscalculation resulted in a flaw concerning the light bees of crew members that were asleep at the time of the switch. Since they were at minimal power when asleep, the computer had "skipped over" their signals and didn't synchronize their light bees at exactly the same time as everything else, resulting in a delay in their conversion. Therefore, they were still soft-light for a minute or two when the ship became hard-light--not a problem there. But when the ship turned back to soft, the 17 crew members that were asleep--and had just switched to hard-light thanks to the delay--sank out of the ship. Without the protection of the ship's pressure shield, their light bees quickly crumpled.  
  
She suddenly realized that Jason hadn't responded. Looking up, she found both men staring at her, waiting for an answer.  
  
"Sorry. I was just thinking about the incident, sir." She began to flip through some papers she had brought with her. "Sir, I've been working with Ensign Forbes to design a device that will better synchronize the crew member with the generator." She found the page she was looking for and handed it to the captain. "It works independently instead of relying on a set frequency, enabling the individual to switch on his or her own. All that would be required is an announcement before the ship is about to change."  
  
She noticed that the captain had put the page aside and was staring at his image on the desk again.  
  
"Sir? Did you hear what I--"  
  
"Commander, no one on this ship would want to take the time to send an announcement to the crew. It's so...menial. I wouldn't want to force it on anyone."  
  
Jason stepped forward. "It also isn't necessary, sir. We have perfected the frequency and have tested it numerous times on sleeping crew members. There will be no further problems--as long as someone denigrates themselves to the task of switching the frequency on before the ship goes soft-light to hard, or vice versa. I feel sorry for the poor person already." Both men shared a hearty laugh at this.  
  
Nirvana was stunned. "But sir! They thought the frequency was perfect last time they tried it ship-wide, and look at the tragedy that occurred. How can we be sure that it's fail-safe?"  
  
"Commander, I have faith in my crew. If the lieutenant says that the problem's been corrected, then I believe him."  
  
She looked at Jason, who replied with a smug smile. She frowned. "You're really willing to take that chance?"  
  
The captain stood up. "That will be all for today. Thank you both for your informative report. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a hair appointment to go to."  
  
Nirvana gave an impatient salute and stormed out of the room. Jason watched her go, then turned to the captain.  
  
"My, she certainly has gotten emotional, hasn't she?" he quipped.  
  
"She's been that way ever since her encounter with that technician we brought aboard from that mining vessel. It's a shame, really. She was such a model crew member. Ah well, at least her IQ hasn't suffered." Jason turned to leave. "Oh, lieutenant? Be sure and assign someone to that boring job of switching the frequency on and off. I have more important things to do."  
  
"I'll get my best man on it right away, sir. I also have better things to do than assigning someone to a task."  
  
The captain smiled. Jason saluted and made his exit, only to find Nirvana waiting outside the door.  
  
"Commander? Is something wrong?"  
  
She glared at him. "You KNOW that the frequency isn't 100 percent perfect," she whispered, trying to hide her rage. "Yet you go ahead and tell him that the tests are complete, that everything's fine. Why? Well I'll tell you why. Because you wanted to be the first one to tell him so that he'd notice you and give you credit later."  
  
"Nonsense. You just don't want to admit that Lieutenant Vogel surpassed your vast intellect in this area." He leaned in close. "What future areas will I surpass you on, hmm? I think the sky's the limit for Mr. Vogel. I really do."  
  
"Oh yes, riding the high tide of your small triumph today. Quite sad if you ask me. It's one thing to want to succeed, but quite another when the entire crew is at stake."  
  
He ignored her. "Lieutenant-Commander Vogel. That can't be far off at the pace I'm going. I bet I'll be captain by Christmas."  
  
Nirvana resisted the urge to pull all her hair out in frustration and stuff it down his throat. "Jason, when are you going to see that some things are more important than your own personal glory? When will EVERYONE see that?"  
  
Jason patted her head. "Really, commander, I'm surprised at your attitude. To think that you actually care so much about the rest of the crew, it's hilarious. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a task to reassign." He sauntered off, leaving Nirvana clutching her fists. She thought about waiting for the captain to return to try and have a word with him, but she knew that it would be like talking to a brick wall. He was the most stubborn man she had ever met.  
  
With a sigh, she began to walk back to her quarters, trying not to breathe the thick egotism in the air. The crew had always been arrogant and egotistical, true, but in the few months since they had developed a hard-light drive, things had grown worse. A LOT worse.  
  
On the surface, the discovery hardly made a difference to everyday life--they could touch things before, they could still touch things. Now as hard-light holograms, however, they could pass as normal, 'living' people, able to touch things that weren't computer generated. They had gained an independence from the ship and its hologram generator. They could do things they were never able to do before, like conduct actual research missions instead of simply taking measurements, or rescue a ship in danger instead of just passing it by. Taking it one step further, hard-light now made it possible to invite 'living' people onboard to "improve trade relations and offer a safe harbor for any unfortunates we rescue,"as the captain had said in his speech to the crew. In essence, it meant they could show off their 'greatness' up close and personal with whomever they met. Their inflated egos could venture off the ship and suffocate even more people.  
  
Even worse than this was the fact that no one really knew who discovered hard-light. One day the crew noticed objects sinking through the ship--first it was a flask, then a vase, then a desk--as the hard light began to randomly effect objects within the ship. Some engineers were able to stabilize it, and everyone began asking who was responsible for such an ingenious discovery. The problem was that no one could say for certain who it had been--in fact, hard-light appeared to have developed on its own somehow. Therefore, everyone took credit for it, from the highest officers to the lowest ranks. Each crew member began to collect his or her own "proof" to show how he or she alone was the genius behind the invention. Even the captain had been caught in the rush; he was the captain because he had the highest I.Q, thus he must have been the one to invent hard-light, and the proof he presented to show himself as the inventor was immense both in quantity and vagueness. No one, including the captain, could prove anything for certain. In fact, as more and more proof became available, it became more and more obvious that hard-light had really been an accident.  
  
Slowly the efforts to discover who was responsible began to wear off, but the arrogance, humongous egos, and rivalry had stayed. Hardly any work was getting done anymore, since most everyone felt that they were "above" performing even the normal duties of their assigned positions. Everything kept getting reassigned and nothing was getting done. Save for a few crew members--Nirvana included--that weren't so infatuated with their own intellectual greatness and continued to do their work, the ship would be a complete ruin. Frankly she was surprised to see Jason even showing up for the report; he had been one of the first to become super-overly-insanely arrogant. She realized, though, that he had his hidden agenda, just like most everyone else on the ship had, and that was to rise above the rest at any cost. It made her sick just thinking about it.  
  
She reached her quarters and opened the doors. Her fingers twisted as they undid the ties in her hair, letting it sweep down her back in a graceful wave. She tried to relax but didn't have much success; she had too much on her mind. What was wrong with her? Why hadn't she become just like everyone else? Why did she allow her emotions to get in the way?  
  
Even her friends had started asking her if she had seen the ship's psychiatrist yet. "You're getting too emotional, Nirvana," she remembered Susan Forbes saying. "It's not good for your IQ, and with all that you've accomplished, we don't want to see you fall from grace."  
  
"Fall from grace indeed," she muttered, brushing her hair with vigor. "You're the ones that are a disgrace." She caught sight of herself in the mirror and sighed. She didn't look good. In fact, she looked tired and stressed out, which was exactly how she felt. She was just so frustrated with everyone! Things used to be so different. She loved her job, loved the research and the opportunities, the discoveries, the satisfaction. But ever since that blasted hard-light drive came about...  
  
She collapsed on her bed. No, the hard-light drive wasn't the problem. She had been unhappy long before then. Since she had been reactivated, nothing was the same. She had tried to plunge herself into her work, hoping to take her mind off things and force her life to become the way it was. Yet no matter what she accomplished, or how much "exercise" she had, she couldn't change what had happened or how she felt.  
  
Nirvana opened the cupboard above the bed and took out her music box; she always had to hide it there so that no one would find out she kept something so 'sentimental.' She lifted the lid and let its gentle melody fill the room. Humming along with the music, she removed the small note from the compartment underneath.  
  
She knew what was missing, what was "wrong" with her, even if she wouldn't admit it. She had suffered a temporary hormonal distraction. In other words, she had fallen in love.  
  
Try as she might to tell herself that it had never happened, that somehow it had been some crazy dream, she couldn't deny it any longer. That's what had set her apart from the rest of the crew; she was probably the only one who had experienced it. Now there was no going back, even if she wanted to.  
  
Unfolding the paper, she reread the note for the hundredth time since she had first received it, and sighed. "Arnie, wherever you are, I hope things are better for you than they are for me," she said quietly. "At least one of us would be happy then."


	3. Chapter Three

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Three   
  
It was near the end of round two of the female mud-wrestling finals, and the action was just beginning to build. The blond had just tripped the red-head as she was trying to cross over to the other side. She tried to kick her opponent as she was down but the red-head grabbed her ankles and pulled her to the mat. The crowd roared for more. Lister hardly noticed. He had turned from the television screen and was staring at the brunette on the wall.  
  
He had been looking at the pictures on and off for most of the time he had been trying to watch the game, his eyes unable to resist the temptation to look and see if they were still there. Then after he confirmed that they hadn't disappeared, he slowly became entranced in them. They made him feel as if she were still around.  
  
Hearing the bell sound for round three, he suddenly realized that he wasn't looking at the screen anymore. "Stop it," he told himself, snapping his head forwards again. "Staring at a picture isn't gonna bring her back. It never has and it never will." He shoved a forkful of vindaloo into his mouth to settle the matter.  
  
The red-head had just sidekicked the blond, throwing her on the mat once more. She tried to jump her but the blond rolled out of the way. Now both of them were rolling around in the muck, much to the delight of the crowd. Normally Lister would be yelling along with them, but today he was preoccupied. He felt guilty letting a great vid like this go to waste, but he couldn't help it. He just had too much on his mind.  
  
Feeling the weight of her stare again, he shoveled more vindaloo onto his tongue, hoping the spices would somehow clear his head, or at least make for a good distraction. It wasn't working; he felt his head begin to turn, but saved himself just in time. He began to scoop more and more vindaloo in. _Maybe if I put enough in my mouth_, he thought, _it'll weigh my head down so I *can't* look._ With that, he finished off his plate, even though his cheeks felt like they were melting away. He could get through this. They were only pictures after all, and not even very good ones at that. It was all a matter of willpower. Simple as that.  
  
He turned and looked again, just like he knew he would.  
  
There were all the feelings and memories, captured forever on two squares of film and paper. Why had she gone? Why was it that whenever he was _thisclose_ to finding happiness, it slipped away from him just as he was about to grab hold and never let go?  
  
He felt himself getting sick; he doubted it was from the vindaloo. Shaking his head, he turned back to the screen.  
  
Kryten walked into the room, whistling happily and carrying a tray of refreshments. He was in a terrific mood. "Ah, hello sir. Are you enjoying your video?"  
  
Lister grabbed some pints from the tray and Kryten noticed his face. "Sir, is something wrong? Why are you sweating so and why are your cheeks red and puffy? You look like you're reenacting the miracle of a chipmunk giving birth."  
  
"Mm fryn foo hleer mm fhred," he replied and began to guzzle the lager as if his life depended on it. The way his stomach was feeling, he probably wasn't far off.  
  
"Excuse me? I didn't quite catch that."  
  
Lister wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "I said I'm tryin' to clear me head."  
  
"Oh, well there's much easier ways than that, sir. You should have just read through Mr. Rimmer's old Risk journal. That's sure to wipe away any small hold you have on reality."  
  
"Yeah I know, I couldn't find it. Have you seen it?"  
  
"Well actually, that's what I came in here to talk to you about, sir. I just finished my supply check and we seem to be missing a few things."  
  
"What? I thought the nanobots were going to replace everything they had stripped from the ship."  
  
"They did sir. In fact, in some cases they've improved on things. The food supplies have been tripled, for instance, and a lot of the smaller technical problems we've had on board have been fixed. But I've noticed that some of us are missing a few personal items."  
  
Lister looked around the room. "I don't think I'm missing anything."  
  
"Well maybe you weren't effected, sir, and if you do find something that's gone, I'm sure it's something you can live without."  
  
"What's missing then?"  
  
"Well I'm missing a spare hand, for instance, and we already mentioned the Risk journal."  
  
"Yeah, but I'm sure we can survive without THOSE, Kryts. So what's the big deal?"  
  
Just then, Holly appeared on the monitor. "Well that's done."  
  
"What's that, Hol?"  
  
"I've just finished checking the shields."  
  
"What shields?"  
  
"You know, the invisible ones that surround the ship and protect it from all sorts of nasty things."  
  
Kryten and Lister looked at each other. "But we don't have shields like that, Hol."  
  
"Yeah I know. And we still don't." He paused. "I guess that clears that up then, eh?" He waited for a thank you, but none ever came. Typical. He decided to change the subject.  
  
"So where's Cat then?"  
  
"I dunno. I haven't seen him since we got back on board and the nanobots fixed me an' me arm." He flexed it, a habit he had recently developed. He just liked reminding himself that it was there. "You seen `im, Kryten?"  
  
"That's what I was getting at, sir. Shortly after we got back, I saw him take off for the main cargo bay with all the fabric and thread he could carry. He's been locked in there ever since. I didn't know why until today."  
  
Lister's eyes widened. "Oh smeg, you don't mean--"  
  
"Yes. It seems the nanobots got rid of his entire wardrobe and neglected to replace it. He's been at work making a new one ever since he found out."  
  
"Poor Cat," said Lister. He could just imagine Cat sitting down there, sewing and hemming till his fingers bled. "He must've been crushed. Still, I would've thought we'd `ve seen him by now."  
  
"Perfection takes time, sir, but I'm sure he'll be done soon."  
  
"I'm gonna check on `im," said Holly. "At least it'll give me something t'do." His image blinked off.  
  
Kryten began to clear up the dirty dishes. "Sir, is there anything else I can get for you?"  
  
Lister was watching the video again. "Yeah, would you mind turning those pictures around?" He pointed at them but his head still faced the screen.  
  
Kryten walked over to where he was pointing. "These two?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
He flipped the pictures around and decided to dust as long as he was up. He began to whistle again as he made his way around the room with the feather duster. Lister recognized the tune and frowned.  
  
"Why don't you dance the fandango while you're at it?"  
  
Kryten turned around. "Sir?"  
  
"Honestly, Kryten. Whistling 'Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead.' Real sensitive, man."  
  
"I'm sorry sir, I didn't realize I was bothering you. Would you prefer if I hummed?"  
  
"No I would not prefer if you hummed," Lister shot back in a whiny voice. He shook his head. "She didn't even die. She left, remember?"  
  
"Yes of course I do, sir, although I still can't believe you let her take Blue Midget."  
  
"She didn't want to endanger us an' the Dwarf. The linkway works better when focused on a small space anyway. It was her best chance of getting home. From the flash we saw before Blue Midget disappeared, it looks like she somehow succeeded."  
  
"Or it could mean that something went hideously wrong and she was blown to bits. I don't think we should rule out that possibility, sir."  
  
"I'm sure she's FINE, Kryten. By now she's back with her perfect Lister and her perfect life." He leaned back and put his feet up on the table. "Personally, I'm glad she's gone."  
  
"Of course, sir."  
  
Lister looked up. "What's that supposed t'mean?"  
  
"Nothing, sir. It was just a simple answer."  
  
"Yeah, and it was also very sarcastic."  
  
Kryten put down his duster. "Well I didn't mean to imply anything, sir, if that's what you're getting at. I wasn't pointing out how easy it is to see that you miss her and that you're quite miserable at the moment. No, nothing of the sort."  
  
"Well I DON'T miss her. She's outta my hair now." He winced as he thought of all the times she reminded him of how different he was from 'her Dave.' It made him want to `chuck.  
  
"Whatever you say, sir."  
  
"I really don't miss her, you know that, right? I mean there's no reason for me to. The way she always had to have things done her way and how she treated us like we had no idea what we were doin'. Good riddance to her, that's what I say."  
  
" Of course. I mean, why should you miss her? She was only the woman you've loved all your life, albeit from a different reality. There's no reason whatsoever that you should be sad to see her go."  
  
"Exactly. I'm glad you see it my way, Kryts." He jumped up onto his bunk.  
  
"And I'm sure you only stare at those photographs to make sure that you're not becoming near-sighted. Of course you don't miss her." Kryten waited for Lister to say something, but he only heard him sigh.  
  
"It's that obvious then," he said at last.  
  
Kryten nodded. "I'm afraid so, sir."  
  
"But I'm happy that she got to go back. I am! She got to go back to the life she's used to and that's what counts."  
  
"Yes, and the salad cream is finally back where it belongs." Lister glared at him. "Sorry sir, I guess the sight of chilled salad cream doesn't send joy into your heart like it does with me."  
  
Lister leaned his head back into his pillow. "Everything's back the way it should be." He tried to ignore the little voice in the back of his mind that said otherwise. "It's time to move on."  
  
Kryten watched him as he jumped down. "Sir, why do you still use the top bunk? The bottom one's empty."  
  
"I can't use that bunk, Kryten. That's Rimmer's bunk. Always has been, always will be. I couldn't get used to it bein' any other way."  
  
"But sir, his light bee was destroyed, remember? It's not like he's coming back."  
  
"I dunno about that," Lister grinned. "Stranger things have happened."  
  
Kryten picked up the tray. "Well, if you'll excuse me sir, I have to go. Bob the Skutter is expecting me in the drive room. It seems that the nanobots misplaced some of their John Wayne videos. Confidentially sir, I fear that the skutters might go on strike. Then nothing will get done around here."  
  
"Might go on strike?" Lister repeated. "How would we be able t'tell?"  
  
"I think they're serious, sir. Hopefully an agreement can be reached."  
  
Lister sat down at the television as Kryten walked out of the room. Stopping the tape just as the red-head punched the blond in the jaw, he looked at the bottom bunk. Years ago, when Rimmer decided to move next door with his replica, he'd been thrilled to get his own room. Now it just felt empty. He wondered what Rimmer was up to.  
  
He'd been wondering that a lot lately.  
  
Holly appeared on the monitor again. "Dave? Cat wants you to come down and help him carry his new wardrobe back. He also wants me to remind you to wear velvet gloves."  
  
Lister switched the TV off. "Yeah, Hol, tell `im I'm on me way." He glanced at the empty bunk again and headed out the door.  
  



	4. Chapter Four

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Four   
  
857 dimensions away, Rimmer was preparing to do the impossible: jumping to a dimension with no counterpart to lock onto. He drummed his fingers on the window as he waited for the computer to finish her calculations. The risk didn't scare him at all; he'd been through a lot worse. What scared him was the chance that it might actually work.  
  
"Diane, are you almost ready?" he asked with impatience.  
  
"Hang on, Ace. I've just noticed that the aft sensors aren't functioning. Do you want to land and repair them before we jump?"  
  
Rimmer shook his head. "No, I'll fix them once we're there. Let's just get this over with."  
  
"Right. Beginning final check."  
  
****  
"Are the aft sensors disabled, ensign?"  
  
"Yes sir. They have no idea we're even here."  
  
Lord Gambran stroked his goatee and watched the Wildfire from the bridge of the Timlar flagship, the Usurper. "I think we'd better engage the frequency cloak anyway, ensign. I don't want to take any chances."  
  
"Aye, sir. Frequency cloak engaged."  
  
Gambran relaxed in his chair and stared at the ship on the screen with fiery eyes. For 600 years the Timlars had terrorized the Navetians. 600 glorious and uninterrupted years. Now everything had been ruined and it was all thanks to some hotshot that had appeared out of nowhere. The High Council wanted answers, and the fingers of guilt were being pointed at Gambran. He clenched his teeth as he thought about the talk and the accusations that were being generated against him. He was NOT going to be remembered as the leader that allowed the Timlar Empire to fall. Therefore he vowed to eke revenge on Mr. Ace Rimmer. Then and only then would glory be restored to his people and a new era would begin.  
  
"Ensign, launch the grappling link."  
  
The ensign turned around and faced his leader. "But it hasn't been tested yet. Are you sure you want to--"  
  
"Just do as I say, ensign."  
  
The ensign nodded and turned back to his console, entering the proper calculations.  
  
The grappling link was their newest invention. It was a sort of subspace grappling hook that linked their ship with the unsuspecting enemy's. After shutting off the main power, the Timlar ship would be towed by the enemy ship to wherever it was going. The Timlar ship would then be able to uncloak and strike at full power when the proper moment presented itself. Sneaky and deadly, it was simply a marvelous device.  
  
However, since it hadn't been tested yet, Gambran had ordered the aft sensors on the Wildfire to be disabled--just to be safe. Nothing could go wrong on this mission. Everyone was depending on them and failure just wasn't an option.  
  
"Grappling link engaged, sir. They won't suspect a thing. Their computer will pick up a little static, but that's all."  
  
"Good. Cut main power and go to green alert. I want to be sure that everyone is ready for this moment of triumph."  
  
The ensign punched up the alert and turned to Gambran once more. "Sir, we still aren't picking up any life-signs aboard the enemy craft. Are you sure he's on board?"  
  
"I'm positive. He must have some device that blocks any reading of his life-sign. Just get me that report from Timlar Intelligence as soon as possible. I want to know exactly what we're up against." The ensign nodded and swiveled forward again. Gambran looked at the screen and saw the thrusters of the Wildfire roar to life.  
  
"Now we'll see if our little gambit works," he said, rubbing his hands in anticipation.  
  
The Wildfire began to pick up speed, and a few moments later, the crew felt the Usurper begin to move along with it. Everyone erupted in cheers.  
  
A big grin spread across Gambran's face. He leapt to his feet and clapped the ensign's shoulder. "You see? Nothing to worry about." Gambran accepted a drink from his navigator and began to celebrate with the rest of the crew.  
  
The ensign gave a nervous nod and turned back to the screen. He suddenly became very still. "Um, sir?"  
  
Gambran didn't hear him. He was too busy shaking hands and congratulating everyone. He raised his glass in a toast and everyone followed suit.  
  
"To the glory of the Timlar Empire. May we receive total victory in this endeavor." Everyone gave a resounding "hear, hear!" and they all drank heartily.  
  
"Soon the enemy will be in our midst. We'll blast his ship from the sky. No one strikes against the Timlars and gets away with it!"  
  
The crew cheered and more wine was poured. Gambran's eyes were blazing as he thought of the coming battle.  
  
"Then we'll capture our enemy and bring him back to the High Council to receive the greatest torture and humiliation we can offer. Mark my words, he will pay!"  
  
The crew erupted in vengeful joy. Again the ensign tried to get Gambran's attention, and again Gambran didn't hear him. Instead, he threw his glass against the wall, where it shattered and sent wine and glass fragments flying all over the bridge. The crew followed suit, and soon glass shards covered the floor. No one cared. They were too taken away with themselves.  
  
"Yes, torture in the most horrible nature," Gambran went on. "First we'll pluck out his eyes."  
  
The officers clenched their fists in anticipation.  
  
"Then we'll peel the skin off his limbs and pour lemon juice on them."  
  
Evil laughter began to fill the air. Gambran was awfully good at stirring sinister notions in the hearts of his crew, and today was no exception.  
  
"And last, but certainly not least--" He paused, allowing the suspense to invade everyone's mind. He grinned slyly and whispered the words that everyone was waiting to hear.  
  
"The box."  
  
Another rousing cheer, louder than all of the previous ones put together. If there was one thing the Timlars were good at, it was thinking up tortures for people.  
  
Gambran noticed the ensign wasn't having fun like everyone else and went down to his post. "Ensign, what's wrong? Why aren't you celebrating with the rest of us?"  
  
The ensign pointed to the screen, his finger nervously shaking in the air. "S-Sir? I think you should take a look at this."  
  
Gambran looked up at the screen, and his smile quickly faded.  
  
The Wildfire was traveling at an incredible speed. Stars streaked past before anyone had a chance to understand that they were there. Faster and faster and faster it went, pulling the Usurper --and its perfectly functioning grappling link--along for the ride.  
  
The pressure began to build. Wine bottles began to burst and the glass on the floor began to vibrate. Everyone began to be forced to the floor, unable to avoid the shards that were scattered everywhere. Weird streaks of light began to flicker past the ship as the ships continued to climb to higher and higher speeds.  
  
Gambran slowly began to crawl to the ensign's post. Although it was less than two feet from where he was standing, it took tremendous effort to get there. Grabbing the back of the chair, he looked up at the ensign.  
  
"What... is...hap.....pen..ing?" he managed to say, although his jaws felt like they were being fused together. The ensign couldn't respond. Both of them watched the numbers on the consol flashing uncontrollably. It seemed even the computer had been taken by surprise.  
  
Gambran felt his cheeks being pulled back by the rate that they were traveling. He began to pull himself up to a standing position. If he was going to meet his destiny today, he was determined to meet it standing up. Using every ounce of his strength, he inched his way up the chair. He stood straight just in time to see the Wildfire disappear in a flash of bright light.  
  
He tried to scream, but the sound was being pushed down out of reach. His mind, however, was fully functional, and the scream sounded in his head to make up for the noise his throat was unable to produce. Then without warning, silence. For a split second, the pressure eased off a little, and Gambran felt an instant of relief. He wondered if the grappling link had severed when the other ship was destroyed.  
  
He began to relax. Maybe they'd survive this after all.  
  
Suddenly, the ship surged forward with an unbelievable force. Gambran was thrown backwards and flew across the bridge, smacking hard against the back wall. The room began to spin and he felt himself passing out. Blinding light flooded the room, and Gambran slipped into unconsciousness .  
  
No else on the ship saw the final events unfold either; all had passed out because of the unexpected pressure. Therefore no one was awake to witness the single most important event in Timlar history.  
  
Their flagship had just broke the speed of reality.  



	5. Chapter Five

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Five   
  
Moments later, the Usurper flashed into the new dimension, becoming visible for a moment before the cloak reactivated. Onboard, the crew were still passed out. Many of them had several cuts on their bodies thanks to being crushed down on the glass shards. The computer had given up trying to figure out what had just happened and now patiently waited for some input from the crew.  
  
As the pressure levels rapidly dropped back to normal, the crew began to revive. No one said a word as they began to check their posts for damage. Whatever they had been through, it was a miracle they were still alive.  
  
Gambran opened his eyes and gasped. Everything was upside down! How in the world could that be? He still felt the pressure, although it was much more bearable now, and a terrible noise rang in his ears. Suddenly a pair of feet appeared before him.  
  
"Sir, let me help you up."  
  
A hand appeared and Gambran took it. He was hoisted to his feet and everything was right side up again, although his head still felt like it would burst at any second. He waited for the room to quit spinning.  
  
"What happened?" he asked no one in particular.  
  
"That's just what we were going to ask you, sir," said the first officer.  
  
Gambran shook off the remaining dizziness. "I want answers. Find out what happened and give me a damage report as soon as possible." He became aware of the noise again and realized it was the green alert.  
  
"Someone turn that damn alert off." He winced as he waited for the siren to subside. Finally it was quiet again. "Ah, that's SO much better. Ensign!"  
  
The ensign snapped awake and began to orient himself with reality once more. "Y-yes sir?"  
  
"Find out what's happened. I want to know where we are and how we got here." He looked at the screen and began to shake with anger. The Wildfire was nowhere in sight.  
  
"Where is he. Where is he?!" He pounded on the console, almost crushing the ensign's fingers. "Find out where he is. I will not let him get away with putting our crew through an ordeal like that." He leaned in close to the ensign. "I thought you had a lock on him!"  
  
"Well we couldn't find any life-signs, if you remember, so we were unable to establish the lock." His heart leapt into his throat as Gambran raised his hand. "However, s-sir, the report from intelligence is being processed. We can study that while I work on the lock."  
  
Gambran lowered his hand. "Good. Make it available as soon as possible." He began to pace around the room and stepped on some glass. "Someone get in here and clean up this damn glass," he barked. Crew members rushed to the scene and began to clean up. He glared at the screen again.  
  
"You are NOT getting away from me," he snarled. "I won't have it."  
  
  
  
The Wildfire shut down its jump thrusters and returned to a normal cruising speed. Diane reappeared on the monitor, dazed but otherwise in perfect working order.  
  
"Well, that was a ride! It'll take a minute before I'll be able to tell if it worked. Hang on a m--" Her eyes widened with fear as she observed the sight before her.  
  
He just laid there, head on his shoulder, still as can be. She tried to see his face through his helmet shield, but it was no use. So she did what any emotional computer would have done when the man she was obsessed with wasn't responding. She began to panic.  
  
"Ace, are you all right?" She got no answer.  
  
"No, don't do this to me. Please, you HAVE to be all right!"  
  
Still no answer.  
  
"Answer me, please Ace?! PLEASE!"  
  
Rimmer blinked and let the familiarity of the cockpit slowly enter into his sight. He had blacked out. He had begun to wonder if there had been a malfunction in pressure control when he realized that Diane was freaking out.   
  
"Oh no, you didn't make it! It's all my fault! I must have made some error, and look what's happened! I'll terminate myself immediately. Maybe I can donate some of my diodes to the charity for helping scrambled airport weapon detectors--"  
  
"Diane, will you calm down?!" he cried in his regular voice. "I'm FINE."  
  
"Ace, you're ok!!!" Synthetic kissmarks filled the screen. Rimmer couldn't help but smile.  
  
"Are you sure you're all right? Nothing's broken or missing?"  
  
"Yes yes, I'm fine. No need to get all worked up about it."  
  
"How many fingers am I holding up."  
  
"Diane, you don't have any fingers."  
  
She grinned. "That's right!!! You're fine!!" More synthetic kissmarks. Rimmer rolled his eyes.  
  
"Well *I'm* all right." He pushed himself up in the chair. "How's the ship?"  
  
"Everything's fine, except for the aft sensors, like before. I am picking up a lot of static, though. Oh well, I'm sure it's nothing."  
  
Rimmer looked out the window. "So did we make it? Are we here?"  
  
"According to my calculations, yes. We've successfully jumped to dimension 23915. No wonder why there was such a jolt this time. We never jumped that many dimensions before."  
  
He turned back slowly. "But we were trying to get back to MY dimension, remember?" He couldn't hide the disappointment in his voice. "What went wrong?"  
  
"I'm not sure right now. I got distracted staring at you." She blushed as he covered his face. "Sorry! You just looked so determined. I can't help it, I have a weakness." She smiled. "Give me a little time, I'll work it out."  
  
Rimmer laid his head back in his chair. "Anyone around?"  
  
"Ooh, a lifesign!" she chirped happily. "Probably from the Rimmer in this dimension. So we've got a live one this time, eh?" She froze, embarrassed. "Sorry, no offense. It's just been a while since we've had one of those."  
  
Rimmer ignored her. "Where's the signal coming from?"  
  
"Below us, on that small planet." She paused. "I wonder what he's doing down there?"  
  
"Well, bring up his file. Let's find out."  
  
"Searching..." She frowned. "Oh dear. This is interesting."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"He doesn't have one. No Ace has ever visited this dimension before. Therefore no one has made a file about his history, his friends, and other vital information." She looked up into his eyes. "Looks like you're on your own this time."  
  
"What? How can I pretend to be Ace when I don't know anything about him? He'll see right through me."  
  
"But he's never met you before. He doesn't even know Ace exists!"  
  
"Which means he has no one to compare me to," he said thoughtfully. "In essence, I'll be the only Ace he'll ever know." He felt his stomach begin to knot up.  
  
"Exactly," she grinned. "This ought to be fun!"  
  
"Prepare to land." Rimmer took hold of the controls and sighed. He was nervous as hell. He'd never met another "him" before, save for the original Ace; the very idea of meeting yet another version of himself was nerve-racking. What would this one be like? Another reminder of how good his life could have been if things had been a little different? Or would he have it worse, if that were even possible? Personally, he didn't really want to know. This time, however, it didn't look like he had a choice.  
  
_Here goes nothing_, he thought, as the Wildfire began to descend into the hazy blue atmosphere.  
  
The ship emerged underneath a patch of orange clouds and a vast landscape presented itself below. The entire surface appeared to be mountainous, lush with green vegetation that complimented the grays and reds of the rock. There was a calmness about the place; Rimmer even felt himself relax a little. As nice as it was, though, he realized he couldn't see any signs of life. What on earth would he--or rather, another him--be doing in a place like this?  
  
"Diane, are you sure he's down there? I don't see any buildings whatsoever."  
  
"Don't worry, he's there. His signal's coming from the direction of that plateau up ahead."  
  
As the ship got closer, a small dwelling came into view. It looked like a cabin of some sort. A single plume of smoke slowly raised from the chimney, curling like a finger that beckoned them to come closer. Rimmer eased the ship down into a picture perfect landing and climbed to the ground to look around.  
  
The calmness he felt before had now become an uncomfortable stillness, covering the area in a blanket of forced tranquillity. He looked around for some sign of life--an animal scurrying away, a bird flying above him--but couldn't see anything. Only the leaves rustling in the wind made any attempt at movement. It was as if the place didn't dare to move for fear of some terrible penalty. Needless to say, it made Rimmer a bit uneasy.  
  
His ears perked as he heard a loud creak, and he looked at the building in front of him. An old shutter gently rocked back and forth on the front window of the cabin; a relatively soft noise normally, but in a soundless place like this, it seemed to scream like a banshee. The weathered wood of the house looked as if it were ready to give out at any moment. Turning around, he took in the entire vista of the plateau. Nothing but mountains and an empty air. He shuddered when the cabin suddenly jumped back into view. It seemed oddly out of place on such a desolate world, although it perfectly reflected the stillness of the area. If it weren't for the smoke emerging from the chimney, he would have thought the place to be deserted itself.  
  
Rimmer heard a low groan and realized it was coming from the front door, which swung open with a slow, lazy yawn. He removed his helmet and waited for someone to emerge, but no one came. Puzzled, he took a few steps closer.  
  
"Hello? Is anyone there?" No answer. He shook his head. What the smeg was going--  
  
**ka-POW!!! **  
  
The sound of the gun was deafening, shattering the rigid silence within a matter of seconds. Rimmer realized his eyes were shut and somehow willed them open again. Reluctantly, he looked down to see if he had been shot.  
  
He sighed with relief: he was fine. Whoever it was behind that gun, he was a terrible shot. He had missed his intended target by a longshot.  
  
He looked up and saw his counterpart standing in the doorway, pointing a large shotgun at Rimmer's head. His white T-shirt was covered in a cold sweat as he tried to hide the fact that he was trembling. They both stared at each other for an uncomfortable moment.  
  
"Look, I don't know who you are," the counterpart said at last, "but I'm giving you ten seconds to get the hell off my property."  



	6. Chapter Six

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Six   
  
Rimmer wanted to move but his feet refused to leave the spot where they stood. The shock of being taken completely unawares was driving him mad. He had defeated empires! Fought against master killers! How could he have let his guard down like that? He tried to move again; still no cooperation. Thus the strategic retreat option was out, as was the idea of charging the guy. His mind tried to develop some sort of feasible plan, but kept coming up empty handed. For the moment, he was helpless.  
  
He hoped it didn't show.  
  
"Didn't you hear me?" his 'other self' asked. "I said leave! Vacate the premises, head for the hills. Just go away!"  
  
"Look, I don't want any trouble--"  
  
"Well you've got some, haven't you?" the counterpart replied, trying to sound tough.  
  
Rimmer's senses returned, and he got ready to jump and force the guy's head into places it wasn't meant to go. He looked up at 'himself' again, getting the 'before pummeling' picture in his mind so he could remember it when the 'after' picture was in front of him--and froze. He couldn't help but notice his counterpart's hair. It was like his own was, only the 'other him' had managed to wear it more casual. How did he do that? It still looked neat, short and proper, but somehow it didn't look like it were clumped together like the bristles of a cheap shaving cream brush, as his own sometimes appeared to be. Fascinating.  
  
The counterpart realized he was being stared at. "Look, do you think you could somehow managed to pry your eyes off of me and go away?"  
  
"Sorry," answered Rimmer, slipping into his normal voice. He sounded absent. "I was just noticing that you part your hair on the opposite side of mine."  
  
"That's fascinating." The gun was raised higher. "Now leave."  
  
Rimmer couldn't move; he was still in awe. _This must have been how Ace felt when he first saw *me*, _he realized. He remembered the confusion surrounding his own first encounter with Ace. He couldn't hurt this guy! He was just as blameless as Rimmer himself had been when he found himself in the same circumstances.  
  
Still, Rimmer had to admit, he hadn't tried to shoot Ace when he had met him. He had wished that a slow and painful death would meet Ace, true, but he didn't try to kill him. Rimmer looked at the shot gun again.  
  
"There really is no need for this. I'm only here to--"  
  
"I don't care, all right? I just want you to leave! How hard is that for you to understand?!" The gun was raised even higher; his hands were trembling so much that Rimmer was sure he was going to drop it. "Now your time is up, m'laddo. What's it going to be?"  
  
A loud KCH-KCH! rang out, and the other Rimmer looked up. He couldn't believe his eyes. Somehow the stranger's ship had turned, moved closer, and was now aiming its guns at...him. His legs turned to jelly and he began to wonder where he kept his spare pants.  
  
Rimmer noticed the color drain out of his counterpart's face, and turned to see what he was staring at. He rolled his eyes.  
  
"Diane, there is no need to show off. I had everything under control."  
  
"Ohh, I know!" she whined through the communicator in his collar. "I just wanted to be part of the action for once."  
  
"Just put the guns back."  
  
"...fine." The guns slowly retracted and the ship settled.  
  
"Thank you." He turned back to face his other self, who was still staring at the ship. More importantly, though, he had absently allowed the gun to rest. Rimmer shrugged and simply walked forward, grabbing the gun in one swift movement. His counterpart put up no resistance; in fact, he seemed glad to be rid of the thing. He stared at Rimmer with disbelief, unable to calm down no matter how hard he tried. Rimmer guessed it was more shock than anything else, and he could certainly relate.  
  
"Arnie, relax," Rimmer said gently as he helped him sit down. "I know everything's a bit weird right now, but believe me, you have nothing to worry about."  
  
"It's A.J., actually," the counterpart replied in a shaky voice. "I've always preferred it if people called me A.J." He looked uneasily at Rimmer. "That's ok, isn't it?"  
  
Rimmer couldn't help but laugh. A.J.'s face clouded with anger. "Well I'm glad you find that so amusing." Rimmer laughed even harder. A.J. shook his head.  
  
"No no, it's not your name," Rimmer said at last, "it's just that you remind me so much of myself the first time *I* met Ace! It's just incredible."  
  
"Ace? I haven't met anyone named Ace."  
  
Rimmer reached over and roughly shook A.J.'s hand. "Well you have now, old sport. The name's Ace Rimmer, and it's a pleasure to meet you, A.J."  
  
"Ace **Rimmer**?" A.J. echoed. "You mean, you're related to me somehow?"  
  
"No, not just that. I _am_ you. Another version of you. I'm from a different dimension." He pointed to his ship. "My ship over there, the Wildfire, has a drive on it that can break the speed of reality."  
  
A.J. had started to stand up, but hearing "different dimension" made him sit down again. "A different dimension," he repeated.  
  
Rimmer nodded. "I can jump to any other dimension. It locks onto my counterpart there--in this case, you--and I come face to face with, well...me."  
  
"Incredible," A.J. said as he looked at the Wildfire. For a day that had started out rather dull, things were certainly getting a lot more interesting. "I don't understand, though. How can you be me--but not me?"  
  
"Well, at some point in our past--"  
  
"We share the same past as well?"  
  
"Well yes, to an extent. I assume you had three older brothers named Frank, Howard, and John, for instance." A.J. nodded, still not believing his ears. Rimmer continued, "Most everything about our lives is the same--up until a certain point, that is, when some decision was made. You went one way, and I went another, and from that point on, our lives went in different directions, resulting in different dimensions. Every other Rimmer in every other dimension is similarly effected."  
  
"Incredible," A.J. said again. "How many dimensions are there?"  
  
"With an infinite amount of decisions to make, the number is probably astounding. Personally, I try not to think about it. It makes my head hurt."  
  
"That makes two of us."  
  
Rimmer helped him to his feet and gave him his gun back. A.J. smiled weakly.  
  
"Sorry about that before. I just like my privacy."  
  
"I was going to ask you about that. Why are you living in such a desolate place?"  
  
A.J. opened the door to his cabin. "Erm, why don't you come inside first. It's a rather long and uninteresting story, so get comfortable."  
  
  
  
The ensign approached Gambran with as much courage as he could muster. He was never sure how his leader would take news, either good or bad. Since he wasn't sure exactly what sort of quality went with the news he was about to tell, he was especially worried.  
  
He stepped in front of him and gave a stiff salute. "Sir, the report on the enemy has just come in."  
  
"Yes? And does it give us any idea at all as to why we can't get any life readings from a living man?"  
  
"That's just it sir, he isn't alive."  
  
Gambran bolted to his feet. "What? Of course he is. I fought him myself! He is most certainly alive."  
  
"No sir, he isn't. According to the report, he's...a hologram."  
  
"A what?!"  
  
"A hologram, sir. A computer generated image of his former self."  
  
"I know what a hologram is, ensign" he snapped, and began to walk around his chair. "Sneaky devil. Killing himself so that we can't, then sending his hologram in instead. I must admit, we may be dealing with a much more cunning opponent than we originally thought." He whirled around and faced the ensign.  
  
"One thing puzzles me, though. I was led to believe that holograms are simply projections of light. If that's so, then how is it that I was able to fight him? I most certainly felt--" he stopped himself from saying 'those punches he threw at me', and opted instead for "a head when I kicked it."  
  
"This confused us as well, sir, but we have come up with a theory." Gambran nodded for him to continue. The ensign cleared his throat. "We postulate, sir, that he is somehow able to generate a field of matter with his image--a hard-light drive, if you will--therefore giving him a body, in essence."  
  
"How does he control it?"  
  
"Well, if he's anything like the holograms that we know of, probably by some device that produces the image."  
  
"Interesting," he hissed, tapping the tips of his fingers against his chin. "Trying to kill an opponent who is already dead. This shall prove to be most fascinating." He jumped back into his chair. "Do we have any way of tracking him?"  
  
"Yes sir. We have discovered a frequency that reveals his projection device." The ensign leaned in closer, embracing his moment of triumph. "He's on the planet below us, along with some living person. If we attack in cloak, he'll never know what hit him."  
  
Gambran laughed and clapped the ensign on the back. "Excellent, excellent! Remind me to promote you." The ensign beamed with satisfaction and returned to his post. Gambran looked to the communications officer.  
  
"Any word from Timlar high command yet?"  
  
"No sir. No reply on any frequency."  
  
"Then we'll just have to go after him on our own. It's what the high command would have instructed us to do, anyway." He sat up straight. "Helm, take us down."  
  
"Aye, sir."  
  
Gambran felt a rush of adrenaline as he watched the planet come into view. He could smell victory in the air. It was all just a matter of time.  
  



	7. Chapter Seven

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Seven   
  
Rimmer looked around and could hardly believe his eyes. The room looked like it had been hit by a tornado. Everywhere he looked he saw books and papers, stacked and scattered in every possible manner. Dirty clothes hung from lampshades while half-eaten sandwiches and coffee-stained mugs resided on the desk in the corner. He thought he could make out a bed and a few chairs beneath the junk, and if it weren't for a path that cut its way to the door, he wouldn't have been able to see the floor either. A.J. noticed Ace's mouth hanging open and gave an embarrassed smile.  
  
"Erm, sorry about the mess. I don't get much company, so I don't bother cleaning up. I've gotten a bit lazy, I guess."  
  
"What exactly do you do?" asked Rimmer, still aghast of the incredible mess.  
  
"I'm a historian."  
  
Rimmer snapped his head up in surprise. "A historian?"  
  
"Earth history, of course, mainly the Napoleonic campaigns and the World Wars."  
  
Now it was Rimmer's turn to say it: "Incredible. How long have you been doing this?"  
  
"Well I've always been interested in history. It's in my blood." He cleared some papers and some dirty clothes off one of his chairs and sat down. "Quite a while, I guess. It's sort of amusing to think what I could have become. Father of course wanted me to become an officer--"  
  
"Oh yes, I know that very well. Was he constantly drilling you with questions as well?"  
  
"Yes! And the way he ran his household. Always barking orders like he was on the battlefield in the middle of a war."  
  
"Nothing was ever good enough for him," said Rimmer quietly, thinking back to his horrendous childhood. "No matter what I did, or at least tried to do, I could never win his favor."  
  
"Yes well at least you became an officer! I didn't even join the Space Corps."  
  
Rimmer was stunned. "You didn't join the Space Corps?"  
  
"No. I didn't want to." He noticed Rimmer staring at him in shock. "What, you can't possibly tell me that you truly wanted to join the Corps?"  
  
"Well, yes and no. Part of me told me I should go, and part told me I must be crazy. I just wanted to do the right thing."  
  
"So did I." A.J. grabbed his jacket from the coat rack and put it on. "I remember standing on the gantry with father as we waited for the transport ship to arrive. We didn't talk, of course. Just stood there and waited."  
  
Rimmer nodded, picturing the same experience in his head. "I had to watch everyone else laughing with their family, excited and thrilled to be heading to the Space Corps, while I had to stand at perfect attention to please father. 'No silly chat' he told me on the way there. 'No son of mine is going to make me look undignified.' I really don't know why he bothered to show up. I would have gladly gone on my own."  
  
Now A.J. nodded. He was beginning to enjoy this talk with 'himself'. It was so nice to find someone who knew what it was like. "I was so confused. Would joining the Space Corps make my father approve of me at last? Was it really what I wanted to do?"  
  
"What would happen there, would I be any good--the questions kept coming and coming."  
  
"Then the ship arrived and the docking announcement came."  
  
"It was my final chance to say no."  
  
"But did I dare say no to father?"  
  
"I looked at him--"  
  
"--and I did what any good son would do:  
  
"I turned and entered the ship--"  
  
"--I said no."  
  
They looked at each other suddenly, realizing what they had just said.  
  
"You said no?!" Rimmer asked at last.  
  
"Of course I said no! I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to break free! Even when I divorced my parents, their shadow still hovered over me. I just realized that if I joined the Space Corps, I would be under their control forever. Just for once, I wanted to do something that made ME happy."  
  
"You stood up to father," Rimmer said in quiet amazement. He couldn't even comprehend doing such a thing. All his life he had truly understood one thing and one thing only: father is always right. No matter how much he resented the man, hated him for being so cold and heartless to him all his life, despised him for making him into the failure he had to see in the mirror every day--despite all this, he never once could have stood his ground and go against his father like A.J. had. He had been too well conditioned to do something like that.  
  
"I can't believe you actually stood up to him," he said again.  
  
"And you didn't, I take it."  
  
"No. I wanted to desperately, really I did. I wanted to spit in his face and drop-kick the bastard to infinity." His hands had become fists as the pain and frustration returned, and now they slowly released, hanging helplessly over his knees. "But at the same time, I wanted to please him. Just once, I wanted to succeed and do something that would make him proud of me. Just *once*." He reached up to rub his 'H' but remembered it wasn't there anymore. Yet another thing he still wasn't used to yet. "I thought that joining the Space Corps would make him happy. It's what he always wanted his sons to do, and since my brothers had all gone..." He sighed. "I guess I just thought that's where I was meant to be too."  
  
He looked up to A.J., who looked back with understanding eyes. "I guess it's pretty obvious where our destiny's split, right?" He motioned for A.J. to continue. "So come on, what happened after you broke the news? Father must have been irate."  
  
"Well he was. In fact, he didn't speak to me for five years. So I took the opportunity to discover what made me happy, not what made him happy. I realized my love for history could be put to use, and I got a job working for a small publication. I was 'discovered' soon after that, got a book deal, and the rest, as they say, is history."  
  
"And father never intervened?"  
  
"No. His silence was enough to make me insecure about my decision, but I kept going. I didn't hear from him until after the publication of my second book. He called me one day, completely out of the blue, and told me how he'd read both of my books." A.J. crossed the room and began digging through a stack of books and yellowed papers. "It was so weird, we actually had a normal conversation for once. He talked briefly about what the rest of the family was doing, but mostly he just wanted to hear about me. What was I up to, was I happy--imagine that, father talking about happiness. It was so bizarre."  
  
"Indeed," muttered Rimmer. He couldn't help but feel a twinge of envy. A.J. found what he was looking for and handed it to Rimmer. It was a photograph of A.J. and his father standing in front of what Rimmer presumed to be A.J.'s publishing office. Both men had an arm around each other and sported broad grins. Rimmer was speechless.  
  
A.J seemed to read his thoughts. "It's strange, I know. I wouldn't believe it myself if I were you. Which I sort of am, I guess." He scratched his head and sat down next to Rimmer, who was still staring at the photo. "After father apologized--"  
  
"Apologized?!" Rimmer repeated, running his fingers through his hair. This was getting to be too much.  
  
"Yes, he apologized to me. Not for everything, mind you--I don't think he could ever say sorry enough times to make up for that so-called childhood of mine--ours...;" he looked to Rimmer to verify his feelings, but Rimmer replied with a stunned look. A.J. went on, "but he did apologize for not speaking to me for five years. He said he was glad that I was happy and successful." A look of subtle triumph came across him as he realized for the first time that his father had approved of him. Truly approved of him.  
  
"He was proud of you," said Rimmer, still unable to believe it.  
  
"Yes, I suppose on some level, he was. Anyway, after that we became quite close."  
  
"You and father were close."  
  
A.J. nodded. "He came with me on several research assignments. I got to know a lot about him. He also knew a lot about history and his assistance was quite useful. For a while, things were simply fabaroo between the two of us. Then he had to have that heart attack..." his voice trailed off as he remembered when he first heard the news. It still hurt.  
  
Rimmer snapped out of his trance when A.J. mentioned the heart attack. "My father died peacefully in his sleep, if I remember correctly. All I received was a letter from mother."  
  
"After the funeral, I was a hopeless wreck. I couldn't concentrate on my work and I didn't care. I stopped eating, drank way too much, and basically sat around in my apartment, waiting to be taken away by whatever evilness it was that had taken my father from me." He looked down and said quietly, "It was an awful place I found myself in."  
  
Rimmer nodded with sympathy. Whatever hints of jealousy he felt before had disappeared, and he looked at A.J. with quiet wonder.  
  
"Finally I woke up one day and realized that I couldn't go on like this. I decided to pull myself together, but I knew I couldn't do that in a place with so many memories. So I bought land on this little planet with the money I had earned off my first book, and I've been living here ever since. No one ever comes here. I'm free to conduct my research in complete and utter privacy. I guess that's why I acted so crazy before. You're the first person I've seen in almost six years; I didn't know what to think." He stood up and faced 'himself.' "Sorry, my babbling must have been incredibly boring."  
  
"No, not at all! It's been most educational, to say the least." Rimmer had given up any hope of keeping up his Ace persona, not that A.J. would have noticed. This development was simply too fantastic for even Ace himself to bear.  
  
A.J. smiled. "So come on. You've heard my tale, what's yours? Judging by your flashy appearance and that fabulous ship you piloted here, I take it you were an incredible success in the Space Corps?"  
  
Rimmer smirked bitterly. "Hardly. I couldn't become an officer no matter how hard I tried. In fact I spent most of my career on board a mining ship called Red Dwarf, cleaning out clogged chicken soup nozzles in food dispensers and failing the astro-navigation exam every time I took it. Not really a success story if you ask me."  
  
"But look at you! You're so confident, so smooth. You must have done something right to end up like that."  
  
"What, this?" he asked, gesturing to his hair and uniform. "No no, this is a completely different story. See, it all started when--"  
  
He was cut off by the sound of a large explosion coming from outside the cabin.  
  
"What the smeg was that?" they yelled in unison, and headed for the door when another explosion bellowed. The cabin began to quake from the impact tremors from the blasts.  
  
Whatever it was, it was getting closer.  



	8. Chapter Eight

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Eight   
  
Jason was losing his patience. He didn't have all day to sit here and wait for her to answer the door. He had tasks to reassign and an exercise session with Lieutenant Noland in fifteen minutes, and he certainly wouldn't be late for that. He tried knocking harder. "Commander, are you there?!"   
  
Nirvana awoke with a start. She looked at the time--what? She had fallen asleep? Impossible. She realized she was clutching something in her hand, and looked down. It was the note.  
  
Another series of knocks. "Commander, PLEASE! Answer the door."  
  
Jason, she realized, and got up from the bed. The knocks continued as she headed for the door, pounding inside her sleepy head in the most annoying way. It is going to be a LONG time before we exercise again, Jason, she told herself, and slowly opened the door.  
  
"...yes?"  
  
"Commander, at last. Didn't you hear me knocking?"  
  
"Oh that's what that was! I'm sorry, I thought it was an angry mob attacking city hall."  
  
Jason noticed that Nirvana was trying to hide something behind her back. "What's that?"  
  
"What's what?"  
  
He snatched the note from her hand and skimmed through it before throwing it down in disgust. "I knew it. You were thinking about that damn technician again, weren't you?"  
  
Nirvana's lips curled into a smile as she reached down and picked up the note. "Yes, as a matter of fact I was. Not that it's any business of yours, lieutenant."  
  
"Nirvana, when are you going to see what's happening to you?"  
  
"And just what is that?"  
  
He sighed in frustration. "You've become so emotionally attached to that man. It's interfering with your work, your relationships--your general state of well-being."  
  
"Oh nonsense. Just because I'm not afraid to let my emotions show doesn't mean that my health is at risk."  
  
Jason firmly grabbed her hand, pinning her against the wall. "Commander, you leave me no choice. After we have dealt with the matter at hand, I'm taking you down to suite 520 to have your memories of that technician removed."  
  
"What? No, I don't want to!" She struggled to get free but Jason held her firm. "You can't possibly--"  
  
"Oh yes I can, and it's for your own good. Maybe you'll return to normal once he's out of your mind, and you won't be such a bother anymore."  
  
"But--"  
  
"No, I won't hear it." He released her and she glared at him. "Now come with me. We've rescued someone and the captain wants you to be the greeter."  
  
"Me? Why me?"  
  
"I don't know. For some odd reason, the captain still thinks you're fine and that you're the best choice to be the first to expose the stranger to our greatness." He turned and marched off. Nirvana reluctantly followed.  
  
They stood in silence in the lift, Jason listening to his ego whisper compliments in his ear, Nirvana scared to death about what Jason was going to let them do to her. She didn't want to forget. It was the only happiness she knew anymore.   
  
She made a pact with herself. Somehow she was going to get out of this. She just had to think of how exactly she would go about that.  
  
Finally the lift reached deck 21, which had been recently converted to a sickbay for any people they managed to rescue. Jason stayed in the lift as she stepped out. Nirvana was glad that he was gone. Maybe she could actually think now.  
  
She heard a muffled, yet angry voice coming from inside the sickbay. The doors swung open and she stepped inside.  
  
Kristine Kochanski gave up on the so-called courtesy button and fixed her eyes on the officer that had just entered the room. "Hi, nice of them to send someone at last," she grumbled, swinging her legs over the side of the bed and standing up. "Now if you don't mind, I'd like to know where the hell I am."  
  
  
  
Rimmer grabbed hold of the doorknob and threw open the door--just in time to see the roof get blown apart. He was thrown forwards and landed on his face in the dirt, skidding to a stop about seven feet away from the front door. He got to his feet and looked up to see who was attacking; the skies were perfectly clear. _Either it's some sort of strange natural occurrence_, thought Rimmer, _or whoever it is has a cloaking device_.  
  
Suddenly he remembered A.J. He ran back to the house as another destructive wave zipped through the cabin, vaporizing the weak structure with one massive stroke. Again he was thrown--backwards, this time--away from what was left of A.J.'s home. Rimmer felt like he was running in slow motion as he tried to reach the cabin in time to save A.J; he was only a few feet away, but it seemed like he would never reach it. Finally he plunged into the splintered remains of the cabin.  
  
"A.J.?" he cried as he lifted parts of what used to be the front wall off the rubble. "Where are you? Answer me!"  
  
A muffled "...over here" came from the direction of the chimney, which was the only structure still intact. Rimmer crawled over the debris and spotted A.J.'s arm sticking out from underneath a small hill of wood, books, and papers. He furiously clawed at the rubble, sweat dripping off his face as he raced to save his other self.  
  
He lifted a dictionary from the pile and A.J.'s face appeared. He had a nasty gash on the right side of his head, but other than that he seemed to be all right. Rimmer thought he'd ask just to be sure.  
  
"A.J., are you all right? Can you move?"  
  
"Yes I think so. And maybe once you get the rest of this stuff off me, I'll be able to resume my tap-dancing lessons."  
  
"Of course. Sorry--" He removed the rest of the debris and helped A.J. to his feet. He was weak, but didn't seem to be too badly hurt.  
  
"I was thrown against the chimney," he said, leaning on Rimmer for support. "Then the second blast threw all of that on top of me." He looked around in a daze, slowly realizing just what was happening. "Someone blew up my house. I can't believe someone has blown up my--"  
  
Another wave of blasts came from above, obliterating A.J.'s 'back yard' and cutting down the stoic chimney at last. The pair began to limp back to the Wildfire when suddenly Rimmer became aware of a frantic voice coming through his communicator.  
  
"Ace, what is HAPPENING?" cried Diane.  
  
"Not sure, old girl, but I've got an injured man here. We're going to have to take him with us."  
  
"What?!" cried A.J. "Leave my research? You must be mad!"  
  
"Shh. You don't know what you're saying."  
  
"Ace, you can't bring him on board. We have no room."  
  
"We'll make some then!" Rimmer barked.  
  
AJ folded his arms. "See, she said I can't go, so leave me be. I don't want to go anyway."  
  
"Maybe it's better if we do leave him here, Ace--"  
  
"There, a sage idea at last."  
  
"Will both of you shut up?!" yelled Rimmer. He propped A.J. up against one of the ship's supports and climbed halfway up the ladder so he could look into the cockpit. He wanted to look Diane in the 'face'.  
  
"Thank God, you're safe," she breathed.  
  
"Not now. What do you mean we don't have room?"  
  
"Look around you. How many seats do you see? One? That's right!"  
  
"But surely there's room in the back?"  
  
"Well, there is the space where the trophies are kept--"  
  
"Perfect, I'll clear those away."  
  
"You can't throw those out! They're souvenirs from past Aces! It would be like throwing out their history."  
  
"Diane, I hardly think the legend needs trophies to prove how great it is. Now come on, open up the hatch."  
  
More explosions tore through the ground, missing the Wildfire by only a few feet. Rimmer jumped down by A.J. to make sure he was still safe, which he was. His mouth movements showed that he was yelling, but his voice was overpowered by the sound of the blasts.  
  
Rimmer shuddered as each explosion ripped through the landscape. For some crazy reason, the destruction seemed almost familiar.  
  
"Ace, what do you want me to do?" Diane cried over the noise. "Do you still want me to open the hatch?"  
  
"No, we don't have time for that. We'll have to go **now**."  
  
"But how--"  
  
"Never mind, I'll explain along the way." He leaned over A.J., who had stopped yelling for the moment. He was fixed in an empty gaze, staring at what remained of his career. It was all gone. All of it.  
  
"A.J., I need you to do something for me."  
  
"They destroyed my house, Ace," he mumbled.  
  
"Who did?"  
  
A.J. turned his head up towards him. "I don't know! Don't you?!"  
  
"Listen, we don't have much time. I'm going to hoist you into the cockpit, and then we're getting out of here."  
  
"But I thought your computer said there was only room for one of us?"  
  
"Very true--if we both try to fit in there."  
  
"What, you're going to stay?! You can't!"  
  
"No, I'm not." He put his hand on A.J.'s shoulder. "I'm going to switch off my image, and you're going to carry my light bee--"  
  
"You're going to what?! Image...light bee...what are you driveling about?"  
  
"A.J., I'm a hologram."  
  
A.J. did a double take. "You--you are? But you can't be, I can touch you. How could I possibly be able to touch you--"  
  
"I'll explain later, all right? Just trust me on this one." He turned to Diane. "And I don't want to hear any retorts from you. We don't have time. As soon as we get into space, jettison the junk back there and then, A.J."--he turned back to him--"you crawl back there and hold on tight. The thrusters on this ship pack quite a punch."  
  
"What about you?"  
  
"Diane, reactivate my image after he's safely back there. Got it?"  
  
She nodded. "Will you please get in now?"  
  
He looked at A.J., who was still in awe. "Don't worry. Everything will be fine. Diane will do all the flying. You just have to sit back and relax." His image flickered off and A.J. caught the light bee in his hand. _What a guy_, he thought.  
  
Within seconds the ship was in the air and gaining speed. A.J. looked down at where is home used to be. He couldn't help but feel like a part of him had died. He hated change, and after living the same life for so long, he couldn't help but be a little frightened. For the first time in his life, things were out of his control. He always had a plan, or at least someone who had planned things for him. Now everything he had known was destroyed in a matter of minutes, and the future seemed incredibly uncertain.  
  
He noticed he was absently rotating the light bee in his hand, and looked down at it.  
  
"Incredible, isn't it?"  
  
His head shot up and he saw the computer for the first time. For once, it was a computer with a lovely face. "Yes. That's just what I was going to say. I'm sorry, Diane was it?"  
  
"That's right. Don't worry," she said with a wink, "I already know who you are." A noise echoed from behind the ship. "There, that's done. Now, look behind you. See that hatch behind the seat?"  
  
He leaned back and peered at the door that existed just inches behind where he was sitting. "Yes, I see it."  
  
"Open the door and get back there."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Just go!"  
  
He began to squeeze back when suddenly the seat lurched forward. "See, it's adjustable," said Diane. "Go on, almost there."  
  
A.J. opened the hatch and climbed into the small space. Suddenly he heard his--or rather, Ace's--voice echo through the intercom.  
  
"A.J., how's your head?"  
  
A.J. realized he was feeling a bit woozy, but shook it off. "It's fine, I think."  
  
"Well hang on. We're going to DJ."  
  
"What?"  
  
"We're going to jump to a different dimension."  
  
"Oh." A.J. covered his head and tried not to think about the imminent death that would surely come with this insane venture. Suddenly the pressure increased to tenfold what it was, and A.J. held on for dear life.  
  
  
  
The Usurper followed the Wildfire's. Gambran was screaming with rage at tactical for missing their targets.  
  
"You could have spit on them, you were so close! How could you miss?"  
  
The bewildered officers opened their mouths to reply, but Gambran waved them off. His patience was completely gone, and the last thing he needed to hear right now was excuses. Instead he turned to the monitor.  
  
"Ensign, don't let that ship out of your sight! Reestablish the grapling link. We're not letting him get away again. It just won't happen."  
  
"Grapling link secure, sir. Do you think we should prepare for another jolt like we experienced before?"  
  
Gambran chuckled. "My dear boy, I hardly think Mr. Rimmer would be stupid enough to try that on us again. No, I'm sure he'll try and out run us and out-maneuver us this time. Trust me, there won't be another j---"  
  
The ship shot forward, sending the crew flying in a replay of the earlier events. Gambran tried to punch his chair in anger but he couldn't lift his hand; the pressure was once again fixing him to the floor.  
  
"Will someone please tell me what the hell this is?" he hollered, but no one had an answer to give him. Everyone stared at the screen, hoping to make it through again as they had last time. No one was about to pass out this time; they were all too curious to let that happen.  
  
Gambran observed the events with awe. He wondered what kind of a weapon could produce such speed and power. The white light filled the room and reality ceased to exist anymore. Gambran didn't notice; he was too busy formulating a plan that would bring the weapon into Timlar control. If he couldn't defeat the enemy, perhaps this was the next best thing.  



	9. Chapter Nine

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Nine   
  
A.J. slowly became aware of a sharp pain warping through his left arm. He opened his eyes and waited for them to adjust to the dimness of the room. The wooziness he had felt before had grown worse, as the room began to swim ever so slowly. A.J. moaned and decided to politely decline any future chances of experiencing a dimension jump again.  
  
His eyes finally began to make out the shapes of the few remaining objects in the room; a rope on the wall, the intercom, a vent in the corner. He turned and looked at his arm, but it was still too dark to be able to tell exactly what was wrong. Maybe that was just as well, he told himself, and leaned back against the wall.  
  
Suddenly the lights blinked on, and A.J. shielded his eyes, waiting for them to readjust yet again. He put his weight down on his arm and yelped in pain. Suddenly he hoped his eyes would take their time in adjusting to the light. They didn't, though; within seconds he could see just fine. He looked down.  
  
Well at least it wasn't bleeding much, he told himself. A.J. hated the sight of blood. His arm did look quite pale, however, and that was discomforting enough. Suddenly his heart leapt into his throat, and the wooziness increased.  
  
He tried to tell himself otherwise, but he couldn't shake the feeling that it wasn't normal for his elbow to be on the inside of his arm.  
  
"A.J., are you all right?"  
  
He kept staring at his impossibly twisted arm. "More or less," he managed to say. "How are you?"  
  
"I'm fine. I'll let you know what's going on as soon as I figure it out myself. It won't be long." Rimmer switched off the intercom. "--I hope," he muttered. "Where are we, Diane?"  
  
"You're not going to believe this, but we're back in your own dimension."  
  
"Really?" He looked out the window, looking for something that would confirm that he was really back, but saw only space, as usual. Not exactly bonifide proof that Diane was right. "Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes. Everything checks out."  
  
"But how?"  
  
"Well don't ask me! I'm as surprised as you are. I have no idea how it happened."  
  
Rimmer slowly rolled his head in her direction. "You were too busy staring at me again, weren't you."  
  
"Guilty as charged."  
  
"Diane, we really have to talk about this problem of yours--"  
  
"Wait, I've detected a ship. It's right ahead of us. You should be able to see it--now."  
  
Rimmer looked up and squinted at the pinpoint up ahead. Probably some derelict or something, he thought, and shrugged it off. But something made him look back again. As it got closer and closer, it became obvious what ship lie ahead of him.  
  
It was Red Dwarf.  
  
He couldn't help but stare. It had been such a long time since he had seen it, and he took it in like he had done when he first saw it in the space port all those years ago. It wasn't a striking ship in any sort of way, but for some odd reason, the rusty red hull and menacing structures sticking out all over seemed the most welcome sight he had seen in a long time. For the first time in ages, he felt like himself again.  
  
Diane put on her most innocent face and chirped, "Oh look, it's your old ship!"  
  
"Yes, thank you, I'm glad you were able to state the obvious." He tapped his chair. "So what?"  
  
"So, now you can check up on your friends, like you wanted to."  
  
"Well as much as I'd LOVE to see them," he said, the sarcasm dripping from his lips, "they're not on board, remember? They're off on Starbug somewhere, searching for it."  
  
"But I detect lifesigns!"  
  
"Yes, probably from whoever it was that took it. How many are there?"  
  
"Two--a human and a humanoid. I'm also detecting a mechanoid. Coincidence? I think not."  
  
Rimmer looked at the Dwarf again. "So they *are* on board," he said quietly. He suddenly felt sad. They found it without him. Somehow he felt he should have been there with them.  
  
"So? Are you going to see them are not?"  
  
Rimmer decided to try a different approach. "Diane, we don't have time for that. We need to get A.J. some help. I don't like the look of the gash on his head."  
  
"Well why don't we use the medi-unit on Red Dwarf?"  
  
"We can't do that!"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because we...I could never...I'm not...,"--he pounded his fist on the console. "We just can't. All right?"  
  
"But what if he's really hurt? We can't just go sweeping around deep space trying to find a different ship with a different medi-unit! I'm sorry, Ace. We've got to use it. What do you say?"  
  
He stared at the ship again and tried to come up with a better excuse, but his mind refused to help him in this matter. He hated when that happened.  
  
"Fine," he said at last. "But keep it quiet. Teleport us directly into the medi-unit, and keep the Wildfire out of sight. I don't want them to know we're here."  
  
"Whatever you say, Ace. But what if they're monitoring their sensors?"  
  
"Please. Knowing those modos, the last thing they'd do is show some competence. With any luck, we can get in and leave again without any of them bothering us. Oh, and make a distraction for Holly, just in case she might actually do something right for once and alert the others."  
  
He switched the intercom on. "A.J.? We're going to beam down to the ship up ahead and get you some help. Hang on."  
  
A.J. nodded and smoothed back into his crumpled position. The pain was all but consuming him, and this was the only way he could sit and be somewhat comfortable. He looked at the rope with longing. If he didn't get painkiller soon, he was going to figure out some way to kill himself.  
  
  
  
Lister clumped blindly down the corridor, unable to see above the large pile of suits he was carrying. He didn't even know if he was in the right place or not.  
  
"Cat, y'there?"  
  
"Yeah," came a faint voice from somewhere in front of him. "Over here."  
  
Lister took a few more cautious steps and decided it was close enough; he threw the suits on the floor--about ten feet away from where he was supposed to be. Cat was by his side in a split second.  
  
"What are you doin' to my suits? This velvet does not need to be crushed!"  
  
"Cat, how many smeggin' suits do you have?"  
  
"Only as many as I need! About 2000 or so. Now c'mon, get these suits over by the others."  
  
"Cat, I am not carrying any more clothes anywhere. We've been doin' this for over four hours! No correction, *I've* been doing this--you just sat there and watched."  
  
"Hey, you should feel blessed. I'm letting you touch my clothes! What more do you want?"  
  
"I don't mean to interrupt," Holly said as he appeared on the monitor, "but something's just teleported into the medi-unit."  
  
"Yeah? What is it?"  
  
"I dunno."  
  
"Didn't you look?"  
  
"What, and ruin the surprise?"  
  
Lister rolled his eyes. "Never mind, I'll go. At least it won't involve any clothes transportation."  
  
"What about my suits?" cried Cat. "You can't just leave `em here. Are you seriously tellin' me you'd rather find out what's out there instead of being allowed to touch my clothes AND hang them up?"  
  
"Look, either finish movin' `em yourself, or get Kryten to help ya. Hol, meet me in the medi-unit."  
  
Cat watched him go. "Man, some people just don't have their priorities straight," he declared, and slinked off to find Kryten.  
  
  
  
Holly shot through the ship with confidence; he didn't even think he'd have to stop and ask a skutter for directions this time. A millisecond away from the medi-unit, something caught his eye. He stopped and looked out a window. A large yellow 'T' was blazing in the darkness of space. It shone brighter than any star in the sky, proudly proclaiming the grandeur of the twentieth letter of the alphabet.  
  
"T," said Holly. "Not my first pick for such a lavish display of alphabet strength, but not a bad choice either, I suppose."  
  
Suddenly a large 'H' appeared. Then an 'I'.  
  
"What, there's more? I would've thought 'T' said it all."  
  
Now an 'S' came. "This?"  
  
'I'  
  
'S'  
  
"This is? This is strange, if you ask me."  
  
'A'  
  
"Ah, back to basics again."  
  
'D'  
  
"Maybe not."  
  
'I'  
  
'S'  
  
"A disappointment? I'll say. You should have stopped with 'T'"  
  
'T'  
  
'R'  
  
'A'  
  
'C'  
  
'T'  
  
'I'  
  
'O'  
  
'N'  
  
Holly's face fell. "Oh."  
  
  
  
Lister rounded the last corner before the medi-unit when a blood-curdling roar cut through the air. He heard boots clumping towards him and ducked back behind the corner, cursing himself for not taking that bazookoid he had passed on the way. Slowly, he peered around the corner. A silver blur raced back into the room, and Lister pulled back out of sight. What to do next?  
  
**Crrrkkkkk!**  
  
The sound sent chills down Lister's spine, as another painful cry from whatever it was in the room changed Lister's mind about waiting for Kryten to come. He had to either go in there and face it, or leg it back to the others.  
  
**Crrrkkkkk!** "yerRRRrrrgh!!!!!"  
  
Option two was looking better and better.  
  
Lister tried to calm down, but it wasn't working. After all the weird things he had come across in the past, his imagination was running wild with possible outcomes, filling his mind with horrific images as it tried to decide what was going on in there. He was so preoccupied with worry that he didn't realize that the screaming had stopped.  
  
Lister strained his ears to hear --nothing. Absolute silence. _Perhaps whatever it was left_ ? his mind suggested with hope. He began to lean around the corner again.  
  
"Are we done now?"  
  
The unexpected voice sent Lister reeling backwards. He picked himself off the floor as quickly as he could, and listened in again.  
  
"How am I supposed to concentrate with you screaming in my ear? Sit still."  
  
Lister cracked a smile. He knew that voice. But it couldn't possibly be--  
  
The boots clumped towards him again. No time to run. Lister stood up to face whatever it was that was coming. He emerged from his hiding place--  
  
--and smacked right into a brick wall, or at least what felt like a brick wall, and found himself on the floor again. He put on a brave front, and looked up.  
  
Somehow he managed to keep his eyes from popping out. Just.  
  
"Rimmer?!"  
  
Rimmer looked back at him. "Lister, do you mind, I'm in a hurry!" He jumped up and rushed down the corridor. Lister ran after him.  
  
"Rimmer, is it really you?"  
  
"Yes of course it is. Who else would I be?"  
  
"I just can't believe it! What are y'doin' here?"  
  
"Don't worry, I won't be here long."  
  
"Rimmer, stop." He put his hand on Rimmer's shoulder when Rimmer refused to slow down. They stood in silence for a moment.  
  
"Well?!" asked Rimmer at last.  
  
"No, sorry, I just, it's been so...," He smiled and looked down. "It's good to see ya."  
  
Rimmer was surprised to discover that he was smiling as well. "Yeah."  
  
Both of them suddenly cleared their throats, realizing that they had both just admitted to being happy to see each other. It was a very new concept and neither was sure if they were completely comfortable with it.  
  
Rimmer started to walk again. "So, you found Red Dwarf."  
  
"Yeah. You'd never believe where it was all this time either."  
  
"Where was it?"  
  
"In my dirty sock basket."  
  
Rimmer did a triple take. "Did you just say what I think you said?!"  
  
"Don't worry. I'll explain it all later." They walked in silence. Both of their minds zoomed with questions they were dying to ask, but neither of them wanted to be the one to start the conversation. The small talk continued.  
  
"Is Holly fully operational again?"  
  
"Yeah--well, at least his memory's as good as it was when we last saw him." They both smirked.  
  
"So you never said--why are you here?"  
  
Rimmer's pace quickened. "Smeg, I almost forgot."  
  
"Forgot what?"  
  
"Where's Kryten? He might be able to help."  
  
"Help with what?" They were both running now. "Rimmer, what the smeg is goin' on?"  
  
They entered the next hallway and came upon Kryten and Cat, both of whom jumped up and sped towards them when they saw  
  
"Ace! Buddy, what are you doin' here?" Cat offered his hand and Rimmer answered with a firm shake.  
  
"Bit of a mystery, Cat old friend," he replied in a perfect Ace voice. "Afraid there was a miscalculation of some sort and I wound up here instead of the intended destination. Just thought I'd pop by as long as I was in the area, see how you chaps were holding up."  
  
"Welcome back, Mr. Ace sir," said Kryten, offering his hand as well. "Is there anything I can get for you?"  
  
"Kryters, are there any more medical supplies other than the ones in the medi-unit?"  
  
"Yes sir, there are some on A deck. I'll get them at once." Kryten turned to go and Rimmer leaned back to Lister.  
  
"You didn't tell them?" he asked through his teeth.  
  
"I thought you didn't want them t'know," Lister whispered back. "They still think *you're* the one that was killed."  
  
Rimmer turned back to Cat, who was still grinning madly. "What about me? Anything I can do?"  
  
"But cats don't do the 'w' word."  
  
"Hey, normally I wouldn't offer, but for you, it's different."  
  
"Thanks Cat, but you've got suits to put away. You can't let that velvet get crushed, right?" He slapped Cat's back and turned down the next corridor with Lister close behind. Cat looked at his suits, then looked at where Ace had just gone. He went into turbo and had all the remaining suits hanging in a matter of minutes, then slinked off to try and catch up with them.   
  
  
  
A glass tube shattered on the floor of the medi-unit as A.J. stumbled out the door. At least his arm was untwisted, but now his head had decided to start getting weird. He had awoke to the sound of saws being played like violins, and when he sat up he saw a small bearded apple sitting at the foot of his bed. The apple wanted a cigar and told A.J. that if he didn't find one soon, the tiles would go on strike. A.J. certainly didn't want that to happen.  
  
He couldn't wait for Ace to return with whatever it was he was going to give him. Thousands of tiles were counting on him, and he wasn't going to let them down. He would find that cigar if it was the last thing he'd ever do.  



	10. Chapter Ten

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Ten   
  
Lord Gambran was beside himself with anger. Just as the white light dissipated, the grappling link failed, and the Usurper was slingshot away from the Wildfire just as it was about to overcome it. By the time they were able to regain control, they had lost all traces of the enemy ship. The Timlar high command still wasn't responding on any channel, and now to top things off, their cloak was faltering. He was ready to tear his head off and use it as a bowling ball.  
  
For now, all he could do was wait, something that Gambran loathed and detested with every ounce of his being. He had to sit and wait until his crew came up with something--anything!--that would explain what the hell was going on, and more importantly, how they could manipulate it.  
  
But first he had to wait.  
  
The manic murmuring of the bridge crew was slowly driving him insane. Wasting their energy on research instead of in battle; it was sickening. What were they doing? he asked himself. Timlars live for the fight, not the strategy! There wasn't a need for such planning and preparation. What the high command would think if they saw this crew; they would banish them all.  
  
The crew seemed to sense Gambran's impatient stare, and quickened their pace. Gambran clawed at his chair, struggling to maintain control of his temper. He would need it for the battle, if there was one, and he wasn't about to waste it on the crew.  
  
Still, it was quite tempting. He began to wonder how far he could throw his first officer.  
  
Finally the ensign swiveled around. "Sir, I think I've discovered what the enemy's weapon is."  
  
In his most calm and even voice, Gambran asked, "And what is that?"  
  
"The computer believes that we are in a different dimension."  
  
"And why does it think that?"  
  
"Well, first I correlated--"  
  
Gambran put up his hand. "No. I don't want to hear the damn research results. Let's just take the computer's word for it." He stood up and stroked his goatee as he began to consider their situation. "So what you're saying is that the Wildfire is equipped with some sort of drive that can traverse dimensions?"  
  
"Apparently, sir. That would explain why we can't establish contact with T.I. or the high command. They're back home, in our dimension."  
  
"And that's the jolt we felt before. Incredible." He turned around to face the crew. "Just think of what we could do with a device like that! The Timlar Empire could move beyond our dimension and spread throughout others! We have to capture it."  
  
"But how sir? We've lost all traces of his ship."  
  
"Well, there can't be that many holograms around. Narrow your search and find him."  
  
"Already have done, sir. I've got a definite lock on something. It's too early to tell if it's him or not, but at least it's a start."  
  
Gambran grinned at him. "Impressive, ensign. Very impressive. Set a course and get us there now. We might still have a chance at this."  
  
  
  
Nirvana handed Kochanski a cup of tea, which Kochanski readily accepted. "Thank you. I'm...sorry I acted so rudely before. I've just been through a terrible ordeal." She shook her head as she remembered, then looked back at Nirvana. "I'm sorry, what was your name?"  
  
"Flight Coordinator Crane," she replied as she shook her hand, "but there's no need to be so formal. Call me Nirvana."  
  
"I'm Kris, Navigation Officer Kochanski if you need to know the rest." She took a sip of her tea. "Now could you please tell me where I am? Whoever is supposed to answer this courtesy button has taken a leave of absence."  
  
"You're onboard the SSS Enlightenment."  
  
Kochanski nearly spit out her tea in surprise. "The Enlightenment? The hologram ship? But that's impossible! How am I possibly able to board a ship composed entirely of light?"  
  
"We have recently developed a hard-light drive. When we came across your ship, we switched to hard-light to rescue you."  
  
"Incredible. So I'm the first non-hologram to step aboard the famous Enlightenment?"  
  
"For what it's worth", she mumbled, and looked at the report on their guest.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Never mind. We have your ship in our maintenance bay and are repairing it as we speak. You'll be back home in no time."  
  
Kochanski looked down. "I sincerely doubt it."  
  
Nirvana sensed something was wrong but decided not to pry. "I'm not sure how much food we have onboard. We have only come across one derelict with real food supplies so our quantities are extremely limited. Still, I'm sure we could find something, if you're hungry."  
  
"Yes, anything, just get me out of this room."  
  
"I'll have someone bring it to my quarters. We can dine in there." She entered the request into Stocky and opened the doors. "If you'll follow me, please."  
  
They walked back to the lift in silence. Nirvana was still preoccupied with Jason's threat, and Kochanski was trying not to let her grief overcome her senses. Both women caught each other's eye every now and again, seeing the sadness hiding behind the dignified officer exterior, but both figured that the other wouldn't understand, or at least wouldn't care. Both faces stared at the ground as they walked, preferring to study the plainness of the floor instead of trying to make small talk.  
  
It wasn't until they reached the lift that either of them noticed the world around them; the doors opened to reveal Jason standing proudly, like he had just accomplished something earth-shattering. His smug smile brought them out of their trance. Paying no heed to Kochanski, he immediately turned on Nirvana, greeting her with a grave look.  
  
"1800, commander" he hissed. "If you don't come on your own, I have orders to escort you there myself."  
  
Nirvana ignored him (or at least tried to look like she was), and Jason turned his attention to Kochanski. "Ah, the stranger. Enjoying your stay on the magnificent Enlightenment?"  
  
"Yes, I suppose so."  
  
"I bet you can't believe your good fortune. Becoming the first non-hologram ever to walk among the greatest officers in the Space Corps. I hope you don't feel too inferior, surrounded by such greatness." The lift doors opened. "If you'll excuse me." He gave Nirvana another look, and slipped out.  
  
Kochanski turned to Nirvana. "Did I miss something?"  
  
"No. But you'll probably wish you had." The lift doors opened on her floor, and Nirvana led Kochanski out.  
  
  
  
The sensors picked up the ship from quite a distance, but the ensign could already tell it wasn't what they were looking for. It was far too vast to be the Wildfire, and the frequency didn't match exactly. He tried to think of the best way of breaking the bad news to his leader, but decided to let him discover it for himself.  
  
It didn't take long.  
  
"That's NOT the Wildfire," Gambran grumbled from behind him. "What the hell is that thing?"  
  
"I'm checking that now, sir." He punched it up and let out a surprised chuckle.  
  
"Ensign?"  
  
"Sorry, sir, but this is just--it's incredible. I've never seen anything like it."  
  
"Well?"  
  
"That is the SSS Enlightenment, sir, and it is the source of the hologram signal our sensors locked onto. It seems that both the ship and crew are completely computer generated."  
  
Gambran's eyebrows raised slightly. "All holograms, eh? This dimension is getting more and more interesting. Any sign of the Wildfire?"  
  
"No, and I don't think our sensors are going to be able to detect a lone hologram signal with such a strong signal in the area."  
  
"So we can't find him."  
  
"I'm afraid not, sir." He braced himself for the inevitable tantrum that Gambran would throw, but none came. He turned around, half expecting to see Gambran lying on the floor unconscious. Instead, Gambran stared back at him with an unsettling, evil grin.  
  
"Sir? Is something wrong?"  
  
"No not at all, ensign. I was just thinking. If we're unable to find Mr. Rimmer ourselves, maybe there's a way to bring Mr. Rimmer to _us_."  



	11. Chapter Eleven

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Eleven   
  
"And then what happened?"  
  
"Well by then the ship was about to be pulled into the rift, and those plans were still on board. I knew I couldn't let them be destroyed; without that machine, the atmosphere over their planet would have become unbreathable. They were all counting on me, and I wasn't about to let them down. The crew tried to tell me to forget about it, but I ordered them to get the hell off the ship before it was too late. It wasn't their time to die.  
  
"After they launched, I raced back to the bridge to download the plans. Halfway there, the hull began to rupture as the stern began to be sucked into the rift. The ship began to tilt and soon I found myself running uphill, trying to avoid exploding monitors and short-circuiting wires."  
  
Cat and Kryten sat wide-eyed as Ace told them the story. "Did you make it?"  
  
"Of course I did, old garden mower. It's hard to stop a man with a mission. When I finally reached the bridge, the ship snapped in two. I was thrown forwards--right in front of the plans. I reached out for them, when suddenly the ship rose sharply. I had to climb up the floor to get back to those plans. And that's when the power went out."  
  
"No power? How did you possibly get off the ship, sir?"  
  
"Well I couldn't get to the escape pods, since that part of the ship had already been pulled into the rift. And I couldn't hail my ship to teleport me off the bridge because my communicator was down. So I did what anyone else would have done in my place."  
  
Everyone was on the edge of their seats, and all asked in unison: "WHAT?"  
  
"I assembled a crude space suit, cut the cabin pressure, hot-wired the self-destruct program, and strapped myself into the captain's chair. The drop in pressure blew an opening in front of me, the explosion rocketed me to safety. Of course I couldn't control the chair at all, which put a nasty part in my hair, but I got an excellent view of the rift as I sped away to safety. My ship picked me up, I returned the plans, and that, as they say, is that."  
  
"Absolutely incredible, sir. That's even more amazing than your last story."  
  
"Please. All in a day's work."  
  
Kryten stood up. "Well as much as I'd like to hear more, I'm afraid I've got some laundry to take out of the dryer."  
  
"Yeah, and I have to apply that hot oil treatment to my hair," said Cat. "It just isn't workin' today." They both left the room, and Rimmer sat down on his old bunk.  
  
"Well you've certainly got them convinced," said Lister from above him.  
  
"You think so? I wasn't sure."  
  
"Yeah, you had `em eating out of your hand, man." He hopped down from his bunk and gave Rimmer a frank look. "So what REALLY happened."  
  
Rimmer was busy looking over his old stuff. "Hmm?"  
  
"Come on, you can tell me. It's all right, I won't let anyone know."  
  
He turned slowly towards Lister. "What are you driveling about?"  
  
"You know, why you're really back here. Things didn't go well, did they? You blew up the ship instead of savin' it or somethin', right?"  
  
"You don't believe me," he said flatly.  
  
"Well I'm sorry, but it's kinda hard to picture YOU acting all heroic an' stuff."  
  
Rimmer was dumfounded. "You really don't believe I did all that, do you?"  
  
"Well no offense man, really! It's okay to admit you failed. No one expects you to be perfect, especially not me."  
  
"I don't believe this!" His voice was a perfect blend of anger, sadness, and frustration. "You really can't accept that I actually succeeded as Ace."  
  
"Rimmer, will you calm down? It's no big deal."  
  
"No big deal? Lister, this is my destiny we're talking about. I'll have you know that everything I said is absolutely true."  
  
"Oh yeah? Then why are you here?"  
  
"Well it's not because I was a hideous failure and I wanted some sympathy from you if that's what you think, and obviously it is. I told you, I don't know how I ended up back here."  
  
"Then why were you in the medi-unit? What's with the secrecy and the noise?"   
  
Suddenly Cat rushed in. "Hey, look who I found!" Lister and Rimmer exchanged confused looks as Cat dashed out again, only to reappear a few moments later, leading a very weary A.J. into the room.  
  
Lister's jaw dropped. "Who the smeg is that?"  
  
"You dummy, who's it look like? It's goal-post head!" He looked him up and down to confirm it. "I guess he didn't die like we thought!"  



	12. Chapter Twelve

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Twelve   
  
Rimmer helped A.J. sit down as Cat continued to talk up a storm in excitement.  
  
"So much has happened since you left, bud! Officer B.B. was here, and freak-face exploded, Lister lost his arm, and those nano-dudes put the ship back together--"  
  
"Are you the lemonade man?" A.J. asked him in a shaky voice.  
  
"No, I'm Cat, remember? How could you forget me? I'm living proof of perfection!"  
  
A.J. looked disappointed. "So you're not the lemonade man?"  
  
"I just told you, I'm Cat." He turned to Lister. "My perfection must be too much to take."  
  
"Rimmer, who the smeg is this?"  
  
"No, that's Ace, dummy. THIS," Cat pointed at A.J., "is Rimmer. I guess my perfection's affectin' YOU now. It's not surprisin'."  
  
Rimmer reached over and grabbed the syringe gun Kryten had brought down. "A.J., I told you not to leave the medi-unit."  
  
"What, you too?" asked Cat, and got out his hand mirror. "I have to use that hot oil stuff more often!"  
  
"This will make you feel better." Rimmer injected the yellow liquid into A.J.'s arm.  
  
"But I have to find the lemonade man!" A.J. protested. "He's the only one who can tell me where the cigar is." He tried to get up but Rimmer forced him back down.  
  
"Just sit still. You'll be fine in a minute."  
  
Kryten marched in carrying a pile of neatly folded laundry. He caught sight of A.J. and almost dropped it.  
  
"Mr. Rimmer sir?! Is that really you?"  
  
Cat frowned. "I guess it doesn't work on everybody."  
  
"Rimmer, who the smeg is this?" Lister asked again.  
  
"But we thought you were destroyed, sir. What happened? Where have you been all this time?"  
  
"He wasn't destroyed," Lister turned to Ace, "were you, Rimmer?"  
  
"But sir, that's Mr. Ace, you know that. Mr. Rimmer is over here."  
  
Now Holly appeared on the monitor. "All right dudes."  
  
"Hol, where've you been?"  
  
"Sorry, got distracted." He looked at Ace. "Oy, when did you become a hologram?"  
  
"Holly, check your sensors, they must be malfunctioning," said Kryten.  
  
A.J. looked up at Kryten. "Are *you* the lemonade man?" he asked hopefully.  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"Will everyone shut up!" Rimmer yelled at last. The room fell silent, and all eyes were on him. "You're all right, in a way." He looked at A.J. "Well, except for the lemonade man thing, but your head should clear in a minute or two." He sat down, and everyone followed suit.  
  
"Now bear with me for a few minutes. I've got a long and complicated story to tell." He looked at Lister, who nodded for him to go ahead, and Rimmer began the explanations.  
  
  
  
(time passes...)  
  
Cat was beginning to feel that he'd need an instruction manual to make sense of everything he'd just heard. "So let me see if I got this straight. This guy," he pointed at Rimmer, "who looks like Ace, is actually Rimmer."  
  
Lister and Rimmer nodded. "Yup."  
  
"And even though he looks, sounds, and acts just like Ace, he's actually Ace's replacement and not the real Ace, right?" Another nod, another "yup."  
  
"And this dude," he pointed at A.J., "who looks like Rimmer, is actually a different Rimmer from a different dimension, who has nothin' to do with Ace whatsoever."  
  
"Yeah, sounds like you got it, Cat."  
  
Cat stood up and headed for the door. "Maybe if I don't think about it, it'll either make sense or go away." He shook his head and walked out.  
  
"So that was actually another replacement's light bee that we sent off, and not Mr. Rimmer's?" asked Kryten.  
  
Lister nodded. "Right. We had to make it look like Rimmer had died so that he could assume the role."  
  
"Oy, when did all this happen? I don't remember any of it."  
  
"You weren't there, Hol. Don't worry about it."  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Figures I suppose. Something interesting happens for once and I'm not around to see it."  
  
"What d'you mean, for once? Weird stuff happens to us all the time."  
  
Holly thought for a minute. "Oh right. Forgot about that."  
  
A.J. leaned over to Rimmer and asked, "Is he always like that?"  
  
"No. Usually he's worse." He gestured to A.J.'s arm. "How is it?"  
  
"I'll be fine, as long as you don't have to twist the bones again."  
  
Lister looked at the arm, then at Rimmer, then finished with an unconvinced look at A.J. "HE fixed your arm?"  
  
"Mm-hmm. It was completely twisted around. He had to grab it and snap it back into place. It wasn't all together a pleasant experience." Now he studied Lister's face. "You look familiar to me somehow. I don't know where I would know you from, unless..."  
  
"What? Unless what?"  
  
"Of course! The forum on Irwin Rommel I hosted in San Francisco. We had a stop-over in Fiji, and I went to a hot dog and doughnut stand."  
  
"Get outta town," said Lister with a huge grin.  
  
"You even guessed my favorite kind of doughnut. Needless to say I gave you quite a tip."  
  
Lister nudged Rimmer's shoulder. "Hear that Rimmer? A tip. People appreciate those."  
  
"Yes they do, Lister, and here's one for you: smeg off."  
  
"It's so cool, man, I really made it to Fiji! Good for him." He slugged A.J. on the arm--the bad arm--and A.J. yelped in pain.  
  
"Hmm. Sounds like that arm still needs some mending, sir." Kryten gently examined it and nodded. "I think I'll take you back to the medi-unit for more tests."  
  
"I already ran them, Kryten. I think the problem lies in..."  
  
Lister gave up on trying to follow the conversation that was taking place. He didn't know what half the words meant, and judging by A.J.'s worried expression, neither did he. Rimmer certainly seemed to know what he was talking about though. Lister was terribly confused. Could it be true? Could Rimmer have actually succeeded as Ace? Normally he would have laughed his head off at such a thought, but seeing him now...  
  
Of course, it could be an act, he reminded himself. He wouldn't put it past him; he knew how incredibly weasly Rimmer could be if he wanted to. Rimmer certainly could be making all of this up to hide what was really going on. Maybe A.J. was in on it too. Some big lie to make Rimmer look good.  
  
Then why is Kryten going along with it? asked the voice of reason. Lister didn't know.  
  
"I think you're right, sir," he heard Kryten say, and Lister watched him lead A.J. out the door. He turned to Rimmer. It was time to find out some answers.  



	13. Chapter Thirteen

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Thirteen   
  
Lister put on his best "I'm not buying it" look and folded his arms. "All right Rimmer, what's going on?"  
  
"With what?"  
  
"You really fixed his arm?"  
  
"Yes Lister, I really fixed his arm. Is that so hard to believe?"  
  
"Well quite frankly, yeah. I mean, where'd you learn how t'do all that stuff?"  
  
"What stuff?"  
  
"Medical-type stuff. How'd you know how to fix his arm?"  
  
"Well I can't take complete credit. Diane talked me through most of it."  
  
Lister shook his head, not understanding. "Diane?"  
  
"The computer onboard the Wildfire. I've got a communicator in my collar in case I need her."  
  
"Diane, eh?" asked Holly from behind them. He was dying for a bit of company, and now was as good a time as any. "Lovely name for a computer. Think I'll pop down and see if she needs any help."  
  
"With what?"  
  
"I dunno, computerish stuff I guess. Things only computers understand or talk about." Holly nodded and promptly blinked off the screen before any more questions could be asked.  
  
"Poor Holly," Rimmer said after Holly left. "He's going to get his heart broken." He noticed Lister was staring at him. "Lister, do you think you can manage to put your own eyeballs back in or would you like some help?"  
  
"Sorry man, I'm just so...confused."  
  
"Confused? About what?"  
  
"About you. I mean, look at you! You seem so different!"  
  
Rimmer looked himself over, trying to see exactly what Lister meant. "Well of course I look different, gimboid. I'm dressed like Ace. This isn't even my hair, in case you didn't know."  
  
"No, it's not just your appearance, it's you all together. You're so confident, so sure of yourself. In fact, you actually seem competent!"  
  
Rimmer glared at him. "Well thank you for your vote of confidence."  
  
"Look man. We've known each other for how long now, and in all that time, I've never, EVER seen you like this. Maybe once in a while, ok, but to see you actin' so caring? So responsible? I'm sorry, it's just hard to believe you've changed so much. You're different."  
  
"But I'm NOT, Lister, not really. I'm still _me_, don't you see? I still like Hammond Organ music, I still enjoy the odd game of Risk--by the way, have you seen my Risk journal? It doesn't seem to be here with the rest of my things."  
  
"Erm, let's get back to that."  
  
Rimmer began to pace around the room. "I don't know, Listy. All this adventuring, all this hero business--it's all getting so...so..."  
  
Lister winced, remembering something he had tried to forget. "Samey?"  
  
"Yes! That's exactly it, it's getting samey. I never got used to being Ace, not completely. Yes I did fine, but...oh, I don't know, I just can't shake the feeling that there's something I'm missing, like I'm meant to be doing something else." He spotted something from the corner of his eye, and walked to the wall.  
  
"Rimmer, you heard what Ace told you. It's your destiny. How can your destiny be wrong?"  
  
"Lister? Is this a new picture of you and Kochanski?"  
  
Kryten must have flipped the pictures back around, he thought. "Yeah."  
  
"But how is this possible? Kochanski's been dead for eons."  
  
"Yeah, well, MY Kris has. That's a Kris from a different dimension."  
  
Rimmer looked closer. "You're kidding."  
  
"Nope."  
  
"And she was here? How?"  
  
"We stumbled across a linkway to her dimension and she accidentally got stuck with us."  
  
"So where is she?"  
  
"She left just a few weeks ago. She figured out a way to reestablish the linkway and took Blue Midget to try it out. It disappeared in a flash of light and we haven't seen or heard from her since." Lister looked down, and added quietly, "I guess that means it worked."  
  
Rimmer turned around and faced Lister once more. "But why did she want to leave?"  
  
"She didn't fit in here, man. She treated us like we didn't know what we were doing."  
  
"So what? You don't."  
  
"Yeah, but we don't need to be reminded of the fact every three seconds!" He slumped down on Rimmer's bunk.  
  
"Lister, I hardly think that she'd leave just to get away from your incompetence--although it does make sense now that I think about it..."  
  
"Nah. She left to get back to her Lister."  
  
"HER Lister?"  
  
"Yeah. See in her universe, *she* got put into stasis and *I* was brought back as a hologram. Only difference is, somehow that Lister became incredibly sensitive an' stuff. He actually enjoyed talking about female things. Probably made lace doilies in his spare time too."  
  
"He was really that different from you?"  
  
Lister nodded. "Kochanski had to tell me over and over and over again about how much better 'her Dave' was. Drove me spare."  
  
"And yet?"  
  
"What 'and yet'? There is no 'yet.'"  
  
"Lister, you actually expect me to believe that Kochanski was here, and you hated every minute of it?"  
  
"Well no, not every single minute was bad." He looked Rimmer straight in the eyes. "It was nice seein' her face again, y'know? Bein' with her, even if it wasn't her exactly. At least it was somethin'..."  
  
His voice trailed off as he remembered how Kochanski left. She'd never even told him that she was leaving until just an hour before she planned on going. Even when she did tell him, she sounded reluctant to let him know exactly what was going on. In fact, Lister was quite certain she wanted to leave without telling him at all. That's what hurt the most, no matter how many times he tried to convince himself otherwise. She really didn't care about him, not in the least. Even if there wasn't anything romantic between them, Lister thought she'd at LEAST have felt some sort of friendship there. Now he doubted even that.  
  
He looked back at Rimmer, who actually seemed to be giving him a look of sympathy. Lister shook his head; he was still unconvinced about Rimmer being a success as Ace, but for Rimmer to actually be feeling sorry for him? That was **truly** impossible.  
  
"Lister?"  
  
He waved his hand. "Sorry. Nothin'. Kochanski's gone, an' that's that. End of story."  
  
Now it was Rimmer's turn to give Lister an unconvinced glance. "So there was nothing between you two. Nothing at all."  
  
"No. We were friends, I guess, an' that's all."  
  
"But you said she--"  
  
"Look, can we just drop the conversation? I'm sick of talkin' about it."  
  
"Lister, I'm just trying to help! I know how love can hurt."  
  
"YOU? Rimmer, you were a love celibate, remember? You were the one that always put your career ahead of anything else. You didn't have time to discover what true love really is. How could you possibly know what it's like?"  
  
Rimmer sat down at the table. "Do you remember when I tried to become part of the Enlightenment crew?"  
  
"Yeah. You used a mind patch and it rebelled on ya, but then your opponent dropped out of the contest."  
  
"But I never told you why I came back, did I?"  
  
Lister thought about this for a moment. "No, you didn't. I always thought they found out the truth about you, and that's why you came back." He gave Rimmer a discerning look when he didn't deny it. "What, are you seriously telling me there was a different reason?"  
  
Rimmer looked back with a dreamy look in his eye. "I left because of Nirvana."  
  
  
  
The food smelled delicious, but Kochanski had lost her appetite. At least her headache had finally subsided. Now all that remained was the emptiness that had started to spread throughout her being. She tried to be strong and ignore it, but it just kept coming back. Loneliness. Depression. That foggy void that was slowly swallowing her whole.  
  
She looked over at Nirvana, who had just entered a report into her consol. She seemed so confident, like nothing could ever bother her. Kochanski envied her strength. She used to be like that. Independent and in control. She missed that Kochanski a lot. Looking at Nirvana once more, she was sure she'd never reach that level of self-reliance again.  
  
That's when Nirvana turned and met her gaze.  
  
Kochanski's eyes followed a small, sparkling tear as it made its way down Nirvana's face, slowly slipping over her cheek bone before finally falling to the floor. As it spread into a small pool on the ground, both women decided to forget that they were proper officers for the moment. Now was not the time nor place for rules and regulations.  
  
Kochanski put a supportive arm around Nirvana's shoulders and bent down beside her. "Nirvana, what's wrong?"  
  
Nirvana quickly brushed away the trail that the tear had left, but it was quickly filled by another. "Why, nothing's wrong, Kris. What could possibly be wrong?" Her lip began to quiver, and she buried her face in her hands.  
  
Kochanski led her to her bed and sat down next to her. "It has something to do with that man in the lift, doesn't it?"  
  
Nirvana nodded, still with her face in her hands.  
  
"Is there anything I can do?"  
  
She looked up and wiped her tear-stained eyes as best she could. Kochanski offered her a tissue, and she readily accepted. "Not unless you can get me off this ship somehow."  
  
"What did he do to you?"  
  
"No, it's not what he did, it's what he's _going_ to do." For a moment Kochanski thought she was going to break down again, but Nirvana managed to hang on. "He's going to erase my memory."  
  
"All of it? Whatever for?"  
  
"No not all of it, just my memories of...of..." her voice broke. Nirvana looked down for a moment before continuing. "My memories of _him._"  
  
Kochanski didn't want to believe it quite yet, but she was beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, she had finally found a kindred spirit. Someone who knew what it was like. "Who?"  
  
"He was a technician. Nothing extraordinary about him really, but he was so...so very..."  
  
"Perfect?" offered Kochanski quietly.  
  
"Yes. Somehow he was. He brought me the only happiness I've ever known. Probably the only happiness I'll EVER know. Now Jason--that's the name of the man you met--Jason wants to erase my memories of him. He thinks that my emotions are ruining my career and putting the ship in danger."  
  
"What? That's preposterous. How could your feelings possibly interfere with your duties?"  
  
"You don't understand. On this ship, all that matters is intelligence and rank. Everyone's egos are grossly inflated; everyone is out to beat everyone else. Jason is one of the worst we have. He's so competitive and petty. He's using me to show off to the captain so he can be promoted, you see?" She blinked away more tears. "He doesn't care about my feelings because on this ship, you're not supposed to _have_ feelings. Love isn't even considered to be love--it's a temporary hormonal distraction. I'm the only one on board that's experienced true love first hand." She sighed. "The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that I'll somehow see him again someday. And now Jason wants to take that away from me."  
  
She looked at Kochanski and dabbed her eyes again. "Oh look at me, blubbering like this. I'm sorry, I don't mean to bore you with my problems."  
  
Now Nirvana saw that Kochanski had begun to cry. "Kris, no. What's the matter?"  
  
"Nothing, I just...I know how you feel. I've been separated from my love as well."  
  
Nirvana sat down next to Kochanski. "Really? What happened?"  
  
"I'm not from this dimension, Nirvana," she began. "I got stuck here by accident, and I've been trying to get back there ever since. I finally got a chance to a few weeks ago, so I went in that ship-to-surface vessel to try out my theory." She offered Nirvana a weak smile. "It worked. I was back. I saw the `Dwarf up ahead, and I got hailed by...him. It was so great to see his face again, to hear his voice!"  
  
Nirvana nodded, trying not to cry again. "But something went wrong."  
  
"I was so close." Kochanski pounded her fist into one of the pillows on the bed. "I was so damn close! I was just about to dock inside the ship. Dave was waiting for me on the landing gantry! All I had to do was ease her down and run out to him." She wiped away an angry tear. "Suddenly the vessel was pulled back at incredible speed, like a rubber band being snapped. The ship got farther and farther away, and suddenly I was hurtled back into this dimension. I still don't know what went wrong." She couldn't hold back the tears any more. "I STILL DON'T KNOW!" she cried.  
  
Nirvana cradled her head and rocked her back and forth. This poor woman, she thought. Trying to be so brave when she has to keep this on the inside. Nirvana couldn't help but envy her strength.  
  
At last Kochanski pulled herself together. "Sorry," she said at last in a groggy voice," I didn't mean to get so worked up. I just needed to get that out of my system, I guess."  
  
They looked at each other, sharing a million conversations without saying a word.  
  
Finally, Nirvana seemed to remember something, and gave Kochanski a curious look. "What did you say the name of your ship was?"  
  
"Red Dwarf. And you want to know what else? The crew of the same ship in this dimension rescued me. Every day I had to look at different versions of the same people I knew. Even Dave was different." She stared into space as she remembered. "Still sweet in his own way, but so different from my own."  
  
"You said you were rescued by the crew of the Red Dwarf from this universe?" Her heart leapt as Kochanski nodded. "Please, you have to tell me--was Arnie there?"  
  
"Arnie--?" She thought a moment. "Oh, you mean Rimmer?"  
  
"Yes, was he there?"  
  
"No, he wasn't."  
  
"Well where is he? Do you know?"  
  
"Well no, I--"  
  
"PLEASE, you HAVE to know!"  
  
Kochanski suddenly realized what Nirvana was getting at. "The technician. It was Rimmer, wasn't it."  
  
"Yes. He tried to become part of the Enlightenment crew, but he had to take the challenge and face a crew member, the winner of which would take on the loser's energy to generate themselves. I was the one that Stocky chose, only Arnie didn't know that. After I found out how much he wanted to succeed, how desperately he wanted to do something with his life, I decided to withdraw and let him win."  
  
"You gave up your existence--for Rimmer?!"  
  
She nodded. "He was so wonderfully different from everyone else. All he wanted was to get a chance to be somebody for once. I couldn't deny him that. I would have done anything for him." She noticed a message waiting for her on the consol, but she pressed erase right away. She knew what it was, and she certainly didn't need Jason's snickering right now. She turned back to Kochanski. "I didn't care what happened to me, so I allowed myself to be terminated. Then suddenly I was back. Arnie was gone; he had chosen to let me live instead of fulfilling his dream. All he left me was a note." She gestured to where it lay on the table. "It's all I've got left besides the memories."  
  
Kochanski was speechless. She was both proud and amazed at Rimmer. She looked back at Nirvana and was met with a pair of hopeful eyes.  
  
"Please, tell me where he is."  
  
"Nirvana, I'm sorry, I don't really know. All Lister ever said about him was that he was gone and wasn't coming back." Her heart broke as she watched Nirvana's face drop. Poor thing. "I'm sure he's not dead," she said right away, "I'll bet he just went exploring or something."  
  
Nirvana hardly heard her. She was too busy listening to her world collapsing. She looked at her consol; the light was blinking, indicating another message was waiting. The grief and shock were almost too much to bear, and right now, she was beginning to welcome the idea of getting her memory erased.  
  
That's when the blast hit the ship.  
  
  
  
"So what are you sayin' to me, Rimmer? She gave up everything--for YOU?"  
  
"Everything. Her career, her accomplishments-her very existence!--everything, just so I could be happy. No one had ever done something like that for me before." He looked straight at Lister. "She actually cared. For the first time ever, someone actually _cared_."  
  
"So you gave up your position there so that she could be reactivated, right?"  
  
"I never would have been able to live with myself if I hadn't."  
  
"Wait a minute. What about your deep belief that no one in the universe would ever choose love over a career opportunity? I thought you swore by that."  
  
"I guess I was wrong." He looked down. "At least in this case I was."  
  
"And you haven't seen or heard from her since?"  
  
Rimmer shook his head.  
  
"Wow."  
  
Rimmer got up to leave. "I'd better check on A.J. Make sure that idiot droid hasn't messed it up." He started for the door.  
  
"Erm, one more thing, before y'go."  
  
He turned around to see Lister sporting a sly grin. "What's that?"  
  
"You said you were a success as Ace, right?" Rimmer nodded. "Well I was just wondering uh, were you a complete success...y'know?"  
  
Rimmer answered with his own sly grin. "Let's just say this, Listy. There's a lot more hashmarks on the old score card now."  
  
Lister paused for a moment after Rimmer left, then slowly followed him out the door. _Since I'm going to the medi-unit anyway_, he thought, _maybe I can get my head examined._  
  



	14. Chapter Fourteen (yeah, lots of chapters...

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Fourteen   
  
Kryten's neck hinges had begun to steam from stress. He felt like he was needed in one hundred different places at the same time. Mr. Rimmer was back and need attention, the rest of the crew would need support, there was a sick man in the medi-unit, the skutters were in the middle of their negotiations, and worst of all, the laundry still wasn't finished. He simply didn't know where to begin.  
  
Passing a porthole, he saw the brilliant yellow message that still shone outside. "This is a distraction," he read aloud. "Well that's just great. Like I don't have enough to worry about as it is, now someone is trying to distract me! I'm sorry, I simply don't have time for this."  
  
He marched down the hallway and almost ran over Lister as he went into the next corridor.  
  
"Where's the fire, Kryts?"  
  
"Sorry sir, I almost didn't see you there."  
  
"It's all right. I'm just on my way to the medi-unit."  
  
Kryten walked with him. "Is everything ok, sir?"  
  
"Yeah. No." He looked absently down the corridor.  
  
"Still thinking about Ms. Kochanski?"  
  
"Well yeah, but that's not what's botherin' me. It's Rimmer."  
  
"Yes, the news took me by surprise as well, sir."  
  
"Yeah, but I've known all this time. I was fine with it before, but seein' him here now..."  
  
"I know. Part of me wants to congratulate him and the other wants to disassemble myself just for thinking such a thing. It's all very strange, sir, and it will take some getting used to."  
  
"Kryten, what's wrong with me? I should be happy for him I suppose, but it's all so WEIRD. I mean, this is Rimmer we're talking about here, the man who's pictured next to the word smeghead in the dictionary. Is this real or is it all a big lie? I don't know! It seems real enough; I just don't know if I can accept it."  
  
Suddenly Rimmer shot out of the medi-unit up ahead. "C'mon, Holly says we're getting a distress call."  
  
They ran to the science room, picking up Cat along the way. Holly was waiting for them when they arrived.  
  
"Hol, what's this about a distress call?"  
  
"Just a mo'. Puttin' it onscreen."  
  
Static filled the monitor as the message tired to break through, but the signal was either too weak to be received properly or else something was jamming it. Once in a while a voice could be heard, but it kept getting cut off.  
  
"Try and clear it up, Holly," Lister said.  
  
"Oh yeah, like THAT never crossed my mind." He paused as he ran through some adjustments. "Here, let's give this a try."  
  
Visual was still rather vague, but at least audio was working now. A calm and clear voice filled the room.  
  
"...under attack. We are asking for help from any ship nearby."  
  
Some muffled voices filled in the background, and another voice took over. "No, we don't need any help. Sorry for bothering you, we're fine."  
  
"Yes we do!" The first voice again. "Now will you kindly back off so I can place this distress call?"  
  
Lister opened his mouth to reply but Rimmer beat him to it. "This is the JMC mining ship Red Dwarf responding to your distress call. Please explain the situation."  
  
A muffled groan could be heard in the background as a light thunk! echoed in the microphone. They all looked at each other, wondering what was going on. Suddenly a third voice spoke up.  
  
"Lister? Can you hear me?"  
  
He could hardly believe his ears. "Kris?! Is that you?"  
  
"Yeah it's me! Thank God someone heard us."  
  
Kryten's neck hinges had reached their boiling point. "Ah, the icing on the proverbial cake."  
  
Lister ignored him. "Where are you? What's goin' on?"  
  
"I'm onboard the Enlightenment--" she paused, "coordinates have just been sent. We're under attack, you've got to help us. We don't have much longer--"  
  
"We do NOT need any assistance from you. Everything's under control." The second voice again, this time sounding like he would lose his patience any moment now. "Forget you ever heard this."  
  
The first voice cut him off. "Jason, get out of the way. We do need help and we need it now."  
  
The second voice shouted something in the background but the first voice continued. "Sorry, he's been jamming the signal. Just a sec."  
  
The static managed to piece itself together and a picture finally came into view. Four pairs of eyes widened as they caught sight of each other.  
  
"Kris!" "Nirvana?" "Hi Lister." "...Arnie?"  
  
All fell into an uncomfortable silence as they let their eyes do the talking. Cat looked up from his mirror when he realized that no one was saying anything.  
  
"Hey, officer BB! What are you doin' back here?"  
  
Kryten turned to the wall. "Leaving soon, I hope."  
  
"It's nice to see you too, Kryten," she said. He shuddered. He wasn't sure if he had wanted her to hear that or not.  
  
She looked away and noticed Rimmer for the first time. "Rimmer is that you? When did your hair get so long?"  
  
"No this is Ace," Lister said before anyone else could reply. "He's another Rimmer from a different dimension."  
  
Rimmer somehow tore his eyes away from Nirvana's and cleared his throat. "Right, so what's the problem?"  
  
"We're under attack by an unknown enemy," Nirvana replied. She continued to study Rimmer's face as she talked. "They have some sort of cloaking device and have locked us out of our main controls. Right now they're using various frequencies and wave patterns to distort our generator."  
  
Another blast hit the ship, frazzling the image for a second before it managed to restore itself. Kochanski jumped in. "Lister, I don't mean to sound impatient, but if the generator gets hit hard enough, the hard-light drive could fail, and I really don't want to find out what's it like to die floating helplessly in space."  
  
Rimmer flashed a confident smile. "We'll be right there. Till then, hang tight and try not to worry. Help is on the way." His stomach turned like it always did before he said it: "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast."  
  
The image flickered off and Rimmer turned and ran down the hall. The others all gave each other confused looks, then ran off after him.  
  
"Rimmer, will you wait up?"  
  
Rimmer skidded to a stop. "Sorry, I'm just used to working alone. Now listen up, I've got a plan."  
  
"If it involves runnin' away and hiding, Rimmer, forget it. They need help out there."  
  
Rimmer gave him an incredulous look. "Lister, why in the world would I say something like that? Of course we're going to help them!"  
  
"But sir, shouldn't we try and find out more about the people that are attacking the ship?"  
  
"No need Kryten, I already know."  
  
"You do? Then who is it?"  
  
He sighed. "Timlars."  
  



	15. Chapter Fifteen

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Fifteen   
  
"Timlars?" Lister repeated. "Don't tell me you finally found your aliens, Rimmer."  
  
"No, they're human. Deranged and vengeful humans, yes, but still humans. On my last jump I met a man named George Harper and he told me their history."  
  
They began to walk towards the landing bay as Rimmer continued the story. "605 years ago, or at least 605 years from their present day, a large group of crazed science fiction fans was raising hell all over Earth. Dressed up as their favorite characters from their favorite shows, they would act out their fantasies on the helpless populace. Some of the more intelligent ones were even able to construct realistic weapons like the ones used on their favorite sci-fi programs. They would obliterate buildings, destroy private property, and force people to take part in their games, sometimes even killing them if they refused. All in the name of science fiction fandom. Finally the Earth council decided they had had enough. Not only was the group out of control, but the fact that such a group existed was disturbing enough. They summoned the unofficial leaders of the group and offered them a choice. They could either be relocated to a different planet to act out their strange obsessions, or they could remain on Earth and act like normal, civilized people."  
  
"And they chose to go."  
  
"Of course they did, now don't interrupt me. Anyway, they were relocated to Navus 7, a nice enough planet that was very far from Earth. Once there, the group split into two factions, and one of the factions decided to move to a planet in a nearby system called Timlar 4. Now that there were two sides, they could engage in real science fiction battles. For a few years, everything went great. Both sides built up their own civilizations as well as their strategies and task forces. But after four years of endless battles and relived scenes, the Navetians grew tired of it all. They wanted to settle down and get on with their lives. So the factions called a truce. The Timlars cut off all contact with the Navetians, but they didn't care much. They stopped all production of munitions and turned their attention to building up agriculture and economy. But the Timlars had other ideas in mind. A year after they had signed the truce, the Timlar fleet surrounded the planet and bombarded the settlements, beginning a reign of tyranny that lasted for 600 years."  
  
"But how could you tell that they were the ones attacking the Enlightenment?"  
  
"When the group was sent to the new planet, the council wouldn't let them bring any sort of weapons with them. They didn't want them destroying each other after all, no matter how tempting the idea was. So the two sides had to develop their own weapons. The Navetians continued to rely on reproductions of devices used in science fiction programs, but the Timlars began to experiment with sound. They developed weapons that produced fantastically destructive sound waves and frequencies. After a while, sound became their only weapon. That's what they used to bombard Navus 7, and that's what they're using right now as they attack that ship."  
  
"But I thought that sound waves can't travel in space?"  
  
He blinked. "Look, don't ask me to explain the science of it, I only know what I saw."  
  
"Heard."  
  
"You KNOW what I mean."  
  
"There's just one thing that still bothers me, bud," said Cat from behind him.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"How did you get your hair to look so good?"  
  
They all ignored him. As they entered the landing bay, Rimmer broke away from the group.  
  
"Where you goin', bud?"  
  
"I'll take the Wildfire. You stay here where it's safe."  
  
"What are you talkin' about, Rimmer? We're all going. C'mon, we'll take Starbug."  
  
"Lister, you can't be serious. These people need help NOW. We shouldn't waste time riding on a craft that could easily be outrun by an anesthetized sloth."  
  
"It's not like that anymore, Rimmer. The drive's been converted. It's quick as lightning now."  
  
"What? When did this happen?"  
  
"Not too long ago."  
  
"All right fine, we'll take Starbug. Tell Holly to watch A.J. while we're gone." He pulled on his collar. "Diane, stay here, but keep an eye on us, ok? We might need some backup."  
  
"You've got it, Ace."  
  
They climbed inside Starbug and blasted into space. Rimmer sat down at his old station like nothing had ever changed. In fact the only thing that seemed different to him was the fact that Starbug was actually traveling fast. He looked up to see Lister looking back at him with an 'I told you so' expression on his face.  
  
Kryten turned towards him. "One thing still puzzles me, sir. How do *you* fit into all this?"  
  
"Who do you think ended their 600 year reign?" he asked as he flashed his best Ace grin.  
  
"Get outta town," Lister scoffed.  
  
"No, it's true. They're probably out for revenge. After 600 years as science fiction villains, their fandom has become their culture, not just an act. They often overact and use tired, overused lines in their everyday speech, all the while wreaking havoc on the universe. To tell you the truth, they're quite nasty people." Suddenly his face clouded as he realized something horrible.  
  
Lister noticed something wasn't quite right. "Rimmer? What's wrong?"  
  
He looked back with guilty eyes. "It's my fault. My God, it's all my fault."   
  
"What's your fault?"  
  
"Somehow they followed me and--A.J.'s house. They were trying to get *me*, not him. I KNEW I recognized that attack pattern!"  
  
"Rimmer, what are you--"  
  
"And now they've followed me here. But how? Oh smeg-the aft sensors. We couldn't detect them. Why didn't I fix the sensors?!" He looked at Lister as if asking for forgiveness. "I led them here. It's all my fault. They destroyed A.J.'s house and almost killed him. Now they're going to destroy--"  
  
He bit his knuckle in worry and shock. The others didn't know what to say; they were too confused about what was going on to really say anything. A moment later, Rimmer looked up and banged his fist on his console.  
  
"Right. They tricked me once and I'm not going to let it happen again. Let's just get there."  
  
A few minutes later, the Enlightenment came into view. It still gleamed with the same calm beauty as it always had, only now it was solid instead of translucent.  
  
Cat frowned. "I thought you said these guys were under attack?"  
  
"They are. The Timlars are using their cloaking device."  
  
"That figures," said Lister. "They have to have a cloaking device. Everyone who's anyone on a sci-fi show has a cloaking device." He looked back at the ship as they got closer. "Still, it doesn't look like they're under attack anymore. Maybe the Timlars left?"  
  
Suddenly a barrage of invisible attacks rocked the port side of the Enlightenment. The ship's image took on an unhealthy glow, and a stream of material began to flow from all around it.  
  
"What is that stuff? Debris?" Lister asked Kryten.  
  
"According to scans, the ship's hard-light generator is slowly breaking down due to the attack. The materials you see emanating from the ship are all objects that weren't able to stabilize with the generator."  
  
"So they're falling through the ship?"  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"How long till the drive completely corrodes?"  
  
Kryten looked back with a worried face. "About 18 minutes, sir."  
  
"Right, I'm going in," said Rimmer, and got up to wait by the door until Starbug had fully docked.  
  
Lister jumped up. "I'm goin' with you."  
  
"No way, Lister. The ship's far too unstable."  
  
"Rimmer, Kris is on there. I have to make sure she's all right." They both stood their ground. Neither was about to give in.  
  
"Docking complete, sirs," said Kryten from the cockpit.  
  
"Come on Rimmer, we don't have time for this."  
  
He gave a reluctant nod, and they both ran through the open hatchway. As they rounded the first corner, they froze in their tracks.  
  
No one onboard was panicking. There were no sirens blaring or warning lights flashing. In fact, if they hadn't known any better, Rimmer and Lister would have thought that everything was perfectly normal. No one paid them any heed as they walked by; any look they did receive was usually from behind an upturned nose. Needless to say, both were quite bewildered.  
  
"Don't they realize what's going on?" asked Lister.  
  
"Of course they do," replied a voice from behind them. They whirled around and came face to face with Nirvana. "They just don't care." She offered them both her hand and introduced herself.  
  
"What do you mean they don't care? Why don't they fight back or somethin'?"  
  
"Oh they all know the danger they face. They just don't want to take the time to actually defend themselves. They feel that everything and everyone is below them. Why should they waste time trying to beat an enemy that they already know is vastly inferior to them?"  
  
"But you're not like them."  
  
She smiled. "Some of us still have our heads on straight. Now come on. We don't have much time."  
  
"Commander, if you'll show me to your hologram shield generator, I think I can stop this mess," said Rimmer as Ace.  
  
Nirvana looked at him and tried to ignore the funny feeling she was getting from him. She reminded herself for the umpteenth time that he was from another dimension, and gathered her wits once more. "Of course. Follow me."  
  
As they turned to go, Lister heard his name being called. He looked up and saw Kochanski walking towards him. He sighed with relief. She was still ok.  
  
"It's about time, Lister," she said in a crisp voice. "We have to hurry before the drive completely fails."  
  
"Nice t'see you too, Kris," he replied. Cat and Kryten came around the corner and joined them.  
  
"Hey, what's with these people?" asked Cat. "Not a single one of them has noticed my suit!"  
  
Kochanski shook her head as she tried to keep her temper. "Right now the damage is affecting random areas of the ship. We have no way of predicting or controlling where it will switch from hard light to soft, so be on your toes."  
  
All of a sudden a soft buzzing sound filled the air. They all exchanged uneasy glances and looked around for the source of the noise. Then just as suddenly, it stopped. Everyone froze as they waited for something to happen.  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
"Weird," said Lister. Everyone began to relax. "I wonder what that was." He took a few steps forward...and disappeared.  
  
Everyone blinked as they waited for their minds to tell them where Lister had just gone. Suddenly it dawned on them.  
  
"Oh my God," said Kochanski. "The sound. It was the hard-light breaking down. Lister's fallen through!"  
  
They all rushed to where he had just been a moment ago. Kochanski knelt down and moved her hand along the floor. Her fingers crept along the surface until her index finger disappeared. She reached forward and let her hand fall through. "There. A shaft of soft light has formed. See, you can feel it." She moved her hand around the hole to demonstrate.  
  
Everyone peered down for a sign of Lister, but couldn't see anything except the floor, which seemed to be perfectly intact. They all looked at each other and waited until someone came up with a suggestion.  
  
"Someone do something!" Kochanski screamed at last, looking at everyone for help. Her brows pinched together as she realized someone else was missing. "Where's Ace?"  
  
They all realized at the same time that there was only one place for him to go. Fingers crossed, they sat back and hoped for the best. It was all they could do under the circumstances.  



	16. Chapter Sixteen

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Sixteen   
  
Rimmer dove into the hole without any sort of a plan. He figured it would come to him along the way. Now as he kept falling and falling, however, he was beginning to wish that plan would hurry up.  
  
He tried to catch a glimpse of Lister as they passed through the decks, but he was still too far ahead of him. Rimmer straightened out his body with hopes that he could gain some ground before it was too late to do anything...  
  
Lister's life had begun to pass before his eyes. It wasn't much of a life. Normally he didn't mind it, but in hopeless situations like these, he wanted to kick himself for not doing something with his life when he had the chance. After all I've been through, he thought angrily, you'd think I would've learned. Maybe I deserve what I get.  
  
He heard his name from far away and looked up. Rimmer was about ten feet from him and closing fast.  
  
"Rimmer, what do you think you're doing?"  
  
"I'm writing haiku. What's it look like I'm doing, you goit? I'm trying to save you!"  
  
"You're saving me? But you can't rescue anyone!"  
  
"So you would rather fall to your untimely demise then take your chances with me, is that what you're saying?"  
  
Lister remembered he was falling, and looked back up. "No--just do somethin'!"  
  
"All right. Hang on."  
  
"Oh that's great advice, Rimmer. Like I have anything to hang on to."  
  
Now he was about three feet away. "Lister, I'm going to grab your hand and then switch to soft-light."  
  
"You what? Rimmer, you can't touch anything when you're in soft-light, remember?"  
  
"Wrong. When I'm in soft-light I'll be in tune with this damaged part of the ship and I'll quit falling."  
  
"Yeah great, but what about me? How am I supposed to grab your hand when you're in soft-light?"  
  
"I'm going to try and keep just my right hand in hard-light. Therefore when I stop falling, you'll stop too."  
  
Lister looked down and wondered how many decks they had left. He knew it couldn't be too many. "Rimmer, are you sure this will work?"  
  
"Shut up, I have to concentrate. If I don't time this just right, we'll be in big trouble. Get ready." He stretched his arm down to Lister and grabbed his hand as his anxious mind counted down the seconds.  
  
_Three_  
  
"Rimmer, hurry up!"  
  
_Two_  
  
"What are you waitin' for? I can see the bottom deck!"  
  
_One!_  
  
Rimmer switched to soft light and reached up with his left hand, grabbing hold of a pipe in the lower cargo deck. He looked down and felt a huge wave of relief wash over him.  
  
Lister clung to his other hand. He looked shocked, but otherwise seemed ok. Lister was looking down at the bottom of the ship--just two floors below them--then slowly looked up at Rimmer.  
  
"It worked," he muttered in complete surprise. "I can't believe it worked."  
  
Rimmer breathed deeply. He couldn't believe it either.  
  
"So now what?"  
  
"I'm going to swing you to the side of the hole. It should still be hard-light outside of it."  
  
"What do you mean, SHOULD be? What if it's not?"  
  
"Well, you'll fall through the ship before your brain has time to realize what's going on."  
  
"Now wait a minute, Rimmer--"  
  
"Lister, will you quit arguing with me just for a second? This hard-light shield is only temporary. It could wear off at any minute. I have no other choice."  
  
Lister looked at the room he was in. He couldn't even tell where the 'hole' began and where it ended. To him, the room looked completely solid. What if there were more holes inside it? What then? His mind demanded answers but Lister had none to give it. He looked up at Rimmer and nodded.  
  
"Ok. Just hurry."  
  
Rimmer began to swing as best he could. He wanted to be sure that Lister was thrown clear of the hole. He pumped his legs and began to gain more and more ground. Lister closed his eyes and braced himself for either a hard hit or a great fall. Then he was flying through the air. He hung in nothingness for what seemed like eternity; his heart fell as he began to panic. Where was the ground? Maybe he fell into another hole? Maybe the entire ship was soft light?  
  
He landed with a loud THUD! a moment later. His fingers insisted on feeling the solid ground around him before allowing his eyes to open, and he wasn't about to contest their good judgment. Then he looked back and saw Rimmer drop to the ground. Rimmer brushed himself off and came over to him.  
  
"Are you ok?"  
  
Lister nodded. He didn't know what else to do. Rimmer switched back to hard light and helped him to his feet. Lister stood wide-eyed as he waited for his heart to quit trying to escape his chest.   
  
Rimmer just shared Lister's look of relief. "Come on. Let's get back to the others before the rest of this ship falls apart."  
  
  
  
"Sir, do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first?"  
  
"Bad news?" asked Gambran sharply. "What do you mean, bad news?"  
  
The ensign cleared his throat. "Right, good news it is, sir. Our plan worked. Sensors indicate that Ace Rimmer is indeed on board the Enlightenment."  
  
"Excellent! And his ship?"  
  
"Not here, sir. Long-range sensors have located it, though. It seems that it was left behind."  
  
"You have to be kidding me."  
  
He shook his head. "No I'm not, sir. It's stationed near some sort of mining vessel, just waiting to be picked up."  
  
"That's wonderful news!" His smile fell as he remembered what the ensign had mentioned before. "So what's the bad news?"  
  
"The bad news is that he's just about to stabilize the frequency on the ship and is also in the process of pinpointing the frequency that will disable our cloak."  
  
"Then we'll have to beat him to it. Go to orange alert. Take the ship back to strike position delta and get to work on plan B."  
  
"Aye, sir."  
  
  
  
Lister tried to relax, but Cat was making it incredibly difficult. He kept bombarding him with questions, and the last thing Lister wanted to do at the moment was relive his near-fatal fall.  
  
"So could you see where you were goin' or did you just fall blindly?"  
  
"Sorta blindly. I mean I could see the floor of the room I was in, but that was all. If Rimmer hadn't saved me..." He stopped. He was still in awe.  
  
"You're still tryin' to tell me that Ace is actually alphabet head?"  
  
"He IS, Cat. How many times do we have to remind you?"  
  
"Please. You expect me to believe that Rimmer just risked his own life to save yours?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Cat shook his head. "Buddy, you need help." He started preening while Lister became engrossed in his confused thoughts.  
  
Rimmer had saved him. No, not just saved him, but saved him in an amazing way. It wasn't a lie. He really had succeeded as Ace. Lister looked over to Rimmer as he worked with Nirvana and Kryten to try and reestablish the ship's frequency. There was no doubt that he certainly seemed to know at least a little about what he was doing.   
  
Lister's lips formed the words "What a guy" but he shut them tightly as his mind continued the debate.  
  
_Rimmer saved me._  
  
_Yeah, so?_  
  
_SO, he's not *supposed* to do stuff like that. He never has in the past. He always weaseled his way out of heroic stuff so he could save himself, remember? Why the sudden change_?  
  
_Because he's Ace. And that's what Ace does._  
  
_But that's just the problem_!  
  
_No it isn't. I think we both know where the real problem lies. Don't we_?  
  
_You're asking me_?  
  
He snapped out of it when Rimmer clapped his hands. "That's it! We've got it!"  
  
"It's about time," said Cat. "Can we go now?"  
  
Lister looked at him. "But we just got here!"  
  
"I know, but I've got better things to do than watch you fall through floors."  
  
"Like checking out the sex deck?"  
  
Cat flicked his tongue. "Buddy, you read my mind. Let's go."  
  
They got up to leave, but Kochanski stopped them in their tracks. "Before you two go off to satisfy your libidos, may I remind you that whoever it was that attacked this ship is still out there and can strike again at any moment."  
  
"Right, which means that someone has to go after them," Rimmer continued. "The obvious choice for that job is me. I've defeated them before, and I can do it again. Easy as pie." He hoped for an impressed look from Nirvana, but all she gave him was a yawn.  
  
"No, I think it's better if we assemble a task force," replied Kochanski.  
  
"Agreed," said Kryten. "Some of us can stay here and monitor the frequency while the rest can go off after the Timlars."  
  
"That will not be necessary."  
  
They whirled around to see the captain standing in the doorway, with Jason Vogel glaring at them from behind him.  
  
"The enemy has obviously retreated, and as there is no further threat to the ship, you are free to go."  
  
Nirvana looked at them out of the corner of her eye. "You checked the scans, I presume?"  
  
"Of course not, commander. Who would want to take the time to use a sensor, much less read the information it gave?" She shook her head in reply.  
  
Rimmer stood up and firmly shook the captain's hand as he introduced himself. The captain seemed unimpressed.  
  
"I suppose we have you to thank for saving our ship," he said without emotion.  
  
"It was nothing, really."  
  
"Indeed. You didn't have to come here at all. We had everything under control."  
  
"Well I--"  
  
"No matter. At least now you can be among hard-light holograms. How does it feel to be surrounded by such greatness?"  
  
"Well actually I've had hard-light capabilities for quite some time now."  
  
The captain's right eyebrow raised two millimeters. "Really? And how, pray tell, were you able to develop such capabilities on your own?"  
  
"He didn't, sir," said Kryten. "It was a gift from a--"  
  
"Excuse me, but was the captain addressing _you_ ?" Jason sneered. "I don't think so."  
  
Lister stood up. "Yeah, well he wasn't addressing YOU either, was he?"  
  
"Gentleman, please, I have a headache," the captain said. He looked back at Rimmer. "Ace Rimmer, right? We had a technician from your vessel here a while ago whose name was also Rimmer. Any relation?"  
  
"`Fraid not old man. I'm from a different dimension."  
  
"But where is the other one?"  
  
Rimmer blinked. "I'm afraid he's no longer with us. In fact it's doubtful whether he'll ever return."  
  
He turned and was met by Nirvana's empty gaze. She tried to keep up an air of dignity to hide her feelings, but she couldn't conceal the fact that there was no longer any light behind her eyes.  
  
"Did you hear me?"  
  
He looked back at the captain. "Sorry old chum, didn't quite catch that."  
  
"Never mind. I don't want to take the time to repeat myself. Now if you'll excuse me" He glanced at the others, shook his head in disgust, and left.  
  
Now it was Jason's turn to put Rimmer on trial. He stepped in front of Rimmer and peered at him with cold eyes. "So, Mr. Ace Rimmer." He pronounced every consonant crisply, trying to show he was unimpressed but sounding more like he taught proper diction for a living. "How exactly did you reestablish the hard-light frequency?"  
  
"I set up a temporary block on any incoming wavelengths. That allowed me to relocate the original frequency."  
  
"And how did you set the frequency?"  
  
Rimmer gave him a puzzled look. "Well I just turned the knob to the proper setting."  
  
"What a waste," Jason muttered. He looked at them all and held back the urge to vomit, as his mind held up hope that the captain would come to see them for what they really were: a bunch of idiotic, brainless, scum-sucking losers who would surely destroy everything the Enlightenment crew held dear.  
  
"You were just leaving, weren't you Jason?" Nirvana hinted.  
  
"Yes I was, commander. And may I remind you of a little appointment you have in an hour. Don't be late." He whistled as he made his exit. Nirvana sighed and got up.  
  
"Where are you going?" asked Kochanski.  
  
"Sorry, I'll just be a minute. I'm just getting a glass of water."  
  
The guys tried to intercept the silent message the women were exchanging, but came up with nothing. As the women made a hasty exit, Kryten walked over to Rimmer.  
  
"Sir, about that task force. I was thinking that maybe we...should...." He stopped talking as Rimmer slowly walked out the door, turned and went the opposite direction that the women had walked.  
  
"Sir?" he called after him, but Rimmer just kept walking. Kryten shrugged and turned to Lister. "Now sir, as I was about to say, I--"  
  
Lister brushed past him and followed Rimmer. Kryten looked down the hallway and saw them disappear around a corner.  
  
"Well that's just super," he said as he came back in the room. "I come up with the strategy and no one's around to hear it." He looked at Cat, who was busy filing his nails. "Do _you_ want to hear the plan I've come up with?"  
  
"Unless it involves breaking into the sexual recreation deck, no."  
  
"Fine. We'll just sit here and wait for the enemy to destroy us. Then when we're falling helplessly through deep space, I can remind you of this moment when you're all gasping for air." He sat down and began to wonder why he had chosen to put off doing the laundry in order to come with these people.  



	17. Chapter Seventeen

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Seventeen   
  
A.J. covered his ears to illustrate the fact that he wasn't listening. His pace began to quicken as he tried to figure out a way off the ship.  
  
"A.J., will you please listen to me?" Diane asked again from the monitors he rushed by. "You are in no condition to be going anywhere."  
  
"I'm perfectly fine," he replied. "I want to help the others, and I can't do that by lying around on some bed. I'm going and you can't stop me."  
  
Diane sighed in frustration. "Why are you all so STUBBORN?!" She got no reply. "Holly, will you please help me?"  
  
His image appeared beside hers. "And do what? Obviously I'm not as good as your precious crush."  
  
"Holly, you know I can't help that. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."  
  
"Yeah, but it's more than that. Obsession with a human? It's against the regs!"  
  
"I know I know. Look, can we discuss this some other time? I really need your help right now." He gave her a stubborn look. "Please?" she begged. "I don't know what to do!"  
  
"All right. No need to get all teary-eyed. Of course I'll help."  
  
She smiled with gratitude. "Thanks Hol, you're the best."  
  
"Yeah, I know." They both looked to where A.J. had been, but he was long gone. "Don't worry, I'll find him. Half a mo'." He blinked off for a second, then back on.  
  
"So where is he?"  
  
"Science room. He just found the teleporter."  
  
A.J. appeared in the seat onboard the Wildfire a second later. "So I see," said Diane.  
  
"Well?" he asked eagerly. "What are we waiting for?"  
  
"We're waiting for you to go back to the medi-unit."  
  
"Oh, I don't think so." He began to punch various buttons.  
  
"A.J., what are you doing?!"  
  
"ONE of these has to be the start-up button. Which is it?"  
  
"Stop it before you get yourself killed. You don't know what you're doing yet."  
  
"Then I guess _you'll_ just have to take me."  
  
"Forget it."  
  
He reached a finger towards a blinking light. "I wonder what this does..."  
  
"NO!" She glared at him. "All right I'll take you. Ace is going to kill me, but I'll take you. Just don't touch anything, ok?"  
  
"Fine by me." He sat back, obviously proud of himself. Diane fired up the thrusters.  
  
"Holly, keep this link open. I'll let you know what's going on and if we need help."  
  
"Sounds good, sis."  
  
The Wildfire turned around and zoomed away.  
  
  
  
Lister knew what Rimmer was going to say before he uttered a single word. It was obvious. He saw how Rimmer had looked when Nirvana found out the 'truth.' It was the same look Rimmer wore when he found out his father had died. Pure sadness. Not the typical "I'm dead and I deserve pity" sadness he usually displayed. No, this went deeper. It was a sadness he had no control over. Now it was up to Lister to give the advice, and at the moment, he didn't know what to tell him. Would it be better to say what he wanted to hear or what he _should_ hear? Lister didn't know. He guessed he'd figure that out as they went along.  
  
Rimmer didn't waste any time. After a few minutes of silence, he suddenly turned to Lister and blurted, "Lister, I have to tell her."  
  
"You can't." Lister surprised himself with the answer.  
  
"And why not?" Rimmer demanded. "Why can't I tell her the truth? That I'm not gone, that I'm right here and that I'm very glad to see her?"  
  
"Because you have to keep up your role as Ace!"  
  
"But for how long?" They rounded another corner. "How smegging long must I keep this up?"  
  
"Rimmer, you know the answer to that," he replied quietly.  
  
"That's not true, actually. Diane tells me a few of the Aces retired."  
  
"No way," said Lister, fascinated. "Why?"  
  
"Well I don't know all the stories, but one of them had a wife that he missed terribly. He wanted to go back to her instead of letting her believe that he was dead."  
  
"Really?"  
  
Rimmer stopped and looked at him. "Lister, I never got to say good-bye to her the first time. Now I don't even get a chance to say hello. I just feel...obligated somehow. I have to tell her the truth."  
  
"You're sure about this."  
  
Rimmer nodded, and Lister sighed. They turned around and headed back to the room.  
  
Two and one-third eye-blinks later, a set of fingers appeared around the corner, and Jason crept out of the shadows. His body shook with rage while his mind tried to think of a way to fully take advantage of what he'd just learned.  
  
"So, Mr. Rimmer is back," he said to himself. "How wonderful." Suddenly he heard a strange noise coming from inside a room he had just passed. His curiosity got the best of him and he opened the door to investigate.  
  
He grinned. "Perfect."  
  
  
  
Nirvana looked at the clock, her newest enemy. 5:49, it laughed at her, displaying the numbers in blood red no less. She had just eleven minutes to make up her mind. Jason would surely be there in five to make sure she went. She had to decide now: relent or resist? All day she had been certain that she would resist. Now that she knew the truth, however...  
  
She looked at the note, still resting on the table, waiting patiently to be read once again. Nirvana began to wonder why she had ever thought of it as anything more than a piece of paper. That's all it was after all, a small scrap with writing on it. It should have been recycled long ago, but her head got filled with foolish notions and had persuaded her to keep it around all this time.  
  
Nirvana stood up and headed for the door. It was time to put those foolish notions to rest. She opened the door and was surprised to see that Jason wasn't waiting for her. No matter. She didn't need an escort. She slammed the door and marched to the lift, unaware that the wind from shutting the door had blown that innocent piece of paper to the foot of the door, trying to help it follow her. The door, however, wasn't feeling as cooperative, and the note had to be content with lying up against it, listening to her footfalls echo as she went off to do what she thought was right.  
  
She felt like such a fool, allowing herself to be taken over by a temporary hormonal distraction. Her! It was pathetic. She was surprised that the captain had put up with her all this time. "Come on, come on!" she said to the lift. "I want to get this over with before Kris comes to get me when the task force is leaving."  
  
At last the lift reached its destination, and Nirvana practically knocked the door down in her hurry. Now that she had her mind set, she couldn't get there fast enough. She almost skipped to the room, but stopped just before it.  
  
"Suite 520," she read aloud. "Memory retrieval and erasure. At last, a chance to get back to normal." She hesitated for a moment, then opened the door.  
  
Her jaw dropped.  
  
Rimmer sat in a chair in the middle of the room, wearing Ace's flashy flight-suit but sporting his natural hair on his head.  
  
"Hello Nirvana," he said with a shy smile. "It's nice to see you again."  



	18. Chapter Eighteen

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Eighteen   
  
Nirvana didn't speak. For the moment, she had practically forgotten how. All she could do was stare and question her sanity.  
  
"Who are you?" she said at last.  
  
"Well, who do I look like?"  
  
"But it can't be. You're dead."  
  
"Nirvana, I'm a hologram. Of course I'm dead. So are you!"  
  
"No no, that's not what I mean. Ace said you were gone and that you were...never...coming..." Rimmer had put the wig on again. "--back?"  
  
"Is that what he told you?" he replied as Ace. "I think he was given the wrong information." He removed the wig again and held it between his hands.  
  
"I don't understand--"  
  
"Shh, I'll explain it all later." He stood up and slowly walked towards her.  
  
She looked like she had just seen a miracle. Her face was bright as her eyes blazed with life. Rimmer had seen lots of pretty and eager faces throughout his adventures as Ace, but none ever held the look that Nirvana was giving him right now.  
  
It was rejection.  
  
"No, I came here to get my memory erased," she said sternly. "I want my life back. I want things back the way they used to be before you came and changed it all."  
  
He stood still. "Nirvana, what are you saying?"  
  
"I'll make it simple for you: leave. Go away. I don't want to see you ever again."  
  
"Nirvana?"  
  
"Just go!" she cried.  
  
_Wait a minute_! his mind cried. _This isn't how it was supposed to be! Where's the happy ending_? He turned around in a daze. He couldn't believe it. She didn't want him. Correction: she *did* want him, she just wanted him to leave.  
  
"All right, if...if that's what you want." He made his way towards the door.   
  
Nirvana tried to will the tears back into her eyes, but it was proving to be extremely difficult. She looked at the memory erasure computer, then back at Rimmer. Then she looked deep inside herself. She knew what she had to do.  
  
"...wait," she said, barely above a whisper.  
  
Rimmer turned back around and was met by a long, full kiss.  
  
  
  
Kochanski noticed Lister was staring at her. Normally she would have turned on him right away, but at the moment, it felt rather nice to get the attention. She let him continue for a minute before she said anything.  
  
"Lister, please don't stare at me."  
  
"Oh, sorry Kris." He scratched his neck and tried not to look so obvious as he continued to stare.  
  
She noticed anyway. "You're doing it again."  
  
"I know, I just...I'm glad to see you is all. I was worried about you, y'know."  
  
She offered him a flattered smile. "You were?"  
  
"Yeah. What happened anyway?"  
  
"The linkway was incomplete, and I was slingshot back here just as I was about to--" She closed her eyes. "I'd really rather not talk about it right now."  
  
"Ok." He paused as he looked out the window. "Kris, can I ask you somethin'?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Why didn't you want to tell me you were leaving?"  
  
Now she looked out the window. "I don't know. I just didn't know how, I guess."  
  
"But I thought we were friends."  
  
"We are." She looked at him at the same time he looked at her. "We _are_," she said again, and smiled to confirm it. "I just didn't think you wanted to hear about my problems."  
  
"Why, `cause I'm not as sensitive or understanding as your Lister?" he asked sharply.  
  
"No of course not--"  
  
"Because you're wrong. You can talk to me. I'll listen!"   
  
She glanced at him, unconvinced. "You're serious about this?"  
  
"Yeah. Go ahead, spill. What's on your mind?"  
  
Her eyes turned to the ceiling panels as her face became serious. "Everything it seems. I feel so lonely and depressed all the time. Whenever I start to feel at home in this dimension something happens that makes me remember my old life and I start to fall apart." Her voice quivered ever so slightly. "I just miss him SO much. Being without him makes me feel incomplete. I'm so sick of feeling wrong." She paused, then added," Plus I've been getting these terrible cramps lately--"  
  
Lister put his hand in the air. "Stop!"  
  
"What? Why?"  
  
"I'm sorry, I just can't do this."  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"Sit here and talk about...well you know, girl stuff. Feelings and emotions and your, erm--your 'waterworks.'"  
  
"But I thought you wanted to know what was on my mind!"  
  
"Yeah, but I just thought it was something simple, like maybe you lost your earring or you couldn't figure out a trivia question. Not all this sensitive and emotional stuff."  
  
"*My* Dave would have been glad to talk about that sort of thing."  
  
"Yeah? Well good for him. I'm sure he had fun making oven mitts with ya as well."  
  
"Ugh, I don't know why I even bother," she said, throwing her hands up. "Why is it so terrible to talk openly about how you feel?  
  
"Look just forget it. You're a woman, you wouldn't understand."  
  
"I wouldn't understand what?"  
  
"Let me try and explain. Men don't talk about feelings like that. There's no need to."  
  
"It's true, ma'am." They both looked up and were startled to suddenly see Kryten standing above them. They hadn't noticed him sneaking up on them to listen in on what they were talking about. "I've noticed this behavior before. Whenever the conversation has the potential of delving into personal feelings, most men promptly change the subject to sports or home repair."  
  
"And that's why most daytime talk shows hosted by men failed." She sighed. "Look, this is not the time to discuss the male code of acceptable conversation. We have to stop the--what were they?--the Timlars. Let's go--Cat, you too."  
  
They all got up and walked out the door. Lister grabbed Kochanski's shoulder and turned her around.  
  
"Kris?"  
  
"What is it?" she asked impatiently.  
  
He sighed. "I'm sorry you don't feel like you fit-in here."  
  
"Me too."  
  
"And I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you needed me to. I've just got a lot on my mind right now."  
  
"Lister, Rimmer is still Rimmer, he's just more successful now. It's not that hard to accept. Deal with it."  
  
He did a double take. "How did you--?"  
  
"Please. You couldn't be more obvious if you tried." She grinned. "Lister, why don't you just admit it? You're _proud_ of him. You're glad that he's finally managed to do something with his life. There's nothing wrong with that, and you should stop telling yourself that there is."  
  
He seemed to consider this, and looked away to where Kryten and Cat stood waiting for them before turning back to her. "One more thing," he said. "Rimmer was feelin' really guilty about lyin' to Nirvana about who he really was, and he asked me what I thought he should do."  
  
"And what did you tell him?"  
  
"Well at first I told him no. The more people he lets in on his secret, the harder it will be for him to continue as Ace, and if that truly is his destiny, he shouldn't try an' screw it up, right?"  
  
"But then you told him to go ahead, didn't you."  
  
He nodded. "I sorta put myself in his shoes, to see where he was coming from. He had to tell her. Now I'm just wondering if that was the right thing to do."  
  
He noticed she was smiling at him in a strange way. "Kris?"  
  
"Sorry," she said, shaking it off. "Yes, you did the right thing." She smiled again. "I'm also starting to think that Rimmer's not the only one who seems different."  
  
Kryten called from down the hall, "Sir? Ma'am? The lift will be here soon."  
  
"Yeah, we're comin', Kryts."  
  
The lift arrived and the doors slid open, revealing Rimmer and Nirvana. He had his arm around her, and she seemed incredibly content.  
  
"Everyone ready?" he asked as they piled into the lift.  
  
Kochanski nodded and asked, "What do we do first?"  
  
All of a sudden the lights went out. Lister flipped his lighter on and held it in the middle of the group. "What's goin' on?"  
  
"I don't know, bud," said Cat, "but I don't like it. I can't even see how I'm lookin'."  
  
"Oh no, the horror," said Rimmer flatly. A moment later the lights flickered back on, and the lift reached its destination.  
  
Cat grinned. "That's better!" His mirror was out in a flash, and he nodded when he was satisfied that he still looked great. "Let's get off this ship before anything else happens. This kitty's had enough excitement for one day."  
  
The doors opened and Cat started to step out, but Rimmer pulled him back. Cat threw him a questioning glance, but noticed that the rest of them were staring back with pale faces. "What's wrong with everybody?" They all pointed and he turned around.  
  
Ahead of him, the corridor fluctuated out of control, becoming hard-light one moment and soft the next. Crew members fell through the deck as their light bees tried desperately to keep up with the ship, occasionally getting caught in the ceiling or the floor. Worst of all, however, was what could clearly be seen through the large window at the end of the hall. It was a large and very menacing ship, obviously locked in an attack position and ready to fire at any moment, carrying a very familiar ship in tow. An ominous greenish light filled in the background.  
  
Suddenly Rimmer's communicator sparked to life. "Ace, can you hear me?" Diane whispered through it. "I'm afraid we've got a bit of a problem."  
  
The entire ship began to vibrate, shaking a few crew members free of the ship. The buzzing noise they had heard before mixed with the sound of scraping metal as the entire structure began to bend and twist.  
  
"Oh smeg," they all said in unison.  



	19. Chapter Nineteen

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Nineteen   
  
Rimmer was upset that he couldn't pace. Of all the places to be at a time like this, he had to be stuck on a rather crowded lift, a place that was quite un-paceable. "What do you mean they've got A.J.?"  
  
"A.J.?" Nirvana whispered to Lister, who leaned over and filled her in.  
  
"He wanted to help you out, Ace, so he tricked me into bringing him here. Along the way we kinda...sorta...got captured." Diane could sense the glare on his face. "I couldn't help it, they snuck up from behind, and since SOMEONE neglected to fix the aft sensors when he had a chance--"  
  
"Never mind that now. Where exactly is A.J. at the moment?"  
  
"They've taken him prisoner. I don't think they're very interested in him, although knowing their fascination with torture, I don't think he'll be fine for long. What they really want is the Wildfire drive. You've got to get over here NOW."  
  
"Yes, well we're having a little difficulty right now. The ship's generator is out of control and we can't reach Starbug."  
  
"Arnie, I've got an idea," said Nirvana from behind him.  
  
"Who was that?" demanded Diane.  
  
"Not now, Diane. " He turned around. "What's your idea?"  
  
"Give me your light bee."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I'm going to configure it so that it will be controlled by the ship's frequency. That way you can run through the corridor as your image automatically switches with the ship."  
  
"But the other crew members were tuned in, ma'am, and look what happened to them," said Kryten.  
  
"Yes but that's only because they were caught unawares. When we get cleared--"  
  
"Wait a minute," said Rimmer. "We?"  
  
"I'm coming with you."  
  
"No you're not."  
  
"Yes I am. Once we're on the other side we can try and set up a temporary field on the corridor that would allow the others to cross. I know a lot more about how the frequencies work than you do."  
  
"No, there has to be some other way."  
  
Kryten shook his head. "I'm afraid not, sir. At the moment Ms. Crane's suggestion seems to be the only viable option."   
  
The lift jolted suddenly, sending a clear reminder that they didn't have all the time in the world. Rimmer thought for a moment, then nodded. "All right, let's go. After I switch to soft-light, take my light bee and make the necessary adjustments." A moment later, Nirvana reached in and gently removed the light bee, as his image faded away. She opened it up and started to work.  
  
Kochanski didn't like the look of the corridor. It seemed to be getting worse, and she wasn't sure how much time they had left before the lift started to get affected. She looked to Lister; his face showed that he was worried about the same thing.  
  
The ship began to vibrate harder and the fluctuations increased. The worry factor also continued to climb.  
  
"Nirvana, we really need to hurry here."  
  
She snapped the light bee shut. "There, all done." She threw it back in the air and Rimmer's image blinked back on. They paused for a moment, then jumped into the corridor. Satisfied that the floor was indeed beneath them, they sprinted across the deck and opened the door to Starbug's dock.  
  
"Get in there and start up Starbug," Nirvana ordered. "I'll stabilize the corridor."  
  
"But--"  
  
"No time to argue, just go." He turned and ran off. Nirvana turned her attention to the panel behind her.  
  
Still inside the lift, Kryten, Lister, Cat, and Kochanski huddled together as the terrible buzzing noise they had heard before filled their ears.  
  
"It's too late," said Lister quietly.  
  
"You just HAD to say that out loud, didn't you?" whined Cat.  
  
The buzzing noise was gone again. Lister tried to prepare himself for another fall, knowing that this time there truly was no hope of rescue. He found himself squeezing Kochanski in his arms. She put up no resistance.  
  
"Come on!" they heard from far off. They looked up and saw Nirvana beckoning them. Cat took off without stopping to think about whether or not the deck was actually stable or not. Seeing him pass unharmed was enough for the rest of them, and they rejoined him and Nirvana soon after. They looked back and watched as the lift began to vibrate with the rest of the ship, fluctuating at random. They legged it back to Starbug, and soon they were free of the ship. Starbug weaved its way through escape pods from the Enlightenment.  
  
"Could someone please tell me what's going on?" asked Cat once they were clear.  
  
Kochanski looked over Rimmer's shoulders at the scans, and frowned along with him. "Oh dear," she said.  
  
Kryten punched some buttons. "Putting it up on visual."  
  
The Enlightenment came into view, and the strange green mist they had glimpsed before now formed a disturbing-yet somewhat familiar--image.  
  
"A swirly thing," said Rimmer. "How unique."  
  
"What is that thing?" asked Lister.  
  
Kryten looked at the readouts. "Extraordinary. It appears that the Timlars are bombarding the ship with a high-energy wave tuned into the specific frequency that can disrupt the hologram generator onboard."  
  
"So what? That's what they did before, and you managed to stabilize it."  
  
"Yes, but this time the wave is much more intense, sir, and it's managed to focus the frequency so precisely that its echoing *with* the ship, not just through it. In effect, it's turned the Enlightenment into a giant tuning fork."  
  
"So why the swirly thing?" asked Cat.  
  
"The frequency is so powerful that it's tearing a hole in the fabric of space."  
  
"Oh, is that all? For a moment I thought it was something serious."  
  
Lister shook his head. "I still don't understand how they're doing this," he confessed.  
  
"Well neither do I sir, but it's happening. The longer the frequency is left on, the larger and more dangerous the rift will become."  
  
"Which means we have no time to spare," said Rimmer. "Hold on Diane, we're on our way."  
  
"Yes you certainly are," came a voice from behind them. They all whirled around to see whom the voice belonged to. Jason stood in the doorway of the cockpit, holding a rather dangerous-looking gun in his hand and a deeply satisfied smirk on his face.  
  
"Jason?!" Nirvana gasped. "What are you doing?"  
  
"I'm doing my duty, commander, unlike some other people I know. I'm turning interlopers over to the authorities."  
  
"What are you talking about? What interlopers?"  
  
He sneered, seeming to take on the appearance of a snake right before their eyes. "I mean you, of course. The whole lot of you."  
  
"WHAT?" they all yelled.  
  
"Coming onboard and disrupting the peace. It all started with you--" he pointed an accusing finger at Rimmer. "You changed Commander Crane from a responsible and brilliant woman to a foolish, emotionally unstable dimwit. I don't want it to spread to the rest of the ship. Therefore I'm taking all of you to the Timlars, where they'll dispose of you as they see fit, and the Enlightenment and its crew can get back to normal."  
  
"You're the one that's placing the ship in danger, you idiot," Nirvana spat. "I can't believe how low you've sunk. You're filth."  
  
He aimed the gun at her. "Keep it up, commander. The gun is fully charged and ready to fire at any moment. Just give me the reason."  
  
Rimmer sprung in the air just as a surge of energy rippled through Starbug, causing the ship to shake for a moment before it was able to level off again. He was thrown off-balance and Jason easily fired at him. He landed hard on the floor, doubled over in pain.  
  
Jason bared his teeth. "That was the lowest setting, Mr. Rimmer. I doubt the Timlars will be so easy on you."  
  
Kochanski helped Rimmer to his feet. "Are you ok?"  
  
He nodded. "I'll be fine." He glared at Jason. "But he won't be for long."  
  
"Look, who the smeg do you think you are?" Lister asked.  
  
"I'm the man who'll be getting the promotion any day now."  
  
"Yeah, promoted from smeg-for-brains to arsehole of the year."  
  
A boom echoed through the ship, and the navicomp began to spark. "We're locked out!" Cat announced, and watched as the joystick began to move on its own.  
  
"Ah, that will be the Timlar's tractor beam," Jason explained. "It won't be long now."  
  
The same invisible force that had brought her to the ship docked Starbug, and soon the sounds of boots clumping towards the cockpit could be heard. Several guards burst into the room, tearing Rimmer and Nirvana away from the rest of the group. Jason eagerly helped the guards put handcuffs on the prisoners and lead them away. He wished the captain could be here to see this, his greatest moment of triumph, all for the glory of the Enlightenment crew.  
  
Rimmer was brought up to the bridge. His mind had no course of action to propose, and he began to wonder just how he was going to get out of this. They reached the bridge and the door slid open. Rimmer was pushed forward and thrown at Gambran's feet.  
  
"Well well well," Gambran chuckled. "So we meet again. Allow me to welcome you aboard." He brought his steel-toed boot back and kicked Rimmer in the stomach with all his might.  



	20. Chapter Twenty (yup, keep going!)

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Twenty   
  
Gambran found himself on the floor. Enraged, he leapt to his feet and glared at Rimmer, who was now standing up.  
  
"Looks like you missed," Rimmer quipped.  
  
Gambran made a weird snarling sound, then threw a punch at him. His fist went right through Rimmer's image and sent Gambran lunging forward. Rimmer smiled, trying to hide the fact that he had no idea why he was suddenly soft-light again.  
  
The ensign helped Gambran stand straight again but he shook him off. "Play games all you want, Mr. Rimmer," he hissed. "You won't be playing them for long." Rimmer rolled his eyes as he tried to stomach the oh-so dramatic lines Gambran was using, and waited for the inevitable speech. Gambran didn't disappoint.  
  
"Thanks to the assistance of Mr. Vogel, we have you as our prisoner at long, long last." He turned to Jason. "Well done, my boy. You would make a fine Timlar."  
  
His buttons struggled to keep his shirt together, while his head seemed to fill the entire room. "Thank you sir."  
  
Gambran turned back to Rimmer. "Now we can finally administer the proper punishments on you, the man who not only helped the Navetians to overthrow us, but wreaked havoc on our entire fleet and brought ruin to our great empire." His eyes became cold as his lips curled into an evil grin. "Oh, the pain we're going to inflict on you, my dear Ace Rimmer. I can hardly wait to get started." The bridge crew cackled as they shared this sentiment.  
  
Rimmer felt his light bee switch to hard light again. What is going on? his mind wondered.  
  
"I know what you're thinking," said Gambran. "What are the Timlars possibly going to do to me?"  
  
"Actually, that wasn't what I was thinking at all."  
  
The first officer punched Rimmer in the jaw and told him to shut up. Gambran shook his head and now thought exactly what Rimmer was thinking, even though he didn't realize it.  
  
Rimmer shoved the first officer aside, but was quickly surrounded by guards before he could do anything else. He raised his hands and swallowed hard, knowing the only way to get through to a Timlar was to talk just like they did, in pointless and well-known dramatic cliches. He got out his book of tired and overused lines and cleared his throat.  
  
"Do what you want with me, Gambran, but leave my friends alone." He tried to get his stomach to quit churning, but it was proving to be quite difficult.  
  
"Now what fun would that be? A group torture is so hard to come by these days. But before the festivities begin, we need to know how that fabulous star drive of yours works."  
  
"And why should I tell you that?"  
  
He gestured to the screen. "Because if you don't, I'll let the Enlightenment slip through that rift."  
  
"Most of the crew have either died or abandoned ship already, Gambran. Why should I care about a deserted ship?"  
  
The wicked grin returned. "Ah ah ah, it's not completely deserted. On screen!"  
  
The picture switched to the bridge of the Enlightenment, and Rimmer felt the "blood" drain from his lips. Nirvana lay unconscious on the floor; her image flickered in perfect unison with the ship, just as the set frequency enabled it to. Rimmer felt his own light bee fluctuating as well, and finally understood what was happening. He turned on Gambran. You even managed to use the most overused threat, he thought bitterly and, swallowing his pride, uttered the most cliched line of all.  
  
"You'll never get away with this."  
  
Gambran naturally followed with the most cliched follow-up line. "I already have."  
  
Without warning, the floor began to tremble. Gambran kept his eyes fixed on Rimmer, but addressed the ensign. "What's going on?"  
  
The ensign didn't reply right away. He was beginning to wish that someone else could give the bad news for a change.  
  
"Well?"  
  
He slowly swiveled around. "Sir, I'm afraid it's bad news."  
  
"Just tell me."  
  
"The rift is out of control sir. It's--it's...," He swallowed hard. "It's pulling us in."  
  
Gambran's voice remained calm. "Shut off the frequency wave."  
  
The ensign punched in the calculations, then uttered a quick shriek. He tried it again, but it was no use. He looked back to Gambran. "I can't shut it down, sir. It's so intense that it's knocked out our controls." He gave up trying to act brave. "We're doomed."  
  
Gambran's head shot towards him. "What?!"  
  
Rimmer didn't hesitate. He punched Gambran's face like he were trying to tenderize it, then side-kicked the first officer and ran out the door. Gambran rubbed his jaw and jumped to his feet.  
  
"Guards! After him!"  
  
The guards took off down the hall, and Gambran turned helplessly to the screen, watching the rift draw ever closer. "All of you, get to work on this problem. We've come this far, we are NOT going to be foiled by our own plan. And find Mr. Rimmer at all costs. I don't want him leaving this ship alive."  
  
The crew nodded and got to work-all except the ensign, that is, who stared at his controls in complete shock. The spit began to dribble from his mouth as his mind retreated to a happier place in order to cope with the stress. For the first time since he had been promoted to ensign, Kyle felt at peace with himself. He let the frantic background fade away...  
  
  
  
A guard led Lister, Kochanski, Cat, and Kryten to the prison block. "We'll throw you in with the other prisoner," he said gruffly. "It'll be a bit crowded, but don't worry. You won't be there for long."  
  
"And why not?" asked Kochanski.  
  
"Because the preliminary torture chambers are almost ready."  
  
"Preliminary?"  
  
"Oh yes. Those are just used to prepare you for the main torture, which you'll receive once we reach Timlar 4. Not only is it useful, but the show's a great morale booster for the crew. I myself have front row seats." He opened the door to the cell. "Don't disappoint us, ok?"  
  
A blur flashed out of the cell and knocked the guard against the wall. Lister rushed forward and punched the guard before he could retaliate while Kochanski kicked him where it counts. The guard fell to the ground, unconscious.  
  
"Yeeess," said Lister, and grabbed the guard's keys.   
  
"Here, let me get those for you," said the figure. Lister looked up and gave a surprised smile.  
  
"A.J.! What are you doin' here?"  
  
"Well I was coming to help you out, but it looks like we've helped each other."  
  
"Nice job with the guard, buddy," said Cat as A.J. undid his handcuffs. "I bet you had that all planned out."  
  
"Actually, I was going to knock him out with my food tray, but I stumbled as I walked to the door." He blushed. "Whatever works, I guess. Where's Ace?"  
  
"Right here." Rimmer appeared at the end of the corridor, not looking very well at all. They all rushed over to him as he hit the switch to lock the connecting door.  
  
"Sir, what's the matter?" asked Kryten. He tried to help him stand up straight, but his hand went right through him. "I'm still linked to the Enlightenment. Its power is dwindling, which means mine is too. Don't worry, I'll be fine in a moment, just have to wait for the power to increase again." A second later he stood straight again. "See? What did I tell you?"  
  
Kochanski looked in the direction that Rimmer had just come from, and frowned. "Where's Nirvana?"  
  
"They knocked her out and put her back on her ship. It's only got a few minutes left before it gets sucked into the rift."  
  
"Well no prob, Bob," said Lister. "Just shut down the device that's creating the rift."  
  
Rimmer doubled over again, but shook his head when they tried to help him. "We can't. The rift is sucking this ship in as well and the controls aren't functioning"  
  
"So what's the plan?" asked Cat. Everyone's heads turned down and they counted the rivets in the floor. Cat frowned. "Oh come on. **Someone** has to have a plan! Why can't we just shut down the sound wave?"  
  
"Because the controls on this ship aren't working, remember?" said Lister.  
  
Kochanski's face brightened. "Yes, but the controls onboard the Enlightenment should still be in perfect working order."  
  
They all looked at Kryten, waiting for him to explain what they should do. "The only viable option would be to set up a counter frequency to cancel out the original one. It would have to be at the exactly the same intensity as the other one in order to work."  
  
Kochanski snapped her fingers. "I bet Nirvana would know how to set that up."  
  
"And she's still unconscious," Rimmer reminded them. "I have to get over there."  
  
"But sir, we have other problems to worry about!"  
  
"What d'you mean, Kryten?" asked Lister.  
  
"The Timlars still have the Wildfire drive. If they successfully remove it and hook it up to their own ship, they'll be able to terrorize any dimension they choose. We have to retrieve the drive and somehow send them back to where they came from."  
  
"And there's still the rift to think about," said Rimmer. "What are we going to do? I can't be in both places at once!" Everyone tried to think of something, and Rimmer caught sight of A.J. His face lit up.  
  
"Or can I?" He grabbed A.J.'s arm and led him off around the corridor, leaving the others to wonder what the smeg he was up to.  



	21. Chapter Twenty-one

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Twenty-one   
  
Rimmer led A.J. into an empty room. "Diane," he said to his collar, "we still have the regular flight-suit, right?"  
  
"Yes, Ace."  
  
"Transfer it up here."  
  
"But Ace--"  
  
"Just do it."  
  
A moment later, the jumpsuit appeared in the corner. "All right, we don't have much time," he said to A.J. "Give me your clothes."  
  
"What?! Why?"  
  
"The Timlars are going to be monitoring me, and the only way I'll get off this ship is if I'm *not* me, get it?"  
  
A.J. thought for a second. "No."  
  
"I want you to pose as me so I can get off this ship and rescue Nirvana."  
  
"You WHAT?"  
  
"A.J., it's the only way! If I try to sneak off to the other ship, I'll have to focus on avoiding the Timlars rather than rescuing Nirvana. If they still think I'm on THIS ship, however, I'll be able to get away. They'll think I'm you and they won't bother sending someone."  
  
"But Ace, I can't possibly pretend to be you!"  
  
"You CAN." He tore off the wig and handed it to him, feeling the incredible deja vu of the moment. "A.J., I'm not really Ace. The actual Ace died some time ago. Since then, Rimmers from different dimension have taken his place. I was just the next person in line, just as you are."  
  
A.J. still looked unconvinced. "But I don't know the first thing about being a hero. What do I do? Where do I start?"  
  
"Don't worry, it'll all come to you eventually."  
  
"If you say so."  
  
"Think about it. The Timlars destroyed your house. They destroyed your work. They destroyed your sanctuary! Are you just going to sit there and let them get away with it?"  
  
"No!" He twiddled his thumbs. "I just thought that _you_ were going to take care of it."  
  
"I don't have to. You are perfectly capable of taking care of them yourself. You just have to believe that it's possible."  
  
"But--"  
  
"You never became an officer, and although you did find success, you still feel like you let father down. Isn't that right?"  
  
A.J. didn't answer. Rimmer continued.  
  
"So, here's your chance to lay those demons to rest! The potential is inside you, I can see it. Do this for father, but most importantly, do this for yourself." He looked straight at him. "This is your destiny, A.J. I was just as skeptical as you are when I first heard about it, but somehow I managed to pull myself together and do rather well. Believe me, if a pathetic, scum-sucking lowlife like me can do it, you most certainly can."  
  
For a moment, Rimmer thought A.J. was going to say no, but instead A.J. unfolded his arms and offered Rimmer his jacket. They put on their new clothes, and A.J. donned the wig. Both of them shuffled uncomfortably in their new garb.  
  
"Now, go back to the others and explain what's going on. You have to get the Wildfire drive away from the Timlars. Oh, that reminds me." He pulled on the flight-suit's collar. "Diane, please tell me you're still there."  
  
"Of course I am," she whispered, "and I heard the whole plan. Brilliant as always, Ace."  
  
"Where are you?"  
  
"I'm in the main docking bay on level four. We've got a small problem, Ace. Like I was going to tell you before, the teleporter is still working, but only with a very short range. I also believe there's only enough power left for one transfer, maybe two. Some Timlars have been messing with the controls. I tried to fight them off, but they disconnected me from most of my main functions so they could strip the Wildfire drive from the ship."  
  
"And have they?"  
  
"Are you kidding me? All they've managed to do is screw up some wires. They don't even know what they're looking for. It's safe for the moment. What do you want me to do?"  
  
"Can you teleport me to the bridge of the Enlightenment?"  
  
"No, it's beyond the range. I can get you to Starbug, however. It's not being guarded at the moment. All the Timlars are either working on the rift problem or concentrating on finding you."  
  
"Good enough. Transmit."  
  
"Ace?" A.J.'s face showed how nervous he was feeling. Rimmer smiled.  
  
"**You're** Ace now. You'll do fine, trust me. If you need any help, Diane will be standing by." He stepped back. "Get the Wildfire drive. I'll contact you as soon as I can." He flashed out of sight. A.J. sighed and nervously walked back to the others to fill them in.  
  
  
  
Rimmer found himself in front of Starbug. He looked around, but no one was there. Diane was right: it wasn't being guarded. He hit the button that opened up the docking bay shuttle doors, then ran up the stairs and into Starbug's cockpit.  
  
He sat down and punched in the necessary calculations. "Here we go," he said to himself, and punched the start-up button. Or at least he tried to. His finger slid right through it. He tried again, and it went through again.  
  
"Auto-pilot!" he called, and switched on his old uniform since A.J.'s clothes had fallen through his image.  
  
"Auto-pilot engaged," said Holly's recorded voice.  
  
"Begin lift-off procedure."  
  
"Lift-off cannot proceed until Starbug has been activated."  
  
"Well, activate it then!"  
  
"Activation can only be done manually."  
  
Rimmer pounded the console, his fist slipping right through it. "That's just great. How am I supposed to hit it when I can't touch it?" He thought of Nirvana lying completely helpless on the bridge, unaware of the danger she was in. _Of all the times to return to soft-light_, he thought bitterly, _it had to be this moment_. "What the smeg am I supposed to do now?"  
  
He heard a dull clink!, and looked down. His light bee had hit the edge of the console. He suddenly remembered when Ace had reminded him that he _could_ touch things as a soft-light hologram if he used his light bee. Now his point had just been proven. He moved over to the start up button, lined up his image with the button, and kneeled. His light bee hit its target and he heard the welcome sound of Starbug's engines firing up. He breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"NOW begin the lift-off procedure."  
  
  
  
Lister looked around the corner to make sure it was all clear, then motioned for the others to follow him. They had managed to avoid guards so far, and with any luck, they would continue to avoid them.  
  
Cat walked up to A.J., more confused than ever. "So now you're not goalpost-head either?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Will you guys please make up your minds? I can't take much more of this."  
  
"Shh," said Lister. "We don't want to attract any--" Two guards came out of a room ahead of them. They caught sight of them and started running towards them, firing shots in between shouts. Lister turned around to tell the others to leg it, but they were already well ahead of him. He took off and tried to catch up with them.  
  
They ducked into a room in the next corridor, watching as the guards ran past and out of sight. Kochanski sighed. "This is ridiculous. We're never going to get to the docking bay unless we get those guards off our backs. We need a distraction. Any volunteers?" She looked around but saw no hands in the air. "Cat, what about you?"  
  
"No way, officer BB. I'm not wasting energy on these guys, especially when their uniforms clash with my shoes."  
  
"Come on. Someone has to volunteer!"  
  
A.J. looked up. "I'll do it."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes. They're looking for me--him--anyway. I'll keep them busy while you get the drive." He ran out the door before anyone could protest. Soon they saw a bunch of guards rush by, shouting and shooting as before. Lister decided the coast was clear and they all filed out of the room.  
  
They reached the docking bay and waited for the doors to open. Lister turned to Kochanski.  
  
"Just watch. The doors will open, and some guards will be standing there waiting for us."  
  
"Lister, don't be so negative. It'll be fine."  
  
The doors opened to reveal...nothing. No guards could be seen anywhere.  
  
"See? Told you so." She ran ahead and led the group up to the Wildfire. Various parts were scattered all over the floor, while damaged wires sparked as they went by. Lister climbed the stairs up to the cockpit.  
  
Diane's image reappeared on the monitor. "Oh thank God you're here--" She saw Lister. "Hey, you're not Ace."  
  
"No I'm not, but I'm pretty fantastic myself. Name's Dave Lister. And you are?"  
  
"Diane, ship's computer. So you're Lister, eh? Well it's nice to finally meet you at last."  
  
"Umm, likewise, I think." He looked the ship up and down. "Is the drive still intact?"  
  
"Intact, yes. In working order, no. The Timlars only managed to screw up the controls a bit instead of removing it."  
  
"Can we fix it?"  
  
"Yes, I'll talk you through it."  
  
Lister jumped down and walked over to Kryten, who was standing in front of the drive. "Ok, go ahead."  
  
All of a sudden a laser blast hit the floor right behind them. "Hands in the air and turn around slowly."  
  
Lister and Kryten did as they were told. Lister couldn't help but shake his head in frustration.  
  
"Oh smeg, not YOU again."  
  
Jason smiled back from behind the gun. "Yes me again. You didn't really think we'd leave the Wildfire completely unprotected, did you?"  
  
Lister shrugged. "No, but it would've been nice."  
  
"Step away from the ship." When they didn't move right away, he fired another shot at their feet. They jumped and joined Cat and Kochanski in the corner.  
  
"That's better. Now I can finish what I started before-after you tell me how the drive works, of course."  
  
"But we can't, sir," said Kryten. "We don't know how it works."  
  
"Please, there's no need to carry on like this. I don't have all day. Just tell me how it works so I can kill you and go back to my ship."  
  
"But we really don't know," said Lister. "We have no idea how it smeggin' works."  
  
Jason sighed. "No matter. We'll have Ace soon, and he can tell us then. I suppose I'll just kill you now."  
  
"No!" Kochanski stepped forward. "We'll tell you what you want to know."  
  
Cat, Lister, and Kryten snapped their heads towards hers. "What?!"  
  
"Good," said Jason. "Cooperation at last. How nice."  
  
"But first you have to do something for us."  
  
He laughed. "A last request, how quaint. All right, tell me what you want. How we created the rift, I suppose."  
  
"Well yes, actually."  
  
"Just like in all those movies. Only this time, there's no one around to save you. I guess it won't do any harm." He cleared his throat. "It was a joint venture, actually. I stumbled across some Timlar scouts onboard the Enlightenment. They wanted to find Ace Rimmer, and I wanted him off the ship. So we made a deal. I would help them create a disruption and capture Ace if they would help me get a promotion."  
  
"So what did you do?"  
  
"I told them the frequency that scrambles the generator on our ship and helped them calibrate their weapons so it could be powerful enough. The ship would be put in danger, setting things up so that I could save it at the last minute."  
  
"And have they followed through on their part of the deal?"  
  
He paused for a moment. "Well no, not yet, I just assumed they'd wait until I killed you."  
  
Now Lister walked forward. "You've been set up, man. They can't shut the frequency off and now both this ship and yours are being pulled into the rift."  
  
Jason stood his ground. "You're lying."  
  
"No I'm not."  
  
"This is a trick," he aimed the gun, "and I'm not falling for it."  
  
"You won't get away with this."  
  
"Oh yeah? And who's going to stop me?"  
  
Laser fire came from behind him, and Jason's image shut down. The light bee--or what was left of it--dropped to the floor. A.J. stood in the doorway and slowly lowered the gun.  
  
"Well at least my aim's improving."  
  
The others cheered as he ran up to them. A.J. smiled. He was beginning to like this.  
  
"Come on, let's fix the drive."  
  
Diane grinned, saying "You've got it--Ace." A few minutes later, the drive was in perfect working order. They sealed it back in place and stood back.  
  
"There," said Kochanski. "Now we just have to wait for word from Nirvana and Rimmer and we can get going with part B of the plan."  
  
"Um, I don't think so, Kris."  
  
She turned to Lister. "What's wrong?" she asked, and followed his gaze. Twenty-some guards filled the entrance way, with Gambran standing at the front.  
  
"I think you'll be coming with us now," he said.  
  
Cat shook his head. "Man, we have to start looking behind us."  
  



	22. Chapter Twenty-two

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Twenty-two   
  
A slit of light cut its way through the darkness. It slowly telescoped into the main screen onboard the bridge, the abandon ship command still flashing. Nirvana rubbed her eyes and looked around. Everyone was gone.  
  
"Well at least abandoning ship wasn't too menial for them," she muttered, and stood up. "Cancel the alarm, Stocky. Give us visual."  
  
The alarm screen melted away and was replaced by a field of murky green. Nirvana recognized it immediately. She ran over to the main consol and tried to get her fingers to work as quickly as her mind was.  
  
"All engines reverse!" she cried as she continued to work out the calculations. The thrust indicator light came on, but the read-outs claimed that the ship was still moving forward. Nirvana hit the consol.  
  
"Didn't you hear me, Stocky? I said all engines reverse thrust!!"  
  
"Reverse thrust is engaged," it replied, sounding rather bored.  
  
She looked back at the screen, then the read-out. She tried not to panic. "How long do we have until the ship is pulled into the rift?"  
  
"Three minutes, 47 seconds."  
  
She put her hand to her forehead and was sure she felt her heart pounding inside her head. The ship shifted violently, and she was thrown out of her chair and against the wall below the screen. The two-dimensional green mist swirled overhead, drawing any ideas of how to save the ship out of her head and into its endless reaches.  
  
Another quake propelled her against the captain's desk, and a purple bruise began to eat up her forehead. "Oh, enough!" she sighed, and picked herself up off the floor again. She noticed someone moving from the corner of her eye. Without thinking, she rushed into the figure and pinned him to the ground.  
  
"I've had just about enough stress for one day, thank you!" she screamed, and raised her hand to scratch out the stranger's eyes, and stopped. She felt herself beginning to get drawn into them.  
  
She knew those eyes.  
  
The entire face came into view and she abruptly let Rimmer go. Her head cocked as she asked, "Now which one are you?"  
  
He put his arm around her waist and pulled her forward. "I think you know the answer to that." He leaned forward, but another powerful jolt sent them sprawling across the bridge. They both hoisted themselves up and ran to the controls.  
  
"Nirvana, we don't have much time."  
  
"Don't you think I know that?!"  
  
"Kryten said we have to set up another frequency to cancel out the initial one. Do you have any idea how to do that?"  
  
She put a thoughtful finger to her mouth, then started entering information. "I think so. It'll take a minute or two. How much time exactly is left?"  
  
Rimmer looked at the panel. "One minute, 34 seconds." He ran to her side, but tried to keep out of her way as she worked. "What are you going to do?"  
  
"I'm going to adjust this tuning fork of a ship to another key." Her fingers danced across the controls, managing to land exactly where they were supposed to without missing a beat despite the abuse the ship was taking.  
  
"Check if anything's happening yet," she said, and he ran back to the panel.  
  
"No, not yet. You'd better try something-"  
  
The lights went out as main power finally failed. The emergency lights blinked on a second later, filling the room with an eerie purple glow. Nirvana continued to furiously punch in the calculations.  
  
The ship began to rumble. "Approaching the outer limits of the rift," Rimmer reported. "Um, I don't mean to rush you, but--"  
  
"There!" She pushed the final button with flair and joined Rimmer at the panel. "That ought to do it. How much time do we have left now?"  
  
"Twenty-eight seconds."  
  
"I hope it's enough." They looked at each other and pulled into an embrace as the rumbling increased with each second. They tried to ignore the noise of bending metal and grinding gears, while some small monitors exploded behind them.  
  
Suddenly a high-pitched whine flooded their ears, forcing them to their knees they tried to use their hands as earplugs. They looked at the main screen and waited for the end to arrive.  
  
Then, just as the last second ticked by and all remaining hope was lost, everything became quiet. It was as if time itself had decided to quit moving. The Universe waited impatiently for Time to make up its mind, and with a shrug, Time decided it had nothing better do, and started moving again.  
  
The ship literally screeched to a stop. Rimmer, Nirvana, and everything else that was free standing flew forward as noise that sounded something like water through a drain made its way through the ship. They peeled themselves off the screen, then watched as the green swirl reversed directions and disappeared. The entire ship sighed with relief.  
  
Nirvana ran up to Rimmer and buried herself in his arms. The main power switched back on and soon the ship was completely back on-line and stable.  
  
"Hard-light drive activated," Stocky said with a yawn.  
  
"Alert all the escape pods that it's safe to return," Nirvana ordered. They turned to leave but Stocky told them to wait.  
  
"Incoming message, commander. Audio only."  
  
"Play it, Stocky."  
  
"Ace, I hope you receive this." It was Diane's very worried voice. "Your friends have been captured again." She paused. "I heard Gambran mention something about an airlock. It doesn't look good, Ace. Not good at all."  
  
"I wonder if this is a trick," Rimmer said aloud.  
  
"You'll probably be thinking this is a trick, and I promise you, it's not," she answered him. "Just get over here soon! I don't know how much time they have. Hurry, you might still be able to save them."  
  
Nirvana turned to get going, but Rimmer pulled her back. "What are we waiting for?" she asked.  
  
"We need a plan. Things are worse than I thought."  
  
"What do you mean? The message said you had to get over there right away!"  
  
"I know it did, but that wasn't Diane."  
  
"Who's Diane?"  
  
"The computer on my ship."  
  
"How do you know it wasn't her?"  
  
"Firstly, Diane didn't use our secret code word-Plexiglas--to assure me that it wasn't a trick. Secondly, that voice was far too calm to be my Diane. In a situation like this, she would have been screaming her virtual lungs out. Thirdly," he paused and played the last part of the message over again, "she used three overly-dramatic and unnecessary lines at the end."  
  
Nirvana understood. "So the Timlars sent it?"  
  
"Most likely, which means they know that I was the one that left the ship. So much for having the upper hand." He looked at the screen again. "I do believe that the others have been recaptured, but I also think it's obvious that the Timlars will be waiting for us."  
  
"So what are we going to do?"  
  
He thought for a moment, then ran to the main console. He punched in the handshake, and soon Holly's face appeared on the main screen.  
  
"Oy! It's about time one of you lets me know what's goin' on. I hate it when you go off and leave me in the dark like this."  
  
"Holly, shut up and let me explain. We need a distraction for the Timlars. A big one. Think you can handle it?"  
  
Holly nodded. "Don't worry, I'll come up with somethin'." He blinked off the screen.  
  
"Come on, back to Starbug," said Rimmer as he turned around again, then noticed her shy smile. "Nirvana?"  
  
She walked over and frizzed his hair through her fingers. "You know, I like it much better this way," she grinned, and walked out of the room. Rimmer smiled and dashed off to rejoin her.  



	23. Chapter Twenty-three

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Twenty-three   
  
Gambran walked in front of the screen for the tenth time in as many minutes, and was discouraged once again. "You're sure the message got through?"  
  
"Yes sir," the communications officer replied. "All signs indicate it's been sent and received."  
  
"Then where is he?" he demanded.  
  
"I don't know sir, just like I didn't know when you asked me a minute ago."  
  
Gambran stroked his goatee. "He MUST be on his way. That message was perfect!  
  
"Yeah, perfectly awful," said Lister behind him. Gambran lifted a finger, and a guard hit Lister's jaw with the butt of his gun.  
  
"Keep it up, my boy, and we'll give you the slow torture instead of the quick. This crew was already cheated out of a show, and I'm sure they'd like an extra long event to make up for it." Lister rolled his eyes, but kept his mouth shut.  
  
The first officer pointed at the screen. "Sir! We're getting something!"  
  
Gambran jumped into his seat and stared anxiously at the screen. "Finally! Don't fire on his ship. Let him dock, THEN capture him. I don't want him to suspect anything." His smile faded and his face twisted into a question mark when he realized that it wasn't a ship he was staring at.  
  
It was the letter `T'.  
  
"That's not right, is it?" asked the first officer.  
  
"Of course not, you idiot. What the hell is that thing? Ensign?"  
  
The ensign didn't respond. He was too busy thinking about daisies. Everyone else waited for something to happen, but nothing did.  
  
"Maybe it's a message of some sort," Gambran suggested. They all waited for more letters to appear, but the 'T' continued to stand alone. Everyone's eyes became transfixed in its form.  
  
Lister nodded to Kryten, and they led the others out of the room as the Timlars continued to stare at the screen. They tip-toed down the hall just to be safe, then took off running.  
  
"T", Lister mused. "I wonder why it's just 'T'?"  
  
"Are you kiddin'? 'T' says it all," Cat answered. Lister nodded and they made their way back to docking bay four. They ran into the room and skidded to a stop as they caught sight of what lie inside. The Wildfire was still there, but now giant black cables ran from the ship to a rather large machine next to it. They approached the ship with caution, waiting for some sort of weapon to fire on them, but nothing ever came. Lister climbed up to the cockpit again.  
  
"Diane, what's goin' on? What's with the cables?"  
  
"Well they couldn't figure out how to disconnect the drive from the ship, but they did figure out how to connect their own machine to the drive," said Diane.  
  
"What are you sayin'?"  
  
"This ship is now capable of breaking the speed of reality on its own. Or at least it will be once it's hooked up properly."  
  
"Smeggin' hell," he said as he slid down the stairway. "Can't we ever get a break?"  
  
"No, Ace--what are you doing?" Diane cried. Lister ran up the stairs again.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"It's Ace--well, the one you know, I mean. He's not coming this way, he's heading for the bridge. He must think you're up there!"  
  
"Is there any way of sending a message to him?"  
  
"No. A.J. has the communicator now."  
  
"Smeg!" Lister jumped down this time and rushed over to the others. They took one look at him and knew what was going on.  
  
"More running?" asked Cat.  
  
Lister nodded. "More running."  
  
They turned around and ran out the door for what seemed like the zillionth time that day.  
  
  
  
Rimmer checked the last airlock on the way to the bridge, and nodded to Nirvana that it was clear. "See? Told you it was a fake message."  
  
"So where are they?"  
  
"I don't know, but my best guess is on the bridge. Gambran probably wants them there to watch him blow us up." They reached the bridge and Rimmer put his ear to the door. Not a sound could be heard. Rimmer wondered if that was because the room was empty or if the door was simply too thick to hear anything through. He decided to take his chances and go with the first alternative. He nodded and Nirvana hit the switch. Once it was open, they ran inside.  
  
They stopped just in time to avoid running into the back of a Timlar guard, and turned around to run out again. That's when their minds let them know that something funny was going on, and they looked at the Timlars again. They were all staring at the monitor, completely unaware of anything or anyone else in the room. Rimmer looked at Nirvana for an explanation but she just shrugged back. Curious, they weaved between the officers and looked at the screen for themselves.  
  
The 'T' still shone brightly onscreen, and the pair exchanged confused looks again. They also realized that Lister and the others weren't there. Just as they turned to walk out again, however, the 'T' disappeared. The Timlars snapped out of their trance and turned their gazes to the two strangers in the middle of the room.  
  
"Hmm. Should've seen that one coming," said Rimmer sheepishly, and he and Nirvana raised their hands.  
  
  
  
Lister heard voices from around the corner and motioned for everyone to get down. He peeked his head around, then shot it back when he saw that the door to the bridge was open. He opted to listen in instead.  
  
"Well I suppose we should thank you for stopping the rift," said Gambran. "I really don't know why you thought you could get away from us that easily, Mr. Rimmer. Our scanners can tell the difference between a hologram and a living human, you know."  
  
"Well hooray for you. I bet you can juggle as well."  
  
Gambran raised his hand to slap him, then decided it wasn't worth the effort. Besides, he didn't want to take the chance of embarrassing himself like he had before. Instead he just sneered. "Face it. I've won. You're friends have been captured, your ship's drive has been captured, and now you have been captured." He turned around to gloat to the other prisoners, then noticed that the prisoners weren't there any more. He motioned for the guards to find them, and they all ran out of the room.  
  
"No matter," said Gambran as he turned around. "They'll be captured again in no time."  
  
"Don't bet on it." Gambran felt metal boring into his back.  
  
"Hands up." Gambran did as he was told, unable to see who was telling him to raise them.  
  
The remaining bridge crew got up to defend their beloved leader but stopped cold when Lister raised what looked like a grenade in the air. "Nobody moves or you all die," he said, trying to sound convincing. The crew backed off and Kryten pushed them through the door and down the hall, where he locked them in an empty room. He came back and locked the bridge door behind him.  
  
Lister glared at him to say his line. "Oh, erm, bridge secure, sir," he said at last. Lister nodded and turned his attention back to Gambran.  
  
"Now. We're getting off this ship and we're taking the Wildfire drive with us. Do you have a problem with that?"  
  
"N-no, sir."  
  
"Good." He shoved Gambran forward, but Lister tripped on the corner of the console. The mirror he was holding in his jacket as a fake gun fell to the ground.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOO!" cried Cat, and dove for it. Lister was pushed over a chair as Cat rushed by and Gambran took advantage of the confusion. He jumped forward and pushed a white button.  
  
Cat grabbed the mirror right before it shattered, and held onto it like it was dear life itself. "I almost lost you!" he said softly, but no one else was paying attention. They wanted to know why Gambran was wearing a wicked grin again.  
  
"I've just activated the Wildfire drive," he laughed. "Oh and did I mention that those dimwits didn't hook it up properly? We'll just keep accelerating until we explode." He grinned. "Get ready to jump!  
  
Rimmer nodded. "Ok." He jumped and tackled Gambran and the fists started flying. Behind them, a small group of guards managed to get inside, and soon everyone was fighting.  
  
The pressure began to build. Rimmer tried to reach up and press the button, but both gravity and Gambran's fists kept him just out of reach. Gambran stood up and got into a ready fighting position.  
  
"Let's finish this," he said. Rimmer rolled his eyes.  
  
"Honestly. Not only do you use a line like that, but you're about to attack with the half-wingnut again!"  
  
For a moment, Gambran paused. "So?"  
  
Rimmer brought his legs up and kicked Gambran across the floor. He jumped up and punched the white button. Nothing happened.  
  
"Rimmer, press the smeggin' button!" Lister yelled, ducking to avoid another punch from the guard.  
  
"I did! Nothing happened!" he cried back. Gambran came into view again.  
  
"You fools! Do you honestly think I'd make that a two-way button? You'll never find the right button in time!" He began to laugh hysterically, but suddenly he dropped like a deadweight. Kochanski stood behind him, holding a dented panel. She hit him again just to make sure she was out, then started searching around for the proper button.  
  
The guard charged Lister again, but Lister tripped him and tried to pry the gun out of the guard's hands. Cat flipped another guard on the floor and he hit the guard Lister was fighting. The gun went off and the shot richoched all over the room. It finally came to rest in the middle of the main computer panel, and every console began to fizzle and explode.  
  
Sparks flew in the air but were quickly brought down again due to the increasing pressure. Fighting in such conditions was proving to be too difficult and soon everyone simply gave up. The weird streaks of light were flying by the ship now.  
  
"We're going to jump at any moment!" cried Kryten. "We have to find that damn button!"  
  
"I can't find it anywhere!" said Kochanski. "Where could it possibly be?"  
  
All of a sudden, Rimmer spotted something on the panel right in front of him. He shook his head in disgust and joy. "I don't believe it," he said to himself. "They've even got a big red button." He reached his hand up to press it, but didn't get a chance to.   
  
The bolt of energy ripped through his system and joined with the fizzling computer console, simulating a meltdown inside his image.  
  
Gambran laughed from behind his gun. "Victory is mine," he hissed. A.J. crawled over and forced his fist into the air, letting it fly into Gambran's stomach.   
  
"You want overused lines? Ok then. That was for my father," he punched him again, "that was for my work," and again, "that was for Ace, and this is for me." He head-butted Gambran with all his might, then collapsed on the floor, unable to take the pressure.  
  
Everyone was on the ground now. They stared helplessly at the button, as well as the electric storm that now surrounded Rimmer, unable to reach either one. All they could do was wait for the end to come, and hope it would be quick. They looked at each other and let their eyes say their farewells.  
  
Suddenly Lister noticed Kochanski's eyebrows raise ever so slightly. He redirected his gaze back to the button, and smiled in his mind. From out of the electricity, a hand forced its way upward. It struggled to overcome the pressure, but there was no doubt in Lister's mind that it would. Shaking but determined fingers groped for the button and found it. The hand formed a fist and slammed down on top of it with all its remaining strength.  
  
The incredible break in pressure knocked everyone out cold, while the jolt knocked the main power out. The Usurper fought to stabilize all of its systems, but only managed life support. All other controls were fried. Only Diane lay awake and functional in the silence, worrying and waiting for some explanation of what just happened.  



	24. Chapter Twenty-four and Epilogue

Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I still don't own _Red Dwarf_ or any of its characters.

Chapter Twenty-four   
  
Lister's subconscious was trying to convince him that it had all been a very bad dream. There were no such things as Timlars, he wasn't on their ship, his arm had always remained intact, he had never met a Kochanski from another dimension, and most importantly, Rimmer had never gone off to become Ace. For a moment his mind relished this idea. It put him at peace with himself and the world.  
  
Then reality checked in.  
  
He remembered all the times he had tried to convince himself that the drive plate accident was just a dream, yet every day he had woke up to the same empty Red Dwarf, still forced to fulfill his role as the last human alive. The same voice that had brought him back then was bringing him back now. He didn't have to like reality, but he did have to face it.   
  
He opened his eyes.  
  
Everyone else was awake and blocking his view of the button. He pulled himself off the ground and went over to them. Their solemn eyes met his and they let him inside the circle.  
  
Nirvana cradled Rimmer's head in her arms, slowly rocking him back and forth. Lister couldn't believe it. He was still alive. Small streaks of electricity flared up on his image every now and then, but he was still alive. Barely. Nirvana looked up at Lister.  
  
"His light bee can't switch off the hard-light, so we can't get to it," she explained absently. "We have to get him back to the Enlightenment. It's the only way to save his life."  
  
"Well what are we waitin' for? Let's go!"  
  
"I'm afraid we can't, sir," said Kryten.  
  
"Why the hell not?"  
  
"The power is completely down, save for life support. The doors have all been fused shut," he paused then added, "and they are much too thick to break down, so don't get any ideas involving my head."  
  
"No, there has to be a way!" Lister waved his arms frantically. Kochanski tried to calm him down, but he just broke away. "There is no way he is goin' out like this. Not after all the smeg we've been through. We are finding a way to get him there, and we are finding it NOW."  
  
A.J. snapped his fingers and pulled his collar. "Diane, can you hear me?"  
  
"Yes! Oh thank God you're all right! What happened, what's going on--"  
  
"No time to explain. Have you got the teleporter working?"  
  
"I'm sorry, it's still only short range. Why?"   
  
"It's Ace." His voice broke. "I'm afraid it's pretty bad. We need to get him to the Enlightenment as soon as possible." In an instant they found themselves onboard Starbug. Diane's voice remained incredibly calm. "That's it for the teleporter. The rest you'll have to do on your own." She paused. "Good luck," she said quietly, then signed off.  
  
Lister was already in the cockpit and arming the lasers. By the time the rest of them shuffled in he had blown the shuttle doors open. By the time they were ready to take off, Starbug was already in the air. They flashed out of the docking bay and zoomed after the Enlightenment. Behind them, the Wildfire blasted through as well and followed them at a close distance.  
  
The landing procedure seemed to take forever and a day. Everyone's fingernails got decidedly shorter as the seconds ticked by. Kochanski looked back at Nirvana, who still rocked Rimmer in the next room. Nirvana looked up at her, and Kochanski could tell by the expression on her face that he was getting worse.  
  
Finally the ship touched down, and everyone was out the door before the steam had begun to clear. Lister plowed people out of the way as they ran down the corridor. He didn't want to waste a single second waiting for someone to move, especially among this crew.  
  
"Lister, will you calm down?" Kochanski said from behind him, but Lister kept running and clearing the way. She was amazed to see how concerned he was for a man he supposedly detested with every ounce of his being. A smile replaced the urgent gape her mouth had formed as she increased her speed to keep up with the others. They reached the room a few moments later and set Rimmer down on the table.   
  
Nirvana grabbed the two assistants nearby and explained the situation to them. They frowned. "Commander, he is not a member of our crew."  
  
"What difference does that make?! He needs help!"  
  
"Paragraph Eight, section G of our mission statement clearly states that we are not allowed to repair any hologram who is not of our ship's complement." They heard a kch-kch!, and looked to see Lister pointing a bazookoid at them.  
  
"I'll tell you where to stick your paragraphs," he said between gritted teeth. "Now fix him."  
  
They sighed. "All right, but this is going on your permanent record, Ms. Crane."  
  
Nirvana turned to the others. "I'll have to ask you all to leave. We'll need as much space as we can get."  
  
"No way, I'm stayin'", said Lister.  
  
Kochanski put her hand on Lister's shoulder. "Dave, please. You're not helping him by getting in the way. Let them work. They know what they're doing."  
  
He hesitated a moment longer, then slumped out the door. It shut tightly behind them, and they got comfortable in case it would be a long wait.  
  
Cat walked over to Lister and put a consoling hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, bud. I'm sure he'll be okay."  
  
"Yeah? What if he won't?"  
  
"Well, you can use that projection gizmo as a paper weight!"  
  
Lister glared at him. "Cat, don't ever go into counseling, ok?"  
  
Suddenly they became aware that they were being frowned upon. They turned and noticed a man standing not four feet from them, a look of bored disgust on his face. For some reason, it seemed familiar.  
  
"Don't I know you?" asked Lister.  
  
"Oh good, you still know how to speak," the man said. "I was beginning to wonder if you had de-evolved."  
  
Recognition spread over Lister's face. "Oh yeah, I remember you. Commander Bunks or somethin', right?"  
  
"That's Binks." He shuddered as he looked them over. "What *are* you doing here?"  
  
"Wouldn't you like to know."  
  
"Never mind. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to scrub your tainted air space off me before it settles in." He walked off.  
  
"Hey, that offer to put you on the receiving end of a holowhip still stands," Lister called after him. Binks quickened his pace.  
  
Nirvana ran out of the room. "Lister, you'd better come quick."  
  
They all ran back inside and braced themselves for the worst. It came in an amazingly small package. On the table before them lay a charred light bee, completely still and devoid of activity. The light from the examination lamp picked up the jarred edges of the once smooth casing, while a full shadow spread out over the entire table.  
  
They all looked at each other instead of slowing things down with words. A silent vote was held and was decided unanimously: it just wasn't fair.  
  
Lister turned to Kryten. "Know what the worst thing is, Kryten? I still feel guilty about getting rid of his things."  
  
"What do you mean you got rid of my things?!"  
  
Lister grinned and turned around. Rimmer stood behind him, sporting his usual look of annoyance. "All of my things? Everything? Lister, how could you do something like--"  
  
Lister ran up and met him with a fierce hug, cutting him off. Rimmer was stunned beyond words. He was even more surprised when his own arms answered the hug themselves.  
  
"Then who's that?" asked Cat, pointing to the black light bee.  
  
"Oh that?" one of the assistants said. "That's just one of the prototypes we made when we first started trying to control hard-light. It got a bit fried. Now we just use it as a paper weight."  
  
Cat smiled smugly and turned to Lister. "See? Somebody's got his head on straight."  


Epilogue   
  
Diane entered the final calculations. "There. We're all set to go, Ace."   
  
"Thanks Diane, I'll be right up." He switched the communicator off and turned around. "Now you're sure about this?"  
  
"Absolutely," said Rimmer, shaking his hand. "It's your turn, A.J. Good luck to you."  
  
A.J. smiled. "Thanks."  
  
Rimmer hoisted himself up the ladder and looked in the cockpit. "And as for you, take care of him, ok?"  
  
Diane smiled. "Will do, although he's going to have to work pretty damn hard to fill your shoes. You were one of the best Aces ever, you know."  
  
He did a double take. "Really?"  
  
"Really. Take care of yourself, Arn." He smiled and jumped down as Diane wiped a "tear" from her eye. "I'm going to miss that one," she said to herself. Then she remembered that she wouldn't really be "losing" him, just getting a new one. "Then again, I always like the newbies," she chuckled, and waited for AJ to come inside.  
  
AJ looked around and called, "Kochanski? Are you ready?"  
  
"Yes, I'll be right there. I just have to say good-bye." She looked at Lister. "I'm not going to make the same mistake twice."  
  
"Kris." He gave her a quick hug. "Take care, all right?"  
  
"I will. I suppose now I'll drive Dave nuts telling him all about *you*." He chuckled, and they gave each other fond looks. She gave him a quick peck on the cheek, flashed her famous pinball smile, and ran off to catch A.J. Lister sighed and walked over to the others.  
  
"Are you going to be ok, sir?" asked Kryten.  
  
"Yeah. She was never happy here. She's goin' back to where she belongs. It shouldn't be any other way."  
  
The Wildfire roared to life, and A.J. saluted them. "Don't worry, Lister. I'll see she gets there safe and sound. Fellas, smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast." The ship lifted off the ground and everyone waved good-bye. Within seconds it was out of sight.  
  
Rimmer turned to Nirvana. "I guess we'd better get going too. Are you sure you won't come with us?"  
  
"I can't," she said sadly. "My light bee works off the ship's generator. If I get out of range, my image will automatically shut down. But don't worry. I'm close to developing a device that will let me leave, and as soon as that happens..." She winked at him. He smiled back.  
  
"Oh! Before I forget!" She pulled a small object out of the bag she was carrying and handed it to him.  
  
"What's this?"  
  
"Something to remember me by."  
  
He tore the paper and it opened to reveal her music box. He lifted the lid and smiled as he recognized the melody. "_Someone to Watch Over Me_. This is my song!"  
  
She smiled. "It's mine too."  
  
They hugged until the sensation was planted in their memories, then broke away. He ran back to Starbug and joined the others in the cockpit.  
  
"All set, sir?"  
  
Rimmer nodded. "Let's go." Starbug lifted off and left the Enlightenment behind. Soon Holly appeared on the monitors.  
  
"You're back, eh?" he asked. "Did my distraction work?"  
  
"Holly, it worked like a charm," said Rimmer.  
  
"So what happened to those Timlar dudes?" asked Cat.  
  
"Their ship is completely dead, sir," Kryten answered him. "I don't think they'll be giving us trouble anytime soon."  
  
They all looked at each other, knowing their luck in the past. "Erm, let's just get back to the `Dwarf, ok?" Lister suggested. They all nodded.  
  
  
  
Four weary Dwarfers emerged from Starbug onto the landing gantry and made their way inside. A skutter stopped Kryten in his tracks and handed him a note.  
  
"What?" He read it and frowned. "Oh dear."  
  
"What is it, Kryts?" asked Lister.  
  
"I've got to go, sir. The washing machines have just entered the strike because I've left one of your socks sitting inside them all day. What is this world coming to?" He scurried off, leaving the rest of them shaking their heads.  
  
"Lister?" asked Rimmer.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"What's all this about you getting rid of my things?"  
  
"We had to, man. Starbug was carryin' too much weight. We could hardly steer her anymore."  
  
"So you got rid of MY things?"  
  
"Hey, it wasn't just *your* stuff. We all had to sacrifice things! I myself threw out all the remaining pot noodle supply!" They walked into their quarters and Cat sat down on Rimmer's bunk.  
  
"Oh, big smegging deal, you don't even like pot noodles! All my things. I can't believe you got rid of ALL my things."  
  
"Rimmer, it was only stuff on Starbug. Anything that was HERE is still there!"  
  
"All my shoe trees? My clipboards? My Reggie Wilson CDs?"  
  
"Yeah, those were the first to go," said Cat from behind them. "Now will you two please shut up? I'm tryin' to sleep!"  
  
"Lister, you are NOT smoking in here," said Rimmer as Lister got his lighter out.  
  
"Oh come on, just one?"  
  
"Why, so I can inhale one cig's worth of second hand smoke? I think not, m'laddo. Now about my Risk journal..."  
  
"Sirs!" Kryten marched in carrying a small bottle in his hand. "Who put this in the cupboard? How many times do I have to tell you? Salad cream goes in the fridge!!"  
  
"Kryten, nobody cares about salad cream!"  
  
"Hey hey hey!" Cat shouted above all of them. "I am here, and I am tryin' to sleep! I've missed out on all my naps and I need to make up some serious snooze time! Shut up!"  
  
Holly grinned as the arguments continued to roll. "Yup, things are back to normal." He decided that now wasn't the best time to let them know about the ion storm that was headed towards them, and blinked off the screen.  
  
The End


End file.
